Feeling safe is important to me. Feeling comfortable and safe in my home and neighborhood is important. Much more now since I’m a single mom. I’ve never really loved living alone and there was a time I worried about being the only adult around to physically protect my children. I had to convince myself that I can take on much more than I think I can. I would do whatever it takes to protect them, even in this body and just being a woman. I have always reacted well in emergencies. I always take change without hesitation and I told myself that anything that could happen I would do the same. I would burst into action, without thought. I learned to trust this and to give into knowing that I can’t control anything. So why worry about things I can’t control. Being cautious and safe is all I can do.
I also make sure that people I love know they’re safe with me. I always tell my children, I’m on your team, no matter what. That even if they’ve made a mistake I’m always on their side and we can figure out how to fix whatever it is. They’re safe with me. I also tried my best to help my ailing parents feel safe when they felt so out of control and weak with their bodies failing. My dad near the end, was hallucinating and scared, as his kidneys stopped working and his blood turned into poison, and he cried out for me. I sat with him, held his hand and told him he was safe, that I was there and I’ve got him. I started singing you are my sunshine over and over and over again until he stopped feeling so scared. I made him feel safe being there, loving him. Safety is important.
Being safe means another thing to me too. It means feeling safe with another, to fully be myself. To know and trust that when I choose to allow someone in, that they won’t hurt me. This is riskier for me because the reality is, no one can make those promises. Too many factors play into promises like that. I’ve let my guard down only for it to be misunderstood and I tore down walls to let in confusion. I need to want and expect more for myself. Never be ok with crumbs. I disrespected myself I think. Words don’t mean much without actions. Words are just words. Anyone can say anything. Words aren’t always safe.
Feeling safe is as important to adults as it is to children. I remember how feeling protected and safe was everything to me. It meant it was ok to be. One day I want to feel safe enough to be again. Until then I’ll focus on me. Safe with trusting myself. I’ll ‘climb to safety’ on my own.