Truth

I can’t breathe.  The air goes in and out but I’m not filled.  Life is being lived around me and it feels like everyone is rushing and I’m moving slow.  My limbs are heavy. My chest is cramped.  My eyes are burning.  My body aches.  My muscles tight.  Everything seems slow except my racing thoughts.  I don’t understand it.  Maybe I’ve been running so long.  Living on autopilot as my parents were dying.  Being on duty for every doctor, every nurse, every med.  Maybe I worked too hard to smile and be present for my children growing up fast before me.  Loving them through my pain.  Trying to feel the joy of their very exsisitence.  Every milestone.  Every smile.  Every tear.  Wanting them to have a normal family, loving home, and everything I wanted, but didn’t have.  Maybe I tried too hard, too long to hold on to me, my laughter, my joy, my energy, my wicked sense of humor even when my husband changed overnight, cheated repeatedly with nobodies, with trashy strippers and had a second secret home.  Maybe I held it in too hard when I thought I was letting it out.  Maybe I denied the hurt I felt as I watched my husband grieve the loss of his girlfriends like I was no one.  Like he was more important than any of us.  Maybe I held on to my anger too tight because I felt stronger in my hate than I did in my hurt.

Whatever it is, I’m not controlling it now and it’s rearing its head like an angry beast and swallowing me whole.  I sit at the pit of its stomach burning but trying to climb out, not knowing what I’m climbing into.  I don’t know what this is but I need it to be temporary.  I need it to go away.  It’s exhausting and scary and dark.  I miss my light.  

iom 

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22 thoughts on “Truth

  1. πŸ¦„πŸ¦„πŸ¦„ slaying the beast.
    Gluck <—–ok that made me giggle.
    I think I need to conquer my fears. Today I'm going to take it easy on myself. Exercise, breather and look at this from a different perspective. I'm not as sad as I am scared. I think that's what it is. I've never had some many problems to solve without my parents support. I may be mourning them and the fact that I really have to do everything alone is scary. Not going any further with that one today. Trying to settle my thoughts for the day.

    Do you have any advice?

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  2. Well…the first thing I would say is don’t look at ANYTHING as a big picture. Never. ‘Why am i not there’ etc. Everything is day by day when it comes to kind of repair that needs to happen. The medical stuff is a fucking emotional drain. And you have to be a rock for your kids and it can kill you. All the positive things you say about yourself?….its all you. None of that has changed. Youre just tired and wrung out…and God damn I’ve been there. Process is an awful word because theres never time enough for anything. But, again, this is just a few pages of your time here. I do recommend that whatever part of being angry that you cling to, that you let that flow in and OUT. As far as fear?….you’re your parents now. You’re in control of your reactions and actions. You’re the one your kids are going to say they feel lost without in the future. Keep that in mind. Everything comes back around.

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  3. You did what you had to do. It seemed like you were on autopilot because that’s what was necessary. We do things when we are sick, tired, hurt, devastated, numb and when we are in a zombie-like state. We do it because they have to be done. Often, it is a thankless job. Often, like you say….it seems like we are the only parent. We not only can’t fall apart…we’re not allowed to.
    It may seem futile to you right now, but someday, you will realize that you were the glue that held everything together. One day, it will be your turn to shine and be appreciated.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I feel a little better today but it is hard to be the one doing everything! It would be one thing if my kids were perfect and never needed anything to be fixed for them. When they’re struggling and you have to advocate for them all the time in every situation it wears on you. I’ve got one with ADHD and in 1st grade and I’m tackling all that and fighting off people who just want him medicated. Seriously people want to go to pills first. I’m like like try everything else first and leave that as the last resort.
      Sorry about babbling on about that. It’s one of things that is currently weighing on me. Not failing him.
      Thank you for your sweet words!

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      • I understand. I had four children and raised virtually alone. I used to apologize to them for being a crappy mama. They said “mom, you have no idea what a good mom you were.” I would then laugh and say “that’s because you don’t know what a good mama is.”
        You’re doing your best and even if you are feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated and insufficient….you will be amazed at the contributions your are making. The strength it takes to do what you are doing is commendable. Someday….you will realize it. πŸ™‚

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