Recently, after having my 6 year old son tested for ADHD, I feel like I’ve had an awakening. I’m cleansing. Attempting to clean out old wounds from my past struggles and disappointments. I realize many people don’t understand attention deficit disorder or even believe it’s a real brain disorder, but it is and although it has cause me lots of frustrations and problems, it has given me lots of gifts too. My son has the hyperactive form of the disorder, which causes him lots of trouble but I do not. I mean I’ve been known to be off the wall crazy energetic at times. I mean don’t take me to see a good band because I’m hyper focused on the music, the movement, the instruments, the band and I will be right in front of them, by myself, before the 3rd song and without a ticket that allowed me that close. Music speaks to me, what can I say. I love to watch the band communicate with each other with looks, licks of their guitars or emotions radiating off their bodies. I’m not sure if anyone else sees this but my gift and disorder allows me too.
Another gift this disorder has given me is being creative. One thing I do to create is paint. Sometimes I can roll out 5 painting in a night because something inspires me. The picture before I got the nerve to put my actual face in my wordpress circle was actually a painting I thought of and painted in less than 30 minutes. The paint was dry an hour after I started. It is not that it’s that fantastic but I say that about everything I paint. No piece is ever really finished or ever really great. It is a gift though and one that has always shined above my deficit. One thing I was always picked for and one thing that never left me feeling less than, even when some of my artistic peers talents shone brighter than mine. We are a group of supportive folks, proud of each other.
Now I’ll enter into the dark side of this disorder. My son tested with a high IQ. In the margin between the gifted area and extremely gifted area. I also tested this way although I think his numbers are a point or two higher than where mine were. He tested as a six year old and I tested as a 20 year old so there are differences but I’m sure it all comes from the same place. These numbers are just numbers because what comes next is the struggle. It’s like knowing what you are and knowing if you could just figure it out you can do great things but the obstacles are so distracting and there are things that constantly knock you down every step that you tread. You feel you are constantly working at full capacity, harder than everyone you know but they breeze though it all and your exhausted from the climb. Simple organization is foreign to you and to stop to organize a sentence, paragraph, or finish an assignment is nearly impossible. You lose your story if you slow down to do it right and then the ending never comes. Everything is incomplete, disorganized, and disappointing. The only thing that keeps you up is knowing what’s inside you, even when no one see it but you.
This is how I’ve spent my entire life. I’m not going to lie and say I made it to where I wanted to be regardless but I didn’t. I have emotional scars from it that I’m still trying to climb out of. My self esteem suffers from this and even though I know who I am, any blow or any insult or assumed insult makes me doubt myself. It’s a constant climb but one I’m never going to stop pushing up because I’ve yet to reach the summit. I know I will. I may reach it by helping my son achieve his dreams because I understand the struggle. I have more experience and insight on how to manage and that being perfect sometimes is very overrated. Perfection is only achieved on the things were most passionate about anyway. The rest is just waste. Having ADD/ADHD taps all your energy resources dry. It often takes all of me over to get most things accomplished start to finish.
Empathy is the final gift I’ll mention here. There are many positives I have that stem from this disorder and those are what I like to focus on. Empathy is something a have to a fault. I love emotions. I feed of emotions and I feel everyone’s emotions around me. I understand people’s pain, happiness, fear, sadness. It seeps into me like I’m one with it. It always has. I’m drawn to people because of this and I’ve learned through experience and time that I have to keep a distance at times too. I get too absorbed in emotions around me, in my space, and life. It can overtake me but I still think of it as a blessing. I think everyone should be like me in that aspect.
As always, I don’t think this is done…but my thoughts are making me dizzy and I have to end it here. I do think I’m finding growth at this stage of my life and I do think I will do great things. I’m happy about that.