Fear


I’m too afraid to make the steps needed to move forward.  I’m afraid I’ll fail.  I’m afraid I’ll lose.  I’m afraid I’ll get lost in it all.  I can’t wrap my head around how it’s all going to work and it paralyzes me.  I’m disappointed in myself at this stage and I’m hiding from my truth.  I’m acting like a needy child because I’m afraid to be the adult I need to be now.  Maybe because I don’t have anything to fall back on for the first time in my life.  Giving myself a break for my need to stall, because of everything I’ve been through, isn’t good enough anymore.  I can’t rest in that anymore.  It’s never going to change but it isn’t my present, it is my past and it can’t define my future.  I’ve just got to step forward.  I feel like I’m in quicksand.  I want to be everything I know I can be….but what if I’m wrong.  So afraid. 

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9 thoughts on “Fear

  1. I can understand fear. It’s paralyzing. It stops us from doing anything. I sometimes feel like if I make another move, my whole emotional deck of cards is going come crashing down. I perfectly understand the line of standing still and watching the world go by you.

    If you got up and made your kids breakfast, or lunch, or dinner, you’ve done well. Being an adult doesn’t mean you’re not afraid anymore. So many times I wish I was 10 and I could run to my mom and have her hold me. Just the fact I have that safe, healthy memory gives me a reason to make sure my kids grow up feeling the same, no matter what *they* run into.

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  2. Yes, exactly! I feel like any change I make will make everything I’ve held together come crashing down….scary!

    Thank you! I do all of that and more, it’s just the more serious stuff like getting a *real* time consuming job (instead of doing things for friends of mine who own businesses) that will put my kids into after school care and summer camps that will just be paying people to watch them away from me. It will just be a major change for all of us.

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  3. It is an uphill battle but you will survive. Just remember, when you’re in quicksand, be still. Don’t fight. You will be able to climb out. I’m not going to tell you that it’s going to be easy because it isn’t and it’s okay to admit that you are scared. If you aren’t scared then you aren’t paying attention. Stay strong! Sending hugs. 🙂

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