Egg shells & oxygen

All day I’ve felt stuck like I can’t go back and I can’t go forward.  There are papers to be filled out for court, papers to be filled out for both kids for school,  their are volunteer opportunities, PTA, supply lists, homework sheets to be done, reviews to be read and signed, then there are sport forms to be filled out, gear to be bought, then the emotions,  shielding them from unnecessary hurt, taking them to counseling, then there’s me….my life. I don’t have time for me.  I need to think about what kind of job I can get.  Can u be available for the kids and work when I have no help ever.  Whew!  Spinning.   Then there’s the wait…the wait for when my husband loses his temper because it’s coming. He hasn’t change his behavior.  He isn’t safe for our children.  Why can’t he just do the right thing and get better for them.   Waiting for the BAM!  He’ll find out soon, this week, that I know.  I am stronger than he thinks and I will not back down because he is a bully and not protect our children.  I will always fight him on that until he does what is needed.  To stop with all the sex, strip clubs, porn and whatever else I’m not aware of.  

Change!  I don’t care what personality disorder you have.  You’re no dummy.  You know right from wrong and that’s what you need to work from.  In sure it’s hard since you feel nothing but think of yourself as a child and imagine the life you wanted.  Don’t deny your children of that.  They don’t want this!  Can you imagine how they’ll feel, one day, when they find out what you’ve done.  Secrets always find a way out of the dark.  They’ll be grossed out.  It’s not fair to them!

Their needs should be above yours!!!! I’m so happy I’m not riding this cluster B personality disorder train.  EMPATHY ROCKS!  It was one of those things I waited for, like crawling, walking, first word,….EMPATHY.  No joke, I seriously did.  I waited for it and almost cried as I watch our sweet babies have compassionate caring, love for others.  So…now I’ll wAit.  I’m dreading the emotional abuse/bashing coming to me.  He may get a few things in before I block his number for the day.  It would be forever but he has to call our children so he has to be able to get through. 

It’s like I’m standing in the center of of a room, oxygen is being pumped in.  There are egg shells on every walkable surface of the room except  the small circular spot I’m standing.  Dead center. I can’t move.  I can’t breathe.  I’m suffocating.  

Breeeeaaaaatttttthhhhhhheeeeeeeee.

 

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