Lately I’ve noticed that a lot of people give me, what I like to call, “the feeling”. I meet new people or just pass people out shopping and I see it, something isn’t normal. Something is off. Something makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck and when I’m alone I keep my distance and when my children are with me, I pull them closer. I’m always on high alert. I’m not sure if I’m just more in tune to the truth or I’m just so suspicious of the evil,I experienced with my ex, in other people. I trust no one. I know you’re thinking, except your family, except your friends….but no, no one. I’m aware at any time, someone, anyone can stab me in the back, betray me, use me, or worse. I know these things can happen because they have, many times. Will I betray anyone, no, never. Well not on purpose for sure.
Recently, during the last couple of months, when I go out I get hit on. I don’t know what has changed. Something has obviously changed that screams, “I’m available!!!” I’m not sure what it is. It can’t just be that I’m not wearing my wedding rings. I haven’t had them on in over a year. It is something, but I’m not sure what. It of course, freaks me out. It isn’t usually by anyone I’d be interested in, but the couple of times I may have been, I run. One guy called me numerous times so I blocked his number. He icked me out. I mean who gave him my number. He was rather aggressive. Too aggressive scares me. My ex came on really strong when we met. He wanted to see me all the time, brought me flowers all the time, and just showed up wherever I was. It creeped me out too but he broke me down, until I surrendered.
Today someone snuck up behind me at the grocery store, touched my back as I was leaning over and said, “Don’t get that” when I was trying to decide if any of the “grocery store” sushi was edible. I turned around to smile at someone I obviously knew, this contact lingered and it had to be a friend, but it wasn’t. It was just some dude grinning from ear to ear. I politely smiled and walked away to finish my shopping and he trailed right behind me on every isle, all the way to the check out, where he checked out beside me. Creepy. He spoke again, commented on my purchases and smiled a lot. He gave me “the feeling” and luckily my checkout dude was new and slow and checked me out many minutes after he’d checked out. I felt like he was watching me in the parking lot but again, maybe I’m paranoid. This type of behavior from random men has been happening a lot lately. I haven’t changed anything. I don’t know why.
Hopefully it’s me and these people are normal but it still makes me nervous. Coming home alone, without my husband to protect me, makes me feel vulnerable. My husband made me feel safe before he went crazy. I don’t feel safe anymore. Ever. My neighborhood is nice. No crime but I still don’t feel safe. Maybe it’s because of my basement or the fact that I am the only adult here to protect myself and my children. I know a lot of it has to do with the abuse I suffered from my husband’s words and actions our last few years together. I know some of it has to do with the fact that I am a woman and men are physically stronger. However I’m sure I’d be pretty scrappy is someone threatened the safety of my children.
I just want to move forward and not marinate in the past and miss out on my future. I don’t want to live in fear. I’m ok to never let my guard down. I don’t ever want to.
I wonder if I’m missing out on opportunities with good guys or if I just need to trust my instincts. Right now I’ll trust them. I honestly should have always trusted my gut. I could’ve left before he hurt me as bad as he did, but the past, I can’t change, so I’ll just keep moving on until I reach my new normal.