🤔

Everyday it is like I understand everything and nothing all in the same breath.

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He named her “Snowy”

Moments.

A moment.

The moment.

Brief yet everlasting.

And then all out.

All

Nothing left inside.

Everything remaining out.

Visually here but gone.

I see you.

Warmth still felt upon your skin.

Your hand.

I hold you.

Thank you.

Tell you I’ll never stop missing you, loving you, needing you.

Then you’re gone.

Then you’re gone.

4 years pass and you’re gone.

I am here.

He named her Snowy, is what I would’ve told you today if I could’ve called you. I knew you would chuckle at that. He always made you laugh. She did Tutu.

❤️

Halloween, Wants & Needs

We made it through and the kids had a blast! They love halloween and I love watching how excited they get. It’s pretty fantastic. I love their joy. It’s infectious. That’s where my happiness lies. In them. It’s not that I depend on them to be happy, it’s just….I love them. Like I should. Like all parents should. I mean kids are pretty incredible (minus the tantrums, messes, and stubbornness).

You see, recently someone asked me in a shocked way….You don’t date?! I’ll admit for a few days it made me feel like something was wrong with me but I know there’s not. I’m ok. I don’t need someone to date to be happy. I don’t need to have a man by my side to be happy. I am happy. What I need is financial stability. I need less worry. I need time to work it all out before anything else crumbles. I need to keep my children’s life as normal as possible until I get there. The problem is, time never waits. It keeps moving and I’m not where I need to be.

I don’t need someone new to make me feel loved. I don’t look for it and I don’t feel less than without it. I miss being married. I miss the comfort it originally brought but the end result wasn’t comforting. It was HARD.

I have love. I love my children and they love me. Right now, that is all I need. It’s everything, it’s enough, and I’m strong enough to be alone until someone shows up easily and it just fits. Not looking for it. It just slides in like it was always there. If it doesn’t, I’ll be fine with that too.

Walking around my neighborhood with my children tonight I noticed all the windows filled with that warm amber light that always means home to me. It makes me think of my mother patting my little leg and calling me her sweet little girl. It reminds me of the smells of her cooking. It makes me remember her face at the door, waiting, as I drove in the driveway. Always waiting to welcome me home. To the warmth of that amber glow. To the love of home.

I know I’m that glow to my children. That love is bigger, it’s more important than anything else. I am home.

❤️ – Happy Halloween 🎃

I don’t wanna

Lately I’m tired. I can’t write. Too distracted to read much. Too worried to sleep. I’m so over my thoughts. I’m getting on my own nerves. Haha. That is pretty rough.

November is creeping up. I feel it behind me…nails on chalkboard creepers. Go away! Can’t we just skip to December. These months….they don’t bring out the best in me. I’m just sitting on the edge. Perched and waiting to jump. The bottom always falls out. Always in November. Come on bitch. I’m ready. Put up your dukes (seriously don’t take me seriously 😒). I do fear November. That’s no joke.

Rest come to me. I need to prepare my mental bomb shelter.

Home

It lives and breathes but it shouldn’t.

It is where it all began.

Where they began.

Where they started.

It’s where we started.

It lives and breathes.

It’s where they said yes.

It’s where they changed me.

It where the love was more than I ever knew.

It’s where they came to me.

It’s where my smile hurt my cheeks.

It’s where I was happy.

It lives and breathes.

It’s where they watched me live.

It’s where the clean garage waited for visits that could only be in the car… until they were no more.

It’s where a placed a bench in the yard for you to sit and watch when the stairs were too hard…until they were no more.

It’s where I was when the loss of you made the air leave my lungs, my throat sting, and my eyes hurt from crying. It’s where you left me.

It lives and breathes.

It’s where they came and where their last breathes were released.

It lives and breathes.

It’s the place that kept me safe and hid my tears.

It never judged me when I fell apart and slept more than lived.

It held me in its walls when you let me go.

It surrounded me and the babies and kept our love safe.

It lives and breathes.

It lives and breathes.

It lives and breathes.