The struggle

The extremes.  The love bombing.  The pushing away.  The pulling to.   Remembering.  Trying to forget.  The loving.  The hating.  


The relationship and the ending of it with a borderline man and the children you created who are now in the mix….I don’t know which direction to go.  The arrows point everywhere and nowhere at the same time.  I know I need to run but I have to have contact with him, we have children.  We aren’t fighting and I can’t keep up that constant conflict.  I am not a person that can always be mad UNLESS he does wrong by our children and he has before, just not now.  I fought him to protect them before, he is just on a good streak with them and I’m riding the wave now.  I know as soon as he disagrees with me, or a new love interest arrives, he’s gone, like they didn’t even exist.  How long will it last this time, I don’t know.  I know he doesn’t.  I don’t know what’s better, his coming and going in and out of their lives (and no, he doesn’t live with us) or if just going forever would be better.  I see their struggles.  I can’t control any of it.  I can just be the strong and steady wind that guides them and never leaves them.  Their constant.  

He is their storm. Sometimes he’s scary.  Sometimes he’s exciting but never is he constant.  Never is he predictable.  He’s only what he is and never what they dream him to be.  He is first to himself and never will they be.

They are first to me.

I love.

The struggle.


7 thoughts on “The struggle

  1. It is exhausting, isn’t it? I don’t have *him* love bombing me or trying to get me to reconsider but it still feels like every time I turn around he’s pulling yet another trick out of the hat.


    • He never says he wants back in he just “love bombs” by coming by, asking to help, hugging me, sneaking a quick kiss goodbye to me, as he’s giving the kids kisses goodbye (you know when I can’t say, “don’t do that!”it would upset our children). It just gets on my nerves.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s