DAMAGED.   I really despise that word.  Maybe because it describes me, maybe because it’s described me for a long time. Maybe because it’s true.  Like the items discounted at a store because of dents, chips, and imperfections.  I am worth less because I have emotional scars from my past that will affect any new relationship I may have.  These are the things that hold me back and make me feel comfortable being alone.  Hiding.  I don’t want to be alone but I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of being treated the way I was before. I’m afraid of being used and lied to.  I’m afraid I’ll except less than I really deserve because I’m damaged.  

November was a hard month for me, as usual.  I almost made it through, without issues, until the very end.  Then, it was too much and I lost control…briefly.    I posted two depressing, woe is me, pathetic post late one night.  One was about me being alone and the other was about a friend I lost when I was a child.  I deleted both because I know my patterns and I was beginning to stack my mental lists of negatives.  I do this sometimes before I sink.  Before I lose myself for a while.  Before I retract into myself to protect and disconnect from the world.  I don’t want to do that.  I caught myself and I deleted them.  I mentally knocked the list down and since then I’ve been trying to mentally build my good list.  All the wonderful things that have happened to me.  I struggle at times (don’t we all) but I’m still slowly stacking that good list.  I’ll get there.  I always do.  This is how I survive.  I taught myself this years ago.

I’ve decided to start focusing on my positive memories not my negative ones. I decided to look forward to my future and all the wonderful things it has in store.  This life, my life, is a beautiful one.  I refuse to look at it any other way. 


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