Why do people sell your roll in their lives as a negative one, when you know it was anything but? They paint pictures of you as a negative, bothersome, emotion draining, pion. Why is it it important to leave key details out to align a pack of defenders? Is it human nature? I don’t know but I do know it’s not sustainable if you’re only sharing part of the truth.
My ex tried this for a long time. He painted me as every possible terrible thing you could think of, to anyone who would listen. At the beginning I’d try to defend myself. Prove why it wasn’t true. I’d even question if it was, knowing deep down it wasn’t. I’m never afraid to self reflect to see if I’m missing something or to admit I’ve been wrong. This wasn’t the case. I am all the things I’ve ever been. All those things are good and kind. Only once have I tried to hurt anyone for my own pleasure and it was to the woman who barged into my marriage, knowing what she was doing. I don’t regret that one. Otherwise, it just isn’t possible. I never hurt people I care about, purposefully. Over time I learned just to let him spout out whatever it was that made him feel better, knowing overtime it would just end. Who he is isn’t something he can cover up and who I am isn’t something he can just choose to tarnish. I’ve recently heard that he sings my praises. Telling truthful things about who I am, how I was as a wife and mother and how he really messed up. I’m sure this helps him out too because it makes him look humble. The other way just made him look like a crazed liar. Regardless, it all worked itself out, to a point.
As an adult I’ve healed some friendship that went astray due to highschool drama or boyfriend drama in college. All those things were laughed about, hugged out, and moved past. Good friendships can pick right back up from where they left off without much work. That’s love and connection and everyone has it with special people in their lives. These friendships are cherished. I become their go to person, their safe place where secrets are held, judgement doesn’t exist and help is given. I’m proud of this part of me. It isn’t hard work it’s just how I’m made. I always knew it about myself but I see it even more because my daughter is exactly like me and those traits shine in her and I know they have in me all along as well. This is a place in me that I will never deny, not ever, not because some people just don’t get it. Don’t trust it.
In this life no matter how I present myself or who I try to be to others, sometimes it is going to be misunderstood. I get that. I can talk myself in a thousand circles and still not be heard correctly. I get that. What I’ll never get is when someone paints a picture of you only using part of the information, purposely omitting things. That I don’t understand. How can you understand a problem when you leave your part out of it. Maybe I leave some of my parts out too. Maybe I’m blind to this, but I honestly try not to. I honestly don’t think I do. I will never paint a picture of anyone only using the negative information I pick and choose and how that chosen information affected me. I will never build a wall of supporters around me and against you based on half truths. No matter what my history, my baggage, or any of my flaws. I will try my best to think of anyone who’s been special to me in the best ways I think of them. I expect the same. This sounds easy enough.
Painting pictures should bring life to and color people, positively. It should never be an attempt to dim someone’s light. I will color everyone in beautiful expressive colors because every connection, for however long, is a gift. The short ones, the long ones, the forever ones. Shit, I’ll even paint my ex happily. I don’t want to think of him only as the horrific things he’s done. He is and will always be my children’s father and once I loved him very much with all that I had. There’s some reason for that. Those times were sweet. Like the kisses he use to give me on my forehead, when I was still asleep when he left…soft, comforting, pastels for sure.