It seems I have had nothing to say as of late. I'm always feeling a lot. Worried a lot. Always on the go. Happy but frustrated and yet none of it even matters. I'm lucky and cursed. Aren't we all? Circle thinking. Habitual circle thinker.
I've relied on therapy during the most difficult times. Not strong enough to trust my instincts but not anymore. I've been spot on about everything. Always have been. The problem was never me. My problem was trusting my insight. My intellect. My mind is strong and I am smart. I've just been naive giving trust to the wrong people. Allowing my gift of openness to be used against me as I once refused to believe that most people aren't kind. That most people had hearts and felt more love than they did. I believed everyone at their core was good. I don't believe that anymore. I use to believe that we all connect with our inner child, no matter how old we are, and that place is where we'd go when the road forked and a decision has to be made. Making the right choice, of course, through those child's eyes because we all dreamed of making this world a little better than the one we grew up in. But, that isn't true. Some of us aren't made with love at our cores. Some of us aren't concerned with others. Some of us aren't concerned about the lives changed because of selfish behaviors. Some of us don't give a shit.
I'm not one of those people.
Not even close.
Inside me is nothing but love.
Thank goodness for that.
I want the warm, amber, light feeling of family for my children. The light that encases you. Engulfs you. The one that draws you into love. Where you feel home not just go home.
Sometimes being sensitive and anxious wears at me. Yawn. It’s like I get my feelings hurt and now I’m going to worry about why I do. Then obsess about learning to not be sensitive. Followed by worrying about worrying. Then getting angry because I’m wasting time thinking about it. Then trying not to. Try to clear my thoughts. Meditate….can’t. Think white blank paper…oh no, it’s lined. Damn lines. It’s college ruled. My kids are in elementary school. I need wise rules. Wait! No lines…blank paper. Meditate. This isn’t working. Ok. Ok. Eyes closed. Blue cloudless sky. Clear blue. Just blue. Blue. Nothing. Blue. Small cloud. Wait! Get out of my head cloud. Blue cloud. I can’t believe he said that. Ugh. Forget it. Surrender to who I am. 🙄big eye rolling moments. I wonder if it would be cool to not give a shit and never give anything a second thought. Like if someone said you don’t deserve anything you have and that they are going to take it from you and leave you alone with nothing…. I could shrug my shoulders and walk away. Ten steps later I forgot what was said and I’m doing something else. LIFE GOALS! Seriously I want to be the shrug it off chick 🤷🏼♀️.
Shruggy McChuggy 🤷🏼♀️ 🍻. Living life with an ehhh whatever attitude…then forgetting whatever she was ehh-ing.
Maybe I just want to be oblivious like one of those people that don’t get jokes or funny sarcasm. I could walk around all the time saying, “I don’t get it.” Those people don’t have anxiety or sensitivities…do they? I could be like that you tube video of the girl who’s boyfriend asks her crazy questions and she gets pissed when he laughs at her. The, would you want your large pizza sliced into 8 pieces or 12 pieces and say 8 because I can’t eat 12. Haha. Yes, I’ll be like that. Space cadet.
At the pool recently I was asked by another single mom about the behavior of my ex and another pool mom’s ex husband’s behavior. She didn’t understand why they went to so much effort to do these inconsiderate, pointless things. Her ex isn’t like that. They co-parent together well. They help each other out when needed and they still enjoy their children together. They respect each others position in their children’s lives. My ex controls child support and alimony. He pays this much this month, another amount the next, and none the next. He waits until I’m heading to the child support services and deposited almost the correct amount for that month. Most of the time it is short a couple of hundred but it’s enough to stop me in my tracks. I am trying to keep this pleasant for our children. As soon as I go to court to file he is going to become a ragging bull and to hurt me he will take it out on our children. He knows this is where it hurts me the most. To see them sad and hurt. My pool friend couldn’t wrap her head around that. She said it didn’t’ make sense. That’s the thing, it doesn’t have to when you’re dealing with someone with a personality disorder. They are mostly concerned with how they are being treated unfairly and for revenge they have to hurt who they feel is mistreating them even when their methods are completely insane. Remember, my husband was the one who was busted for having an affair with a daytime stripper in a secret apartment and because I found the apartment, discovered his secret life and took a go pro containing evidence, he felt I was treating him unfairly. So what does he do to retaliate? He comes to our home, while I’m hiding out broken hearted and afraid with our children, and decides to take all my deceased parents jewelry, photos, and to get me back even more, he takes the kids Wii-u. Is there anyone out there that thinks that sounds like a normal way of reacting to hurting his family? I hope not. See…bizarre thought pattern that makes no sense. You can’t explain it to someone that hasn’t experienced it. They think you’re dramatic 🙄. My friend’s cluster b decided to punish her by taking away her ability to talk to her children except for a small amount of minutes a day when he has them. Even if they get scared at night or sick and want to talk to her, they can’t unless they decide not to talk to her during their alloted time but instead save their minutes for just in case. She doesn’t restrict his communication with them but he rarely calls them anyway. He just wanted this control. For what you ask….to hurt his ex-wife because he could. None of it had to do with what was best for their children. Ugh, its exhausting.
So here I am a single mom with a difficult ex trying to make the best of a bad situation for our children. A man that makes things very difficult. I could decide to never talk to him and disconnect completely, like a lot of people do for their own sanity, or keep things civil as long as possible for our children. I chose to do the second but it leaves me always lonely and exhausted and terrified of dating. I’m also terrified of being alone forever. I love love. I love to be held at night. I love taking care of someone and knowing they also take care of me. I love having someone to turn to and someone to laugh with and someone to walk through this life. I don’t have that anymore. The truth is, when I had it before, it wasn’t real. He had a good act for a long time. 10 years to be exact. I was just too trusting to know that he had a whole other life going on when he left home to head to work. All of it lies. Which is why I’m a single mom who takes her children to the doctor for checkups, the dentists for clean teeth. The one who takes care of them when they’re sick and the one who tucks them in the bed every night. I’m the one that makes sure they have clean clothes and helps them with their baths. I’m the one that reads to them, with them, and encourages them when they start reading alone. I’m the one that helps with homework, even when I have to goggle some of the things I don’t understand. I am the ones that wipes their tears and loves them every day. I’m the one that pushes them in their interest and compliments them on their hard work. I’m the one that cheers for them at everything they do because I am proud of them, but I’m also the one doing it alone. I have no one to look at when I’m laughing because they are so silly, or when I’m so proud I cry. I have no one to make eye contact with and feel it with because even when he’s there, he doesn’t feel it. He tries to steal the glory by saying it’s because of his so-called superior genetic trait or he down plays their achievements by pointing out what they didn’t do just right or how it could’ve been better. So alone I try to repair their hurt when they tell me that Daddy didn’t think it was that great, daddy said I didn’t do it right, or daddy said I got this because of something other than doing a good job. I do it alone and a lot. So I’m a single lonely mom but a happy, thankful mom. I did get to have them. For that I am blessed. I just wish there was someone to share it with and someone to get excited with and so happy and proud we cry. I just wish when I close my eyes to sleep at night that someone was there to hold me. Oh how I miss arms around me. Even if the love wasn’t real. It was real to me before I knew it was not.
The nights are always so lonely.
I’ve disappeared on here a little as of late. Maybe it’s only because it’s summer or it could be because of other things. I haven’t decided to be honest with myself yet as I paddle down denial river. I habitually do this. It’s when there are no answers, when I’m uncomfortable in my own skin, and when there’s a lot of emptiness.
I know something’s not right because I’m reading less; your writings, journal articles, google searches for curiosity reasons. All ceased. It’s baffling and familiar all the same. It’s not sadness or happiness. Just still. I’m moving. I’m active. Social even. I’m just not sure I’m feeling any of it. I miss my hyperness, being excited, and feeling positive.
I have a show coming up that I bought tickets to months ago. I lined up a babysitter a month ago. I’m dreading it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?! I hope I’ll snap out of it soon.
I saw this the other day and felt like it described how I feel a majority of the time. I mean, I struggled before when I was younger and closer to perfect (no one is perfect but you know what I mean). How the hell am I suppose to feel now with all of this emotional baggage, wrinkles, and scars. My trust issues alone. No one is that patient and I’m a runner…if it seems too good, it is. Run before you get hurt.
When people say they are homebodies does that mean they are depressed. I think maybe 🤔.