My world is falling apart but I am getting stronger.

My marriage is over.  In a lot of ways I feel relieved but when I see the sadness in my children’s eyes, I wish I could’ve fixed it for them.  The truth is, I couldn’t.  My husband is a lying, cheating, sociopath and finding him with a secret apartment, a lunchtime stripper and a video that showed it all was too much.  It isn’t repairable.  

The kids and I are staying busy and enjoying our summer break as much as possible.  They are sad.  Shit, I am sad!  I mean how could my husband, the person I loved and made a family with purposely betray me and betray our family without feeling anything.  My poor babies.

I am very thankful for the childhood I had and at this time in my life, I feel strength in remembering some of those wonderful memories.  The memories that helped form my faith, the memories that made me feel truthful love, and the memories I want to make for my sweet babies.

Fireworks 

Every 4th of July we were invited to watch fireworks at my aunt and uncle’s house.  My cousins and I would run around outside, catching lightening bugs, playing tag, or hide and go seek until it got dark.  This year we hadn’t been invited…yet.  I was getting nervous.  This was one of my favorite things to do and I just had to go! My daddy got up and walked into the kitchen and in my 5 year old little mind I started praying, “Please God, when my daddy sits back down on the couch, let the phone ring and let it be my aunt inviting us to her house.”  I repeated this prayer in my head over and over and over again as I watched my daddy take his time in the kitchen.  Finally he started making his way back to his seat and as his bottom hit the cushion…..rrrrrriiiiiinnnngg.  The phone rang and a gigantic smile spread across my face.  I listened to as much as I could to hear what my mom was saying but I couldn’t hear everything.  She hung the phone on its place on the wall and delivered the news, we were invited to see the firework show!  It was so exciting!  I took a moment to thank God for answering my prayers and I was in awe of his power.  This was I huge moment in my faith.  I believed,  but I really really believed after this. 

If only we all had his childlike faith.  I still have it and this keeps me strong.  I am not alone.  I am never alone.  Thank you, God.  I know one day this will all make sense and I ask you to please help me along the way.  Please protect and love my children and God, please help my husband find a way to let you into his heart.  He is and will always be the father of our children.  He needs to find you.

Love to all of you struggling.  

Our pain and hard times don’t define us.  We will get past the pain.  ❤️

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