Not Living Yet Living, PTSD

Time waits for no one.

It’s sobering.

How one human being could turn my life on it’s head and I wafer between strong and weak year after year after year. Not moving forward. Not falling backwards. Nothing ever easy but not always hard….just not easy.

I have purposely taken a break from this…this writing about life, this existence. My existence because I just became tired of hearing myself or my words as I typed them down. My inner voice out loud. So over me. I just wanted to live and not talk about it. Good or bad, just exist. So that’s what I’ve been doing but what does it even mean. I feel like I’m just letting time pass by and now, at my age, I feel it more and more with every sunrise and sunset. I feel myself losing chances to be more, to be brave, and to be everything I want to be but can’t. I don’t need a pep talk or atta girl. I don’t need anything but everything and that just doesn’t mesh. Always circles. Constant cycles. Pros and cons. Too much thought yet too much pain compartmentalized to not have to think just to be able to live. Wtf.

I need.

I want.

But I’m good…enough.

Contradictions. Constant contradictions. Surrounds by such bravery…nerve.

Fear

Wasting life yet living.

Afraid to want more. I’m such a coward but not. Contradictions. Constant contradictions.

Just it’s all so fulfilling, so exhausting, and so empty all the time. So afraid of living while living. Aways twists and turns. Always triggers.

PTSD.

Must be.

Why one person? How? One. Did so much damage without permission. There no love there anymore. Zero. The hasn’t been any in years. So how do the triggers still affect me. How does it still control me.

I’m too funny to be so afraid. The bottom always falls out. That’s why I’m standing still in. To afraid to move and fall off the edge.

PTSD, what a bitch you are.

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Disappearing & Reappearing

As I got out of my car tonight, I decided to take a quick pic of my daffodils before he rain returns tomorrow. It’s been raining so much lately and the temperature has been up and down so much I’m not sure I can identify any season. I feel it is mirroring my life. Always changing yet always staying the same. Finding predictability in so much uncertainty is at its best….blind, crazy, undeserved, optimism. How I hold on to any, I have no idea. Non. Zero. Zip. Some days I don’t. Some days overwhelm me. Self doubt blankets over me yet I keep karate chopping it off, hoping for more…dreaming dreams filled with passion.

Optimism

How does one person face so many challenges and still choose to see her glass 1/2 full even on days when it’s empty? I even kept my chin up refusing to fully let my skin absorb all the abusive and mean words thrown at me during my marriage. They hurt but I didn’t believe them…not really. It hurt worse that someone who was suppose to love me didn’t.

The daffodils caught my eye tonight and I felt like they represented me. They popped out of the ground during all this rain and continued to stand tall. They’ll probably find a way to survive if it briefly snows this week but if they don’t….they’ll come back and be stronger next time. Like me. Stronger every step of the way even when I have a day or week of doubt. I always return, glass 1/2 full.

Finding My Way

It’s been a life long struggle, trying to find my way. I have so much passion in so many areas. I have so much heart. I have talent in areas I often outwardly deny, but I do. The problem isn’t doing but how to do and how to find the confidence in myself to push forward without feeling selfish.

I’m going through something lately that I can’t quite explain because I don’t understand it myself. The day to day on this changes as I fight the beast of depression. Some days it wins and I feel time just slipping away. That feeling for sure is new. I miss the naiveté of the movement of time I had years before. I don’t know how or when it began to speed up but it was somewhere in between my multiple life changes; joys and tragedies. I see the footprints of it on my face where once a could see beauty, I now see age dominate. It’s quite humbling.

Seeing lines forming on my face I feel panic viewing the movement of the clock arms, how fast the sun rises and sets, and how it isn’t concerned with me. It just happens. My life, my desires, my loves and passions all should just happen too but they don’t. Is it because I feel tied….restrained due to the nasty words and emotions others have unfairly thrown at me? Is it because I accepted them/believe them?

Mental health isn’t a privilege that only the wealthiest can afford. Mental health is an equalization of sound and touch. It’s a temperature to maintain in the harshest conditions. It’s fragility and strength intertwine making it a type of enigma. One that is incredible difficult to hold but one we all fight for…that is if we are aware the scales inside us are unbalanced. Then there are times when the darkness inside grows and blocks the light. The light that is needed to fight.

Finding my way is a daily battle controlling darkness and grasping to my light. Knowing in the brightest part of me I have so much to give. I’ve always felt it and I think every one of us has that same pull to our reason for being. Our purpose whether big or small.

If only mental health was respected as much as physical diseases. If it was protected. If only our secrets didn’t require being hidden. Our pain judged and forced to be boxed away to survive. Maybe the world around us wouldn’t be crumbling all the time. Maybe these enormous hearts, like mine, so full of pain could heal and then put that big love out in the world through life long passions weighted under so much sadness.

We could all be finding our way to a better day. We could be showing love and appreciating each other. You judges of everyone around you, your judgements are transparent. I can still see your pain. Let’s stop hiding together and start healing so we can all find our ways.

❤️IOM

Not a Puppy Anymore

Announcement – my dog is shitting the floor! Like all the time. More than a prune filled blowout. More than someone who’s partaken in massive amounts of Romaine. It is solid but this dog shits 15 times a day in a circle. I understand she is about a million years old in dog years and past the estimated life span for a dog her size BUT her anus is loose and turds are hitting the floor like bombs. She’s also increased her farting noise and odor. The noise scares her awake and then she shits. She’s developed a bark poop. Noise comes out one end and brown out the other. Everyone keeps telling me to diaper her and all I can think is, why are you so clueless. Y’all, you know she’d eat those diapers and then I’d be cleaning up gel goo all around the poo piles and I just can’t. I love her but, shit…pun intended! Maybe she’s trying to send me a messages or writ in cursive with these shit circles. I bet she’s trying to say she love me in shit smear. I do not know. What I do know is that I mop these floors and clean the mop head like I have OCD. This is how you treat the elderly. You keep loving them even when they’re so old that their sphincters have lost elasticity and the shit gets real. The shit is so real around here.

And that’s all I have to report. Ha!

Judging

I want to live in peace. I want to have fun and live life without the judging eyes of others. Others that don’t know your life. Others that believe lies or decide to see things only through narrow opinionated eyes. I rely on karma a lot but sometimes I wonder if I’ll live to see the day. What I do know is some people have no idea how they’re viewed. Some people really believe their lies and find pleasure in trying to ruin other people’s lives. They find joy in manipulating and verbally abusing children. They are only concerned about their desires and it doesn’t matter who they injure along the way.

So Many Layers (ADHD)

I was just reading what people say it’s like having ADHD and I thought I’d write down what it’s like for me (along with all the other shit that’s going on in my life).

ADHD for me is like I have a million great ideas that I want to share but I can’t write fast enough nor can I type fast enough and there aren’t enough hours in a day to schedule it all. I am coming up with some really awesome ideas in every possible area you can think of (creating moving pieces of art with strong meaning, writing, what causes this disease, how to cure that one, how to teach things, how to get through to people, how to help people, wondering why (and how) most people miss the subtle things people are communicating when they talk…and on and on) and at the same time I’m reflecting on what happened in the past that lead me to the place I am now. I am also trying to solve any problems my children are having as well as the mundane things like meal planning, the best nutrition for the kids, and laundry. Deciding when they need to do what and how to remember it all. How to get myself back out there. How to get more centered spiritually. How to exercise enough to create more energy in me without going to far AND how to get motivated to get started each and every day because time doesn’t stop. It flies by!!!! All these thoughts are fast and constant. Sometimes I hold my breath briefly so my breathing isn’t distracting and I can finish s thought. Weird isn’t it? Not really to me because it’s all I’ve ever known. I can pretty much figure out how to do anything I want to do or need to do as long as I don’t doubt myself. The only thing that holds me back is my self esteem and the only reason I suffer any there is because of the things other people said to me or about me when I was younger. You know the she’s lazy and more focused on friends than her work….not ever was that true but the negative words live inside me still.

If you have a child with ADHD protect them with all you have because others will try and break them down all through school. I’ve always been smart so I was called lazy when my grades weren’t where they were suppose to be. ALL KIDS WANT TO DO WELL IN SCHOOL AND MAKE THEIR PARENTS AND TEACHERS PROUD. Figure out why instead of insulting a child. All behavior stems from a reason. Find the reason. Be their advocate!