Every time Im stressed I hear that damn song in my head, well unless I’m stressed because my kids are loud and crazy. I hear, “I’m about to lose my mind up in here, up in here” when they’re loud and crazy. Otherwise I hear, “Give me a break I sure deserve it. It’s time I made it to the top”. I don’t even think I watched that show much or what year that was but the song stuck and for a lifetime it seems! Thanks Nell Carter for being a part of my internal soundtrack….gah.
I shouldn’t complain that things didn’t go as I planned. The hardest to let go of was the vision of how it would all pan out. I still am not use to my babies going to their dad’s place overnight. I still don’t know what to do with myself when they do. I sometimes go out with friends but even when I do, I don’t really relax. I mean their dad has been so fucking crazy the last few years. Not mild crazy, full on sex addict, weird places, weird people, and the shit people tell me….throw up in my mouth, crazy. It’s calmed down, of course, this last 6 months or so. I worry about how he is with the kids but they seem ok. I hate I have to research “how to ask questions to make sure your kids aren’t being molested ” way too often and I hate that I have to ask such questions, but I do. So far I think they are ok. So far he hasn’t crossed that line but I’m paralyzed in the thoughts that he will. People, therapist, doctors, my own research has said that sex addicts don’t start molesting children, but that doesn’t make sense to me. What would stop them from crossing that line? They’ve crossed so many others. I can’t keep them from him because of a fear. I know that, but I can teach them what isn’t ok (with anyone, I never specifically say him), that as a family we don’t keep secrets. No secrets, not anyone’s, not for any reason. I also tell them that they can tell me anything and I am always on their side, no matter what.
Tonight I’m just not settled. I’ve got tons to do but I have no motivation. I could go hang out with friends but sometimes I drowned in their normal lives. I tire of talking about mine. I am lonely but I don’t really want to date. It’s hard meeting people. I don’t trust men who say they’re single. I know, my problem. I even signed on a dating website (no name/no picture) just to see who was posting in my area. To see is anyone looked interesting. It seems so plastic. I’d like a more organic process. Online dating makes my skin crawl a little. It may be the easiest way but I’m not ready for it yet. Baby steps. I scrolled through the men and some of the pictures are quite comical. I mean, why?!? Maybe I’m too critical but some of the pictures were just crazy. Even the simplest crazy was obviously cutting their ex out of the picture but her hair was still visible. Seriously, there weren’t any other pictures!!! Then of course my ex was on there, trying to sound funny and witty and posting his income, which he always tries to scale down when he’s telling me why he hasn’t paid me in full. Of course I call him out on it, he ignores me. He isn’t that witty and he’s certainly not funny. He has too much baggage now. You can see it all over him. I hate him sometimes, maybe a lot.
My house is too quite without them. Their love is so big and they dread going to his place overnight. There’s nothing to do. I think they count the hours like I do…only one sleep. Tomorrow they’ll be safe in my arms again. For now I will try to distract myself. Try to motivate myself. Exercise. I’ll be up all night I’m sure. My motivation always hits at about midnight. Freaking night owl! Killin’ me!