I hate the title of betrayed spouse but it’s my title as well as many others. Strangely it’s been over a year and 1/2 and there are still people that don’t know, ask about him about our family, and I have to tell them….we aren’t together anymore. It’s the simplest thing to say but I still hate saying it because of the looks I see afterwards. Pity. That’s a sticky look that I want off me. So I smile and comfort them. Give a touch, a pat on the arm, a squeeze of a their hand, to give a nonverbal “I’m ok”. I am fine. I’m over it, believe me I am so over it but I don’t want to say that, it sounds rude and I don’t want to speak of our marriage as those last defining moments. I want to honor all the moments before, I want to honor the family I had before. Even if all of it was fake, it wasn’t for me. So I try hard not to do that. To not say I’m fine and he was an abusive, cheating, lying bastard and we’re lucky that he’s gone. We’re not lucky that our family isn’t whole but we are lucky that we don’t live in his black cloud of chaos. Even if he stole things from us.
He stole the chance for our children to feel the safety of knowing their father is always there to protect them. They don’t feel that, they’re not even sure they feel unconditional love. They have ever right not to. He is not a father to them, like my father was to me. That to me is sad. They don’t know any difference. This is their reality and I’m sad for them not to know a mother and father who love each other. This is what they needed to know how to love someone later. I’ll try to tell them stories of love but they don’t see the reality. They love the attention they get from the great male influences in their lives. Their coaches, their friends dads and their uncles. They all know, make an extra effort to show my children love. Give them atta boys and atta girls. Fill the void from where their dad struggles. I’ll always hope for him to love being a father again. He is better, but still not the same. I’ll never believe there’s no chance of it. There is always hope in that. Our children are pretty awesome. We’re lucky.
It is much easier to talk about what they lost because what I lost, is so personal. As positive as I am, I see the silver linings, I believe tomorrow will bring a brighter day and I know I will be happy for the rest of my life, I just don’t believe I will ever be able to trust another person I love. Ever. I will never believe that that kind of love will ever exist for me. I will convince myself that surrendering to someone else fully will be careless. I will remind myself that doing that before put me in danger and that I have no space to be crushed anymore….so I won’t trust and that will be my shield. That’s what he took from me. The trust I easily gave. The innocence in that. The openness. That’s what he took. And that was a huge piece of me. I miss that fun loving girl. Always smiling, living, and loving my life. Never doubting it was forever. I’m still the same, always smiling, living and loving….I just know nothing is forever. Never expect truth…taking it as it comes.
Live in the moments. Trust no one.