Oh how I love Christmas. This year has been a little difficult to get all jolly about but it’s still happening. I love to see the excitement in my children’s eyes as they come downstairs Christmas morning. What use to happen, when my family was still together, was my husband would come downstairs first, while I was at the top of the steps, not letting the kids come down until he started recording. It’s been years since that happened and these are the years those videos would have been great. I just haven’t wanted to see the tension.
Every picture I have from the past that marks the beginning of the end, reminds me of what was going on with my husband and not the actual event that was happening. The holidays, birthdays, or any vacation, all I remember is the feelings I had of disappointment and heartbreak I felt as he started being who he really was. My daughters 4th birthday, a princess party at the farm with horses and carriages, only remind me of finding evidence on our phone bill of him texting the first girl I found out about during the party. He called her before and after and went to see her the next day, on our daughters actual birthday. He spent her entire birthday with his mistress while our little girl cried for him at home. It was a rainy day. It’s ingrained into my memory.
On the last Christmas he lived here he got dressed in a T-Shirt he bought on a trip with the mistress. How insulting. Let’s just say he never saw that t-shirt ever again after taking it off that night. It’s in some landfill among the other trash.
Every holiday since the first d-day everything has revolved around his bs and this year, I’m sure it will too. Last Christmas after coming over and enjoying Christmas morning with our children, he left to change clothes and I went to his apartment after he ignored my calls and texts, to see if he was alive. He was there hiding his stripper girlfriend from the kids and I. That didn’t end well. Bad memories. This year he can just leave…I won’t check. Last year he was all crazy emotional and I thought he might hurt himself. It was all an act…he doesn’t feel those things.
My daughter called her daddy before bed tonight, because he forgot to call them…again, and when she was getting off the phone with him she said, “Daddy, will you call me tomorrow?” He said Sure, why are you asking? She said, “because sometimes you say you’ll call and you don’t.” To which he replied, “Sometimes you say you’ll call and you don’t either.” SERIOUSLY WHO’S THE ADULT HERE!!! She’s 8!!! He’s such a freakin child! This is how he addresses any criticism. He accuses you right back instead of simply saying, I’m sorry. I made a mistake. I’ll try to do better and I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. He can’t say this because he’s not sorry. He’s mad that he’s been accused of something wrong. Our poor children.
So Santa has finally stopped shopping. Hopefully there’s enough to be magical! 1/2 is wrapped, 1/2 is not. That’s how I like to do it. My ex will get to breeze in that morning and enjoy it all even though he’s done nothing. Purchased not one thing. Why did I agree to this?!?! I guess I love my children more than all the negative feelings I feel towards him. They’re only little for a little while longer. I can do this 🙄. I sure hope I can.