Tread lightly.  Missing my Daddy.

I’m all over the place…ugh.  Life and it’s ups and downs, ebbs and flows. Giving myself a break is not something I do easily. I just hate letting people down.  Especially people I love.  Or worse not knowing whether I did or not.  Life, I’m taking you back.  Stop messing with me 💪🏻 😡.  Happiness you’re mine…give it up 🦄💫🎯🎟🛎.  Baggage put your own self on mfing ✈️ and fly far, far away…sucka!  I want to go to a secret place and explore…happy place❤️️.  Silly. Drop a pin and just go. 

I miss my daddy.  I miss his wisdom, his strength, and his constant, unwaivering love for me.  I miss his guidance and his hugs.  I just miss my daddy.  3 years.  Seems like yesterday.  Damnit three times, daddy.  Damnit three times.  

I was a lucky little girl.  Never ending piggy back rides, lessons in how to repair anything, insistence to teach me how to do anything without needing a man to do it, even though I may want one to.  I forgive you for making me rotate my own tires.  I see where it was a valuable lesson…however my charm has always found another way of getting it done.  Flats too.  I’m sure you hated that.  You made me strong, taught me well, and even though you called me stubborn, you had to know I learned from the best.  3 years is too long to live this life without you.  I know you’re watching over us but sometimes I wish you could tell me what to do.  Maybe you are guiding me.  I hope so.   L is still talking about you asking about her tutus and B still loves the story of him driving the golf cart into the back of your truck.  He was 3 then, imagine him now!  Yes, payback is hell.  Jokes on me. 


❤️️Ebba

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12 thoughts on “Tread lightly.  Missing my Daddy.

    • Thank you. The quicker the better. I’ve been one of those incredibly annoying people who puts up their Christmas tree before Thanksgiving, the last few years just to pretend like it’s December. I love December. It’s magical and fun and full of joy. Plus I love singing Christmas songs. Maybe I should start decorating 🙂🙂🙂.

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  1. As long as you remember him, he will never be forgotten. Tell your children all the wonderful things you remember about him. That is his legacy and he will live on through you and them. Our legacies are really the only thing that matter after we leave. Money is tangible. Lessons about life and a wonderful childhood can never be bought.

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    • He and my mom are always alive in me. Thank you for your sweet words. You are so right. All of it. I should have had them longer, I am really to young for both of them to already be gone but some people don’t even get anything even close to what I had. I always feel lucky for that. Focusing on how lucky I was instead of how unlucky. However, I have my moments. I share that poem every year he’s gone. I wrote it and it was read at his service. It means a lot to me to share it and put out there in the world, what he meant to me.

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  2. They say grieving comes in waves. When you miss him he must be close by. Do you ever light candles? I often.. especially when I’m sad and crave wisdom from ones I have lost will light a candle and invite them to come visit me in my dreams. It brings me comfort and often I get vivid dreams. Anyways I Hope you are feeling better today. I know you don’t get breaks but try to catch mini ones. Even 10 minutes of shutting everything off can make all the difference.

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    • Yes all the waves and I try to accept them all. I don’t usually light candles for that reason. Is that something you do as part of your religion? Just curious. I do think that is beautiful, but just not something I’ve ever done. I may try it. I am strong in my faith, which my parents helped me form but it’s always been in me. I know he and my mom are around me often, guiding me. As time passes I become afraid I’m missing the clues, becoming disconnected from it and I think in those spaces, I grieve the most. My mom died first, she suffered and it was easier to let her go because I didn’t want her to hurt a second longer. Although the second she was gone the pain and emptiness was overwhelming…like you’re moving through spaces weighted. It’s hard to explain. If you’ve lost a parent I’m sure you get it. My dad however was harder to let go. He was stronger. He lived through things that no doctor had ever seen. He proved people wrong time after time after time. A fighter. A superhero. My protector. He was 1,000 feet tall even when were eye to eye. His kidneys failed him and my brothers and I had to make the decision to stop his dialysis. Hardest decision of my life…his blood was already poisoned and he couldn’t make the decision on his own. Being by his side the 9 days after I’d never change. You’re there for the people you love, even in the painful moments. He cried out to me, not my brothers, just me in fear as his poisoned blood made him have hallucinations. Awful.
      Sorry, I guess I needed to spit all that out. That memory I’d erase if I could. He’d be angry with me if he knew I spent more than a few minutes grieving him. He said, “I’ve lived my life so go live yours and don’t spend a second grieving me.” He’d tell me to be happy.
      So that’s what I’m focusing on today and for he rest of the month.
      Then jingle bells 🙂😉😊 🌲!
      Thank you for your sweet words.

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      • I am so glad you let that out. I feel a story coming on…..but I am with my kids. For now…the candles thing is just an instinctive thing. I am actually not very religious but very, very spiritual. I love all of the religions for the depth of them and the wisdom they offer.
        Your dad sounds amazing and I am sorry you lossed both your mom and dad – mine are still with me so in that way I am not able to genuinely say I know.
        But I know a couple of things…for later. 🙂

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      • The other thing I wanted to say is that yes live your life to the fullest but also take your moments like you did in this post AND please yes express it. My uncle died at the age of 14 from a bat bite (rabies). Bizarre…I know. But the family left behind my dad and his two brothers plus my Grandpa and Grandma followed my Grandpas lead which was to push on and live on. They never talked about it until my grandpa was in the hospital, on his death bed and the preist came to listen to him. For the first time EVER he told the story to a room full of strangers and to the priest and of course he wept. My grandma wept too and after that the flood gates opened. Do not hold it in……I am so glad you told your story. I have seen the suppression of feelings all the way around when people hold these stories in. My dad, his brothers, my grandpa and grandma were very unemotional by the act of wearing that kind of armour. Let yourself be free….only one life to live.

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        • I don’t know how I missed this earlier! You are so right! I think that’s how people were taught to deal, back then. I think a combination of the two works the best. Grieve as long as it takes, be vocal about it and push through as well. You have to keep moving forward for sure. I think depression comes into play when you push it away to far or let it out and live in it and nothing else constantly. Happy medium.

          Bats freak me out! However I did come in contact with a rabbit cat once and had to get rabies vaccines or whatever it was for 6 weeks. Crazy!

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