The next two days were a blur. The daily tasks of taking care of the children were moved through like a puzzle, one that she’d been putting together everyday since they were born. She didn’t even feel present. He hadn’t admitted anything but went between overly nice to lying, being extremely mean, and distant. How were they going to go on vacation? She called him at work and said, you’re going to tell me the truth tonight or we’re not going and I’m prepared to tell everyone why. He said he would tell her and would be home on time. He wasn’t but when he staggered in a couple of hours late he was nervous. Very nervous. He stood in the kitchen and she was in the living room sitting on the couch. She said, I’m ready. He said, I don’t want to tell you. She told him there was no way out of it now that he should go ahead. He said he was scared but then out of his mouth he said, I cheated on you with a girl named Kelly. She started crying and said, Are you still seeing her and are you prepared to stop? He said, no and that he didn’t know if he could. Lots of words after and it ended with, I don’t think I love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I think I might love her. I don’t know. I’m confused.
He had only known her for 3 months and only in the shadows. She lived 3-1/2 hours away. She hadn’t expected this as he had always had this ‘larger than life’ love for her. She was always overwhelmed with the enormity of his love and physical need for her. She never thought he hadn’t loved her. She only ever thought at times that he was little selfish. She thought he would confess, admit he’d made a terrible weak, physically driven mistake but she never thought he could love someone else and now claim he NEVER loved her! Never?!?! How could that even be true!?
She was moving around mindlessly finishing a few tasks as they talked. They were both avoiding eye contact but after he made that remark, about never loving her, she froze in place. She had just step over the baby gate with one leg and one was still solidly planted on the other side, like she was in between her life before and this new life she was being introduced to, but didn’t like. She felt the blood in her body drain to her feet. She felt weak and sad AND very VERY angry. They had a family. Two little ones who’s worlds revolved around the two of them. He doesn’t love me?!?! She let out a guttural cry from deep down inside. She felt like she was ripping apart internally. She was shaking and could move from her position, straddling this gate that protected their children. She was slumped over slightly at her waist, now silently shaking and crying, holding on with one hand on the wall beside her, when all of a sudden she felt RED with anger. She looked up and glared into his eyes and said, I HATE YOU, I HATE You, I hate you, I hate you over and over and over and over again. Then she brought her other foot over the gate and said, you need to figure out how you’re going to fix this. We leave in the morning and I’m going to bed. She turned around and went to their bedroom, fell on the bed and sobbed. She curled into the fetal position and cried into her pillow. He came up soon after, curled up behind her and held her and cried. She was broken, so sad, and feared what her future would be. She didn’t sleep any that night and got up early to shower and get dressed before waking up the kids. They had an early flight and needed to get to the airport. She felt like she was having an out of body experience but she kept moving forward. She needed to keep it together for the kids and it was going to be the hardest thing she’d ever have to do.
***later she would find out that he recorded her saying she hated him, so he could use it against her and to prove to his girlfriend that something was terrible wrong with her. He was dreadful.