What is it that I want? Am I so unhappy with what I have? No. No, I’m not. I’m happy, I’m just not at peace. There are too many unknowns and even though I know I can’t worry about things so far away, I still do. I still worry that I can do this alone and succeed. I always feel like I’m failing at something. Failing my daughter because my son needs so much. Failing my son because I can’t figure him out. Failing myself because I never consider myself…always putting everyone’s needs above my own. I know I shouldn’t but it’s just the way I’m made. It’s never been easy to consider myself. I have to force myself to do it because everyone always tells me I have to take care of myself and do things for me to be the best I can be for my children. I don’t understand how.
I just returned from my vacation yesterday and I hated coming back. This reality is going to get worse before it gets better and I’m not ready. I’m not sure I will ever be. I hate feeling scared but I’ll make it, I know I will. I just don’t know how yet.
I just wish I could have more time to live in a different reality…I just want to live in peace. To find love and to trust anyone ever again. I can’t figure that one out. I just want one more second out of this reality. This one is too stressful at times.
One of the last peaceful moments before returning to reality. I’ve got to remember to breathe. This next year I’ve got to find my way.