I’ve been in a funk and unlike my normal busy writing funks of the past, this one has been blocked from most outward expression. Kind of sucks not being able to get it out but I’m ok. I know myself and this is only a valley, something to work through…fake smile myself out of. In due time….it will come.
I understand I absorb a lot. It’s not preventable. It isn’t at all and I don’t want it to be, but it works my emotions. It wears me out and the release I need isn’t one I’m ready for. Not yet.
While talking with a divorced mom I recently met, she told me why her marriage ended. Her husband cheated and left her for a call girl. My divorced mom friend from the pool has an ex-husband because he hid a secret 3 year relationship with a hooker (same as call girl but she wasn’t into framing it so p.c. I don’t blame her). My ex is addicted to strip clubs and had a full relationship with a stripper. With him, I know there is so much I do not know. What’s the problem here?!? I think a good look at the porn industry and the normalizing things that are not normal is ruining real intimacy. It’s scary to say he least.
Another story that I’ve been bothered by lately are the ones of these men I know who’s relationships and families have all disintegrated…come to an end. The reason why, their behaviors. Abuse, alcoholism, cheating, and much more. Wives that have all they had to help them and nothing helped. So now the relationships have ended and what are they doing? They are helping each other ruin the women they once loved, lives. Why, because if they break them down emotionally, financially, and other they can ruin their future. Take away any chance for them to be happy. This is so wrong. Why doesn’t anyone care about these children left in the wake? It’s baffling.
So there are a few things that I can’t shake and with that I am totally and purposefully omitting some personal things but that’s just where I am right now.
I need to buy new shoes to start my journey out of the valley again. Hopefully they’ll be fast shoes.
There are a few notes on the piano that remind me of my grandmothers house. I often hear them on sitcoms theme songs…weird but true. How I long for the comfort of her house. I was a lucky child. There was love. I was wanted. Never was I left behind.
Being an adult doesn’t offer those same emotional comforts however I give them to my children. What notes will they remember as their safe comfort?
My little girl came home from school today and told me her friends parents were getting divorced. Her voice cracked and her eyes filled with tears for her friend’s hurting heart. She hurt for her. She hurt with her. She’s full of empathy. I’ve known it since she was tiny. At 9 she has such emotional maturity. I’m so proud of her heart.
Empathy is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I really understand people, their emotions, and their hearts. A curse because I really feel all the emotions of others, all the time, everyday, and it sometimes wipes me out…zaps my energy but I wouldn’t want it any other way. My little girl is so much like me.
My heart hurts for my daughters friend’s family. I know them and I cannot believe it, they seemed so happy.
It goes to show that you never know what’s going on in other people’s lives. Another reason to always be kind. Kindness is love and love heals.
It’s all hills and valleys
We’re all trying to reach the Summit
Battling negative enter dialogue
The voice is mine
The words are yours
Healing is lifelong
Holding on to what I know
Another year has past by, not much different than the one before. Little steps forward, never leaps. Slow and steady. It my only way. Too cautious some may say. I’m ok with that. I’ve lived through much chaos. I’m looking for peace. Cautiously protecting that possibility.
This year….I have a feeling about this one. I have a purpose. I have many purposes. I’ve always said I’d help others like me. I think it has always been a part of my plan. I’ll never look away when something is uncomfortable. I’ll walk toward you hoping to find the right words, trusting my heart and instincts guide me. You are never alone. I’ve got you.