How would it be if it wasn’t always just me?

Every time Im stressed I hear that damn song in my head, well unless I’m stressed because my kids are loud and crazy.  I hear, “I’m about to lose my mind up in here, up in here” when they’re loud and crazy.  Otherwise I hear, “Give me a break I sure deserve it.  It’s time I made it to the top”.   I don’t even think I watched that show much or what year that was but the song stuck and for a lifetime it seems!  Thanks Nell Carter for being a part of my internal soundtrack….gah.

 I shouldn’t complain that things didn’t go as I planned.  The hardest to let go of was the vision of how it would all pan out.  I still am not use to my babies going to their dad’s place overnight.  I still don’t know what to do with myself when they do.  I sometimes go out with friends but even when I do, I don’t really relax.  I mean their dad has been so fucking crazy the last few years.  Not mild crazy, full on sex addict, weird places, weird people, and the shit people tell me….throw up in my mouth, crazy.  It’s calmed down, of course, this last 6 months or so.  I worry about how he is with the kids but they seem ok.  I hate I have to research “how to ask questions to make sure your kids aren’t being molested ” way too often and I hate that I have to ask such questions, but I do.  So far I think they are ok.  So far he hasn’t crossed that line but I’m paralyzed in the thoughts that he will.  People, therapist, doctors, my own research has said that sex addicts don’t start molesting children, but that doesn’t make sense to me.  What would stop them from crossing that line?  They’ve crossed so many others.  I can’t keep them from him because of a fear.  I know that, but I can teach them what isn’t ok (with anyone, I never specifically say him), that as a family we don’t keep secrets.  No secrets, not anyone’s, not for any reason.  I also tell them that they can tell me anything and I am always on their side, no matter what.  

Tonight I’m just not settled. I’ve got tons to do but I have no motivation.  I could go hang out with friends but sometimes I drowned in their normal lives.  I tire of talking about mine.  I am lonely but I don’t really want to date.  It’s hard meeting people.  I don’t trust men who say they’re  single.  I know, my problem.  I even signed on a dating website (no name/no picture) just to see who was posting in my area.  To see is anyone looked interesting.  It seems so plastic.  I’d like a more organic process.  Online dating makes my skin crawl a little.  It may be the easiest way but I’m not ready for it yet.  Baby steps.  I scrolled through the men and some of the pictures are quite comical.  I mean, why?!?  Maybe I’m too critical but some of the pictures were just crazy.  Even the simplest crazy was obviously cutting their ex out of the picture but her hair was still visible.  Seriously, there weren’t any other pictures!!!  Then of course my ex was on there, trying to sound funny and witty and posting his income, which he always tries to scale down when he’s telling me why he hasn’t paid me in full.  Of course I call him out on it, he ignores me.  He isn’t that witty and he’s certainly not funny.  He has too much baggage now.  You can see it all over him.  I hate him sometimes, maybe a lot. 

My house is too quite without them.  Their love is so big and they dread going to his place overnight.  There’s nothing to do.  I think they count the hours like I do…only one sleep.  Tomorrow they’ll be safe in my arms again. For now I will try to distract myself.  Try to motivate myself.  Exercise.  I’ll be up all night I’m sure.  My motivation always hits at about midnight.  Freaking night owl!  Killin’ me!

Who who

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3 thoughts on “How would it be if it wasn’t always just me?

  1. Has he ever given you a reason to suspect that he might harm your children? I know nothing about sexual addiction…just betrayal.
    You can always take him to court. You can have his financial records subpoenaed. Copy and paste his dating site “salary” and give it to your attorney.
    I feel so bad for you. It must be horrible, having to send your children to be with somebody you don’t trust to do the right thing with them. Just be vigilant with signs and symptoms. You know your children and you should be able to detect even the slightest variation in their behavior.

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    • He hasn’t, not really. Just the “over the top” sexual stuff is just so bizarre and foreign to me. I don’t know if he’s really getting better or just better at covering it up. I feel better that my children have each other. I’m just on high alert all the time. I don’t want to miss anything but I pray that he’d never cross that line. I have no choice than to talk to them and tell them what’s ok and not. It’s probably smart to do anyway with all children. If I thought anything EVER happened I’d report it.
      I’ve already taken a screen shot of his dating “salary” for that exact reason. I’m holding it for when I’m ready to tackle the rest in court. He had to sign that if he was hiding money and not reporting it that I get 90% and he gets 10%. Not that that has anything to do with his salary but he better watch his steps. I’ve never had a problem discovering things he is hiding.
      Thank you for your sweet words. It is just tough not being able to relax when they’re with him. I’m never going to be able to. I pray that he gets it together before they’re teenagers because that’s where he’s going to cross the line for sure if he hasn’t fixed his problem. There’s no way he’s not going to hit on my daughters teenage friends, if he doesn’t. I can’t believe he’s that gross guy that we all knew growing up. The random dad that always seemed like a pervert. Yuck!

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      • I remember telling my children that if anybody touched them in a way that made them feel uncomfortable, to let me know….even if it was me. You know, children…especially sons, don’t like PDA after a certain age, so if I kissed him on the cheek and it made him uncomfortable…he was to tell me.
        My ex hid money from me (I’m sure) but it’s too late now. After all, he was supporting his tramp and needed to make sure he had enough money for that.
        A father hitting on his childrens’ friends is just….yuk. I know it happens but hopefully your children will be observant.
        Do they (your children) have any feelings of protection for their father? You don’t know what he tells them when you aren’t there. I know my GROWN children were turned against me by their daddy and his tramp.
        You just never know.

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