I see it everywhere today; in the flats on their feet and their blank expressions. I see it in their clothes and their hair. I see it in their walk and the way they speak to others. I see it all over them because it use to be all over me. The control, the abusive words, the threats of physical harm, the warning that I would fail financially without him. I was lost and I didn’t know how to move forward so I tried to relax and be myself when he wasn’t around, but I couldn’t. He was like a murky sludge that seeped into my pores and made me heavy. I felt gray and now I know, I looked gray too. Physically I wasn’t dying but emotionally I was almost gone. My eyes were heavy and my hair was dry. My thoughts never stopped spinning and circling with fear about what he was going to do next; who would he be. I avoided my friends more than I ever had before and I missed family events because he was in a mood or it wasn’t important to him. I made excuses fluently like a new language that I excelled at. Except it didn’t make me feel proud. I felt empty, alone, and trapped. I wanted to spend more time with my friends and family and have fun, like I had envisioned my married life to be but instead I protected the people I love from his mood, his snide remarks and insults. I didn’t want him to hurt them. I only allowed him around them when he was on an up, a happy stage, and loving period, a charming time. It was the version of him I fell in love with and it is the him I still morn today, but he doesn’t exist. He isn’t real.
When we seperated the first time, I was heartbroken and alone but the second time I was alive and free. I was still lonely; I was still afraid but I felt lighter and I felt a rainbows worth of vibrant colors pulsating through my body. My hair was shiny, my smile was bigger, and I started remembering who I use to be.
None of this is easy and everyday I morn the family my children will never know. I miss, for them, the comfort of feeling safe and protected when daddy was home. This is what I felt growing up and I wish they had it too.
So women in the grocery store with your flat beige shoes on, put on a cuter shoe. He isn’t going to treat you worse if you’re taller. He’s still going to be mean. You can’t fix him. Ladies that don’t lift your heads when you talk or you mumble and talk so low, no one can hear what you say, stand tall, smile, and let the world hear you. You are interesting and beautiful and what you say is important! Girls, let’s get it together and be who we are and stop letting these bullies bring us down because they suck. Too bad, we don’t.
Love yourself and be alone. Alone is where you can hear your thoughts and find away back to who you use to be. Your beauty will shine alone.
Love to all of you out there hurting and afraid. Find your way out of the darkness. You can do it. He can’t control you if you don’t let him.