Who was she?

As I look back and wonder, how did I get here, I realize here may be better than there would have ever been.  I look back at the end of my marriage and all the things that happened, all the ways I was betrayed, mistreated, and abused and I don’t know that person anymore.  I was her and she was me but she is a stranger to me.  She is a person I wish I could go back and help, she is a person who looks so brave and strong…and sometimes beautiful.  She is a mother of two very small children that she loves more than she could ever show.  When I look back and see her aching heart, I feel her pain.  I feel how empty she is inside even with that big silly smile stretched across her face.  Even though she’s forgotten to eat for weeks, I see her run fast to chase her 2 year old little boy while being chased by her 3 year old little girl.  I see the joy she still feels having them even though the emptiness tugs at her backwards.  I see her breathe in the air around her.  It belongs to her and no one can take it so she sips in her breaths intentionally to enjoy all the little things she can when this big bad world is trying to break her and take away her soul.  She stands tall even after being beaten down.  She refuses to be the person she’s becoming.  She refuses to admit or believe it so she keeps moving.  I see her speak to others and smile.  I see her flow through spaces with a child on each hip.  I see the pain she’s trying to hide.  I wish I could help her because today, she’s helping me.  Today I’m still here and standing because of her.  Today I’m thankful that she could push through so I can still be sipping in each breath and enjoying the little things.  I’m thankful that she was strong enough to keep those babies happy and healthy because we couldn’t live without them.  No other year has broken her down and this year won’t either.  People will come in and out and try.  Some people will lie to her and use her.  Some people may try to love her but she may push them away…trusting this behavior doesn’t feel true, she runs.  She will still be ok.  She will still move forward and next year I won’t recognize her either because I will grow again into a better me and this years me will be long gone.   


7 thoughts on “Who was she?

  1. Yes! Terrible curse! I miss the old trusting me. I knew bad things happened but I just didn’t think a person who said he loved me would carelessly be so cruel, not only to me but to our children. It’s also quite baffling how he doesn’t believe any of those things happened. Acts like it wasn’t that big of a deal.

    Liked by 1 person

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