We all enter this world with personality traits already imbedded in us, a part of us. We learn other ways of being from our surroundings, but internally who we are, who we were born to be, is still inside of us. If a person is born with determination and a will to succeed, to a family with the means to support them and a loving set of parents, they will (most likely) succeed in the world. That doesn’t mean a child with these same internal, God given traits won’t do as well if they’re from a poor, broken home. It mostly just means, they may have to work harder, maybe longer, but they will still get there. The drive, the fight, the desire to succeed was who they were born to be.
I was born a loving, kind, compassionate child. I was born observant, artistic, and resilent. I was also born disorganized, distracted, yet determined, and I am still all of those things today. I was born loyal and thoughtful. I’d never intentionally hurt anyone or anything (not counting bugs and snakes of course). I’ve been taught techniques to be organized, and I can be, to a degree, but it’s not a natural way of being for me. It’s a struggle. I’ve was dianosed with attention deficit disorder long ago and I was taught many skills to stay focused to finish tasks but again, these things are still today a struggle that I fight every single day. I’ve been told that when you do something, a certain amount of days, it becomes a part of you. It will just become second nature. It can become who you are. These things were never true for me. That’s not to say that I can’t tackle these things but those original traits, traits, that define me, the ones thought of as negative as well as the ones that are positive, are just who I am. Are all of us with failing marriages fight for a change that is just not going to happen? Are we fighting, wasting time and emotions on the impossible.
Do we rush to marry or settle with people, out of habit, or out of the need to fulfill our “family” dream. We marry people we want to be a different way but overlook the fact that they are just who they are. We start families together and suddenly these traits are not as easy to ignore. Were offended by the lack of care and lack of togetherness we always craved, and wanted, but we married someone who wanted and needed something else. They don’t know how to be who we desire them to be because they aren’t that person. Our marriages were doomed before they even started because we each are just seeing our vision of how the future will be. Sadly these visions don’t match. Like the matching memory game I play with my kids, if I turn two cards over and they don’t match, I don’t get a match. I can’t force them the match when they don’t and I can’t say they match when they don’t. I mean, a flower and a hotdog are different things. Simple enough. A flower and a hotdog can never win, only a hotdog with a hotdog or a flower and flower…..that just read like I’m meaning sexual preference, but that was just an accident and I refuse to change it because it made me giggle.
We are born different sexes as well (I am not going to tap into gay verses straight or transgender, not because these things aren’t important but because it’s not the direction I’m trying to go). I believe just that is a difference that can’t be ignored. With the increasing cost of living, as well as us women wanted and needing to be treated as equals to men, has caused trouble due to our God given abilities and traits. Women desire professional success, as much, if not more as our male counterparts, but we are the ones who grow babies inside ourselves. Our bond to these children are stronger due to this. The strain on our bodies, physically and emotionally, makes it hard to jump back into the workforce just 12 weeks later. Our brains don’t work the same immediately, or maybe ever, after that. Not that our intelligence is lacking afterwards, in fact, quite the opposite, however we are driven to mother our child and not as driven to close that sale or research or win whatever professional goal we set for ourselves before. We are torn and we, at times, submit to what is expected of us, leaving us to feel like failure in every aspect of our lives. No one ever mentions the guilt of motherhood and at the end of everyday we feel like we are never enough. Wanting support and compassion from our husbands but not receiving it.
Now let’s look at men. This is just my perspective, as a women looking in from the outside. Men, by nature, are born to be providers, hunters and gatherers per se. In the past, men were to support, protect and provide for their families. They were teachers to their children and lovers of their wives. Fast forward to today, men and women both provide, hunt and gather, as well as most everything else. The defined, simplistic lines of living in our past are blurry today. Women expect their men to help with the children, help with chores, help with meals, shopping, budgeting etc. Most men by nature, by God given traits, aren’t drivin to do some of these things, which leads to conflict, nagging, exhaustion, and the dissolution of marriages, breaking up of families.
So are we just fighting against nature. It seems like we are. We are causing our own problems and expecting behaviors from others that mirror our own, even though, we don’t realize, it’s as simple as it’s just not who they are. It’s not who they’ll ever be nor will you be who they think you should be.
I have been a stay at home mom, so one may have thought I was living the simpler way of being a family. My husband financially provides and I provide care to our children, home, and him. It wasn’t like that. The family model looked the same but the outcome wasn’t recognizable. My husband resented me for not also being a financial provider, didn’t feel appreciated, and was bored with what his referred to as his Groundhog Day (Bill Murray movie 1993). I was exhausted, felt lonely, unsupported and unappreciated. My husband was bored with my conversations of what the kids ate, did, and said and missed his freedom. I missed having my best friend and the person I wanted to share a family with. I wanted a supportive family man and loving husband and he wanted a party girl and constant, exciting, life experiences.
We wanted different things.
For as long as I remember, I’ve wanted a family. He probably always wanted a party. Who knows, what I do know is my family or flower would never match his party or hotdog. They just don’t make a match. I wanted romance, lovemaking, and adventures and he wanted flashing lights, whips, chains, choking, and dirty, nasty f***ing on a daily. These physical needs don’t match either. Conflict.
So my question is, how did so many of us end up in the line, with a flashing sign that blinked, NOT A MATCH, without seeing it. Were we all too busy trying to connect the wrong side of two magnets and being confused at the resistance or are we all just a group of optimist, drinking from our 1/2 full glasses, trying to changed the magnets mind, maybe giving in and flipping the magnet to connect and not realizing we didn’t win? The resisting sides of the magnet didn’t change and connect, we flipped it and surrendered to it. And here goes the beginning of surrendering our needs and expecting success but instead finding failure and the effin light is still flashing, NOT A MATCH. Why are we still confused? How do we not see!?
Now that I’m single again I do not want to settle for anyone that will resist me and my needs for their own. I want to look for my match but I fear I’ll be too distracted to see again. Will I be on the porch, rocking in my rocking chair, sipping on a 1/2 full glass of lemonade, enjoying the attention and affection and ignoring the differences? Hope not.
Live and learn, I guess.
Keeping my wall up for now.
Hanging my Keep Out sign until I know.