EA = Defeated

I feel like I’m always fighting against myself. With the things that have happened in my life I feel myself waiting for the next bad event. Horrible. I fight these thoughts with all my might. I pray about it. I write down positive thoughts and plans for my future. I try to not think about me, my needs, my future. I’m about as good at that as I am meditating. Not. At. All. These thoughts wear me out. Paralyze me. Irritate me like sandpaper against my skin. Ugh.

My future, the one I use to be so excited about, looks bleak. I look forward to the kid’s futures. I’m excited about their lives….just not mine. I am not looking forward to one thing personally. First time ever!

I want to want to start dating. I jus don’t want to. I’m not strong enough. I flirt. I sometimes feel drawn to men. Nice men. Father’s. Good, kind, nice, single father’s. Then…no. I can’t. I cannot. I feel old and unattractive. I feel damaged and weak. I feel like I don’t recognize myself and I know I don’t have time to find myself again! I did that in my 20s and now I’m lost again and I don’t have time to deal with it. I have two wonderful children that are my responsibility. I don’t have time.

I need something to look forward to that is about me. I feel lost. Lonely. Scared. But saying that makes me feel weak.

I hate weak.

It makes me feel less than.

Ugly.

Old.

Damaged.

It leads me into darkness when all I ever crave is the light.

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Random Thoughts

As my once husband ventures off to extreme selfishville (again) I calmed my nerves by thinking, thank God he’s not mine anymore. Then I thought of his current girlfriend and thought, I bet she’s thinking I’m a saint about now. Then I decided all of the women he tricks and discards must come to the realization that I am not whatever he sold me as to them. Funny how things works out. I don’t need actual validation as I know they all come to this point. Well, all except one. The first one I found out about. We were still married and she knew it and still dove in, seduced by his lies. She doesn’t feel good things about me. I sent her mother the poem she wrote about my husband dick. Still today it was the best decision I’ve never regretted. Makes me laugh out loud….still. I need to find a copy of it to post. So dumb of her. So gross. Can you imagine that mother daughter conversation? So funny.

Good night my lovies ❤️

Conversations and Lifestyles

I’ve been in a funk and unlike my normal busy writing funks of the past, this one has been blocked from most outward expression. Kind of sucks not being able to get it out but I’m ok. I know myself and this is only a valley, something to work through…fake smile myself out of. In due time….it will come.

I understand I absorb a lot. It’s not preventable. It isn’t at all and I don’t want it to be, but it works my emotions. It wears me out and the release I need isn’t one I’m ready for. Not yet.

While talking with a divorced mom I recently met, she told me why her marriage ended. Her husband cheated and left her for a call girl. My divorced mom friend from the pool has an ex-husband because he hid a secret 3 year relationship with a hooker (same as call girl but she wasn’t into framing it so p.c. I don’t blame her). My ex is addicted to strip clubs and had a full relationship with a stripper. With him, I know there is so much I do not know. What’s the problem here?!? I think a good look at the porn industry and the normalizing things that are not normal is ruining real intimacy. It’s scary to say he least.

Another story that I’ve been bothered by lately are the ones of these men I know who’s relationships and families have all disintegrated…come to an end. The reason why, their behaviors. Abuse, alcoholism, cheating, and much more. Wives that have all they had to help them and nothing helped. So now the relationships have ended and what are they doing? They are helping each other ruin the women they once loved, lives. Why, because if they break them down emotionally, financially, and other they can ruin their future. Take away any chance for them to be happy. This is so wrong. Why doesn’t anyone care about these children left in the wake? It’s baffling.

So there are a few things that I can’t shake and with that I am totally and purposefully omitting some personal things but that’s just where I am right now.

I need to buy new shoes to start my journey out of the valley again. Hopefully they’ll be fast shoes.

❤️

Piano Notes

There are a few notes on the piano that remind me of my grandmothers house. I often hear them on sitcoms theme songs…weird but true. How I long for the comfort of her house. I was a lucky child. There was love. I was wanted. Never was I left behind.

Being an adult doesn’t offer those same emotional comforts however I give them to my children. What notes will they remember as their safe comfort?

Empathy

My little girl came home from school today and told me her friends parents were getting divorced. Her voice cracked and her eyes filled with tears for her friend’s hurting heart. She hurt for her. She hurt with her. She’s full of empathy. I’ve known it since she was tiny. At 9 she has such emotional maturity. I’m so proud of her heart.

Empathy is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I really understand people, their emotions, and their hearts. A curse because I really feel all the emotions of others, all the time, everyday, and it sometimes wipes me out…zaps my energy but I wouldn’t want it any other way. My little girl is so much like me.

My heart hurts for my daughters friend’s family. I know them and I cannot believe it, they seemed so happy.

It goes to show that you never know what’s going on in other people’s lives. Another reason to always be kind. Kindness is love and love heals.

Are You Good Enough

Self reflection

Triggers

Pushing forward

Pushing through

It’s all hills and valleys

We’re all trying to reach the Summit

Battling negative enter dialogue

The voice is mine

The words are yours

Healing is lifelong

Holding on to what I know