Aside

Inner Voice Identity Crisis

Some days I struggle with the possibility that I may take a lot of what my husband worked for from him.  My attorney has a plan to keep our children’s life stable and to give me something for my future.   I realize that the emotional and financial abuse I’ve endured the last 10+ years has altered the way I feel about myself.  I still hear him telling me, “Get a job.  You are making me broke and we can’t afford to live like this anymore.”   I’d ask him to sit down and discuss what we needed and what was missing.   I wondered if we could figure out how much I needed to make at a job, if we could cut back on some things to make ends meet because I still wanted to be available to our 2 young children and not work just pay for daycare.  He would become outraged and just tell me to get a effin job!  When I did I could tell him what they offered and he’d tell me if it would be worth it. This was ridiculous and  I refused to do it this way.  I knew something was “off” and until we could discuss our finances like mature, married, responsible adults, I would not be looking for a job.  He would rebel and do what he wanted for weeks as I took care of our babies, house and pets.  I was strong enough to refuse this ridiculous demand so I thought I was strong but it did affect my self worth. I know being a full time parent to 2 kids 20 months apart with 2 parents becoming ill and dying within 3 years of each other, was HARD work and I juggled it all but he always insulted everything.  How long the kids had bottles, the bedtime routines, pacifiers, food choices, how long I breastfed, how I was breastfeeding wrong, how expensive formula was,  why I didn’t feed them all organic and when I did, why I couldn’t budget better for our groceries.  I could never win.  Even when I needed help because my dad almost died from a massive heart attack, he asked me to see if his mom was available. He needed to go workout.  He wasn’t going to help me out even if she couldn’t. Luckily she was available, that time,  but when Dad’s kidneys failed, when hospice was called because my mom was on her last days and many many other hospital emergencies, he would either say no and complain I spent too much money on babysitters or he’d keep them and call me every 30 minutes or less to ask me over and over if I was done yet.  He always had something he had to do; golf, yoga, watch the game at a bar, and if he’d known it was going to take this long he would have told me to do something else with them.  That now his whole effin day was ruined.  He rush out of the door the moment I got home and wouldn’t return until way past our children’s bedtimes.  He would punish me for needing him to be a parent to our children or be a supportive partner for me.  Why I tolerated it, I don’t know.  I’m sure years of therapy will help me uncover this.  Obviously he didn’t act this way when we were dating or when we first got married but it wasn’t  long after.  He originally treated me like a princess and was compassionate and loving and tender.  He played this role well and I can’t believe he pulled it off so well for so long.  Narcissist are tricky.  I guess it’s easy to be so minipulative when your insides, your soul is blank.  

I know I shouldn’t care if he’s left without anything (which is highly unlikely) but I’m not that kind of person, and obviously my injured selfworth doesnt think I deserve anything, but I know our kids do.  

I hear my parents voices/opinions in my head all the time but this time their voices disagree.  I hear my mom say, “Take him to the cleaners.  He treated you and the kids like you were nothing.” My dad voice says, “Don’t take everything he’s worked hard for.  You should be fair because you can live with yourself and your choices if you do.”  

So, it is true that the way you talk to you children and even what you’ve said, are their inner voices when they’re  adults.  I’m living proof.  My question is what do you do when the inner voices disagree?  I guess I’ll have to get the courage to trust myself and find my value inside myself.  It’s not so much about material things, it’s about security for the kids and myself.  I also should mention that after all the years of not being allowed to see our financial accounts, credit card statements etc. I’ve now been given, little by little (as he is trying to resist giving up his secrets but the court is making him) copies of our financial statements including credit card statements and banks accounts from many years ago to the present.  I know now why he yelled at me about getting a job, he was spending a MASSIVE amount of money on himself.  He couldn’t afford his lifestyle and our family.  He wanted me to take care of our family and work to financially support us too.  He enjoyed daily stripclub visits for years, he took out enormous amounts of cash, took expensive vacations with other women and much much more.  He argued over every penny spent on vacations with our children but for him and his latest mistress, anything goes.

What a jackass.  

Maybe my mom is right, take him to the cleaners!

What do you think?

  

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5 thoughts on “Inner Voice Identity Crisis

  1. My marriage was exactly like this and I questioned for a long time why I put up with it as well. They manipulate you. When working on it is no longer working and asking for things to change becomes pointless, you turn to yourself. Maybe you can change. And for that manipulation alone, take him to the cleaners!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think they slowly and manipulatively break us down until we’re living in this marriage we don’t recognize. It’s been the hardest experience but without it I wouldn’t have my babies. They’re worth all of it. They deserve a better father and a better situation so, thank you, the cleaners it is ;)!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. First…thank God you are getting out of this cesspool of manipulation and pain. Key for you is to heal those wounds and take a whole girl in to the future. With that in mind, I hope you can ensure that you are okay – really okay, financially, and that your children are too. If that means he loses (almost) everything, so be it…not your issue. Your issue is YOU, THE KIDS. If your focus is taking it all, you may win, but lose all at once. Keep the main thing the main thing: your security, your financial health. And with that, seek your emotional wholeness and health. Such big HUGS to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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