Pray, wish, hope, survive

 I’ll admit, a few months ago, I bought a lottery ticket. The winning amount was enormous! There had been weeks where no one had won and I thought, please, PLEASE, please, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, God, let me win and allow me to break free from this man.  
I didn’t win. Bummer, I know. It wasn’t in my plan, but I really wanted it to be. Financial freedom from my narcissistic, borderline, whatevered, personality disordered husband. What a blessing, a relief that would’ve been. I mean he’s drives me absofreakinlootly cuuuurazy! Reference my previous posts if you want a taste of how much….it taste bitter. Real bitter.
I’m still searching for financial freedom because once I cut those strings free, he’ll have absolutely ZERO control over me. Well ok, not really but sort of. I mean he’ll be a major hijacker of my emotions because of the hurt he places on our innocent little ones, but I’m not in control of his bullshit. I’m only in control of how I respond to it and how I choose to LOVE them. My love for them is immeasurable. It’s so large! It’s life. It’s love. It’s everything.  
Living a life with this man and our children was like this…think of an 8 year old not getting their way, being selfish, and having little, if any, care about anyone else’s needs or feelings. Now imagine that in a grown ass faux married man with children. I still have a hard time understanding his mentality and I guess, he has I hard time understanding mine, but I promise you he has never had that thought. Promise. He however has thought how unfair it is that he has to pay me child support and spousal support. So much so that he doesn’t until he feels like it and even then he bitches and doesn’t pay in full. This is his money, not mine. He called me unreasonable, just tonight, because I wouldn’t give him more money from our children’s piggy banks. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention, he admitted stealing $200 dollars from our daughters piggy bank on Sunday but it was for something for her and he informed me and justified it by texting me, FYI, I used that money to pay for our upcoming daddy/daughter weekend. So that’s why I needed it.  
I informed him that didn’t make it ok. His behavior was still wrong no matter what the reason. Even though we all know he was at a stripclub. Yucko 👎.
I will still pray constantly for a way out. I mean how much longer will it be that he is still so dominant in my daily thoughts. I pray not long.  


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