DAMAGED. I really despise that word. Maybe because it describes me, maybe because it’s described me for a long time. Maybe because it’s true. Like the items discounted at a store because of dents, chips, and imperfections. I am worth less because I have emotional scars from my past that will affect any new relationship I may have. These are the things that hold me back and make me feel comfortable being alone. Hiding. I don’t want to be alone but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being treated the way I was before. I’m afraid of being used and lied to. I’m afraid I’ll except less than I really deserve because I’m damaged.
November was a hard month for me, as usual. I almost made it through, without issues, until the very end. Then, it was too much and I lost control…briefly. I posted two depressing, woe is me, pathetic post late one night. One was about me being alone and the other was about a friend I lost when I was a child. I deleted both because I know my patterns and I was beginning to stack my mental lists of negatives. I do this sometimes before I sink. Before I lose myself for a while. Before I retract into myself to protect and disconnect from the world. I don’t want to do that. I caught myself and I deleted them. I mentally knocked the list down and since then I’ve been trying to mentally build my good list. All the wonderful things that have happened to me. I struggle at times (don’t we all) but I’m still slowly stacking that good list. I’ll get there. I always do. This is how I survive. I taught myself this years ago.
I’ve decided to start focusing on my positive memories not my negative ones. I decided to look forward to my future and all the wonderful things it has in store. This life, my life, is a beautiful one. I refuse to look at it any other way.