Why does it still hurt?

I thought I was strong.  

I know I am but why does it still hurt? 

The man cheated on me twice and had 2 full relationships with other women during our marriage.  Why does it hurt when I hear he’s dating someone.  Maybe it hurts because he has always treated me as if I didn’t matter.  Maybe because we had this beautiful family and he just didn’t want it.  Maybe because what I thought was everything, he thought was nothing special.  Maybe because he can’t be alone long enough for me to feel like he’s trying to work on himself.  I just don’t understand how he can constantly be in a relationship.  One right after the other, like our marriage was no different than any of these different women he has in and out of his life. It’s just hard to see your husband fall in, what he thinks is, love and act all giddy and happy about it.  I’m still trying to get over him and heal from our marriage ending.  I mean we’re not even officially divorced yet.  

I just want to move on and not hurt.  I don’t know how to.  I thought I did but, man this stings just like I haven’t made any progress.  Maybe I just thought he’d want me and fight for me.  I know we can’t be together, but maybe I just needed him to try, so I’d feel like it was important to him.  I wanted him to know he messed up and regret all that he has done.   I’m just heartbroken today.  I mean I don’t want him anymore.  He isn’t the man I married, but I still miss that man.  I still miss our family being one.  I miss loving him and he loving me.  I like being married.  It made me feel important and special.  I just feel rejected all over again. 

That burning sensation is winning and I can’t fight the tears. 

So sad.

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8 thoughts on “Why does it still hurt?

  1. Oh my goodness IOM, I know those feelings. ALL those feelings in your final paragraph. I saw you read my Get a divorce blog, and so I know you will have read some words that are very similar to what you’ve written here. But I also want you to know that I’m hurting too at the moment, because he has a new girlfriend and because she has suddenly become more important than us, his ‘other’ family. It hurts me. And it hurts to see the kids hurting too (mine are 16 & 13).
    Head up and keep looking straight ahead, yes? It will have to stop one day xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s so difficult some days! Other days I feel like I’ve got this. I mean they’re idiots leaving their families (I did kick him out but he left long before…lots of cheating). Thank you for your comment. We’re all in this together and we will all be ok. We’ll be great, actually. There’s no other choice.

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  2. IOM, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I don’t expect that pain to away (ever? anytime soon?), the emotional rollercoaster is our new normal. But! We are strong. You are strong. It is okay to suffer some days – feel those feelings. Let them come and take over you some days. I so closely know what you mean, your words are right out of my own shattered soul. You deserve better – even better than what that MAN of your dreams is that never really had. I am so sorry. Big hugs.

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    • I’m ok. Usually I’m amazingly strong. I have no choice. Our children deserve a stable home and breaking down isn’t an option, plus it’s not all that fun 😉. I have days here and there that are “unpleasant” (raging bitch days)! Overall I’m holding it together. We all are. I mean I’m not the one with problems. My only problem was him. I do miss the man I married but honestly, it’s almost like he died. Some days I morn the death of that guy and somedays I want “that” guy back
      But he doesn’t exist. Sorry for the first long reply. I guess I needed to spit it all out! Ha! Whatever it takes, right?!?
      Flexing my muscles now (haha) and moving on STRONG!
      You are strong too!
      We all deserve better. We will all get there :). Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. ” Maybe because what I thought was everything, he thought was nothing special” this is always what I wonder how did it seems so amazing and special to me and it meant nothing to them? they can just throw it away like a piece of trash with zero remorse? and their kids???? it just boggles the mind

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