The day is winding down and this Christmas is almost over. I think it was successful. The kids are wiped out, exhausted, and all tucked in their beds. They were happy with their gifts. Tomorrow will still be full of fun exploring everything.
The kid’s father was around a lot of the day and I still took them to my (ex) in-laws. They’re still my family…they’ll always be. It was a rather normal yet odd day. After all the things my ex did to me. After all the ways he mistreated and betrayed me, I can still be in the room with him, celebrate holidays, special vacations, and special occasions with him. I’m not sure how. It’s honestly bizarre. It does make me miss him when I’ve been around him and he acts like the man I fell in love with, married and started a family with but he’s also that awful, abusive, disrespectful, cheater too. You can’t separate the two. When you have children and have the experience of their birth with another human being there’s a connection, no matter what. You only share that with that person and no one else. That doesn’t mean anything but what it means. It doesn’t change anything. Our marriage is over and he will never be the person I fantasize he could be. I just miss the snuggles from the good old days. He was a great snuggler.
I missed my parents a lot today but I know they’re watching out for me. I know they’re proud of me for handling so much and still moving forward. I know they’re proud of me for letting go of my anger and still managing to be fairly happy. I know they’re proud of what kind of mother I am. I know they are. I felt their presence around us last night when my brothers and their families came over for Christmas Eve dinner and gift exchange. It’s nice to watch all the cousins play and I was happy to host this year, even if I’m doing it all alone. I pulled it off and did a pretty great job. I’m glad we still get together even without our parents being here. I hope we always do.
As this day passes I feel blessed. Blessed that I still have all that I have even when it’s not perfect. Blessed to be able to have people to love and people to love me. Blessed that I still open my eyes every morning and breathe. Life is about living it. Life is about love. I’m going to do both.
I hope your Christmases were merry 🙂.