My daughter is in the first grade and she sometimes has to use her vocabulary words to make pictures. She’ll curve her words around to make a petal for a flower or bend them to make a circle. I’ve been visualizing the wild range of my emotions surfacing, as one of those pictures. Letters forming words, swirling around a piece of paper, forming a tornado. An emotion tornado. The words, just like hers, bend and curve to twist around and around in dizzy circles. Anger spelled out in all CAPs and RED in color. Sadness of course is blue, Fear is small and in a barely visible light pink, purple is the word envy, and on and on.
This week I’ve felt such uncertainty when it comes to my healing. I’ve doubted my strength, I’ve question my parenting skills, and I’ve felt heartbroken once again from something my husband has done. I mean, really!?! I know this won’t last long as it has happened before. I can’t be stong constantly, it’s impossible. I just hope, over time, my cycling emotions will be more predictable and less severe. I really just want to be who I use to be and then, I’m afraid that person really doesn’t exist anymore. She may not. That’s a hard reality to swallow. I really miss who I use to be. I really miss how normal my life was before.
There are just so many things….