I love clouds. I love the shapes the colors. I love them at all times of the day. I think they’re just magical. Here’s the thing, I just remembered another part of myself that’s been lost in the madness of my marriage. I’ve missed myself. I love gazing in the sky and being amazed with this world we live in. How could I have let some person take those things away from me? How did I let someone make me sad, scared, and lost. I’m one more step out of this darkness. I don’t hate my ex, not even close. He treated me like I was nothing but that was his problem. I am someone, I am wonderfully someone, and I am someone wonderful. How often I’ve let someone else make me feel like I am not. Not anymore (well not for long if they do…patterns are hard to break 😉).
It is a running conversation in my home about jealousy. Kids are notoriously mean and usually the unkind behavior is based on jealousy. I mean let’s face it, kids are little assholes; well a lot of them. My daughter is not. She doesn’t have it in her. She is all heart. My son, however, has the asshole kid thing going on at times. I love them exactly the same, don’t read that incorrectly, he just wasn’t blessed with the wisdom my young daughter is gifted with. But enough of that, the point is, tons of kids don’t encourage each other, congratulate each other or get excited for each other’s achievements. No, they insult each other or tell each other they can do things better which equals jealousy. My daughter is a determined little monster and she was determined to be a bad ass pull-up princess. She can do about 10 pull-ups on a good day, 4-5 on an average day, when she hasn’t been practicing. She did this in her PE class and she beat everyone. Did her classmates tell her, “way to go!” No way. Actually one told her she was a bragger and it broke her down a bit, hince the constant conversation about jealously in our home. I even asked if she was bragging, you know, “I did more than you” kind of thing, but she didn’t. She just told someone, after they asked, how many she did. This is only one example. It’s discussed numerous times weekly. My son is a video game expert, beats everyone and he’s only 6 and doesn’t get to play often. His sister encourages him, congratulates him being so awesome, but the neighborhood kids won’t play with him because they don’t want to lose to the youngest kid on the street. I get it. No one likes to lose.
Kids and adults aren’t that different. Their MOs are. Jealous adults break others down, like my ex did to me. Like a lot of your spouses/significant others have done to you. I’m not sure why I allowed it so long. I mean they’re just little assholes like kids learning their way to navigate through this world. The difference is, lots of the kids realize that behavior isn’t appropriate or kind while these effers never did. Why the hell would someone want to break others down to make themselves feel better? They don’t feel better. I just know it. They just don’t want us to feel good. But you know what, they can suck it because I am happy! He didn’t steal that from me forever. It was just temporary and only because his words and actions were just so freaking heavy. They were like heavy slim that was constantly trying to push me down but I kept pushing through.
Now look at me! I’m looking at the clouds, going out on dates and not expecting anything from anyone but myself. Take me or leave me, your choice. I’ll still be here and happy.
Love and happiness to all of you,