I hate the title of  betrayed spouse but it’s my title as well as many others.  Strangely it’s been over a year and 1/2 and there are still people that don’t know, ask about him about our family, and I have to tell them….we aren’t together anymore.  It’s the simplest thing to say but I still hate saying it because of the looks I see afterwards.  Pity.  That’s a sticky look that I want off me.  So I smile and comfort them.  Give a touch, a pat on the arm, a squeeze of a their hand, to give a nonverbal “I’m ok”.   I am fine.  I’m over it, believe me I am so over it but I don’t want to say that, it sounds rude and I don’t want to speak of our marriage as those last defining moments.  I want to honor all the moments before, I want to honor the family I had before. Even if all of it was fake, it wasn’t for me.  So I try hard not to do that.  To not say I’m fine and he was an abusive, cheating, lying bastard and we’re lucky that he’s gone.  We’re not lucky that our family isn’t whole but we are lucky that we don’t live in his black cloud of chaos.  Even if he stole things from us. 

He stole the chance for our children to feel the safety of knowing their father is always there to protect them.  They don’t feel that, they’re not even sure they feel unconditional love.  They have ever right not to.  He is not a father to them, like my father was to me.  That to me is sad.  They don’t know any difference.  This is their reality and I’m sad for them not to know a mother and father who love each other.  This is what they needed to know how to love someone later.  I’ll try to tell them stories of love but they don’t see the reality.  They love the attention they get from the great male influences in their lives.  Their coaches, their friends dads and their uncles.  They all know, make an extra effort to show my children love.  Give them atta boys and atta girls.  Fill the void from where their dad struggles.  I’ll always hope for him to love being a father again.  He is better, but still not the same.  I’ll never believe there’s no chance of it.  There is always hope in that.  Our children are pretty awesome.  We’re lucky.

It is much easier to talk about what they lost because what I lost, is so personal.  As positive as I am, I see the silver linings, I believe tomorrow will bring a brighter day and I know I will be happy for the rest of my life, I just don’t believe I will ever be able to trust another person I love.  Ever.  I will never believe that that kind of love will ever exist for me.  I will convince myself that surrendering to someone else fully will be careless.  I will remind myself that doing that before put me in danger and that I have no space to be crushed anymore….so I won’t trust and that will be my shield.  That’s what he took from me.  The trust I easily gave.  The innocence in that.  The openness.  That’s what he took.  And that was a huge piece of me.  I miss that fun loving girl.  Always smiling, living, and loving my life.  Never doubting it was forever.  I’m still the same, always smiling, living and loving….I just know nothing is forever.   Never expect truth…taking it as it comes.

 Live in the moments. Trust no one.  




23 thoughts on “Trust

      • I’m not setting it low! That part was a joke. A low bar is only good when you doing the limbo and you’re the only one with a flexible spine….so I’m always hopeful ๐Ÿ˜ฎbut guarded ๐Ÿ˜ฆ. Liars are mean๐Ÿ˜ก.


        Just moving away from being so serious….sometimes I’m all like blah, blah, blah…liars, trust, whoa is not me…you know.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. The first time somebody “regretfully” expressed their sorrow at our split….I hadn’t even thought about divorce yet. (He was telling people that “we didn’t make it” so he didn’t have to justify why he was parading a tramp around all over town.) LOL It’s funny…you get the looks that need comfort when you tell them you aren’t together anymore and I get “it’s about time you got rid of that LOSER!” LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t think I’m that pessimistic. Maybe yet. I just think the woman I was with didn’t deserve what I had to give. It will take a lot for me to give my heart to someone again, but I don’t assume it’s an impossibility. Maybe it’s the romantic in me.


    • It sounds like she’s working some things out within herself, you’re just getting caught in the crossfire. Marriage is hard and if both people aren’t working towards the same goal, it will never works. That always sucks for the person who was working…which it seems was he two of us. I think this will all look much different the further we move away from it. Years.

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  3. Pingback: Trust โ€” If only mommy | Take Me Home Country Roads Forever

  4. I went through a terrible health issue last winter with my wife.One day I was talking to her cardiac surgeon about a number of issues. One was the types of people that were in my life. He said if there are negative people in my life they needed to go yesterday.As this has dragged on people we had know for years simply left. Oh well life goes on!

    Liked by 2 people

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