The day.

 

I fall asleep on the couch every night.  The bed is so big.  I only sleep on my corner of it.  I can’t go upstairs too awake.  I can never go to sleep.  People tell me how strong I am.  I’m not strong.  I’m just tired.  I’m just moving,raising kids.  I’m just breathing-in and out.  The sun comes up in the morning and goes down at night  and I’m still breathing.  My house is still the same.  Our kids have their same rooms, their same friends, and their same school.  That won’t last too much longer and I’m scared.  I still don’t have a job.  I’m trying but it’s going to take time.  My parents have past.  They can’t help me.  They’re not here.  I’m afraid I’ll lose it all before I can begin again and it’s scary with 2 little ones who count on me and their routine.

We argue.  Text argue but we’re both scared, I think.  I know he doesn’t want to lose me forever but he’s not willing to change or even admit he was wrong. I’ll admit I wasn’t perfect but i was always willing to work at it. He wasn’t.  Now it’s all ending.

I know he loves me in the only way he knows how to but not the way normal people love. He just told me he was miserable because we didn’t have sex everyday.  He was mean to me.  How could I have sex with someone everyday that wasn’t even nice to me.  He’s delusional.  I’m tired.  

How do I do this?  My resume is driving me crazy.  I have mommy brain.  Everything is much scarier when you can’t fail.  Not when these two precious babies depend on you for everything.  I wish I could be more.  I love them with everything I’ve got.

When will things get better?  Tomorrow?  

Will I ever get a job again and will I get hood why I deserve?  

I just want to be ok.  I want them to be happy and not have a tragic childhood.  

I’ll pray.  I’ll give it to God.  I just hope he guides me to where I’m suppose to be.

Fingers crossed.

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