A Storm is Brewing

I knew a storm was brewing within me.  I knew.  The pep talk I wrote to myself yesterday was my last attempt to push it away.  It didn’t work.  I mean, I still believe and mean every word I said and this unsettled feeling I feel inside isn’t because I don’t believe I can’t live my life that way.  This churning inside me is because I’m so disappointed and so upset about how my life has turned out.  I mean what did I do to deserve this?  Where in my life did I make the ultimate mistake, unforgivable sin that I deserved everything that has come to me?

My proudest moments in my life revolved around my family.  When my daughter was born, I quit my job to stay at home and care for her just like my mother did.  I had such a special bond with my mom and I felt that bond began from her being with me, at home, teaching me, loving me, taking care of me….being there at home.  I wanted to be the same type of mother to my children.  I was.  I enjoyed doing it, even though it can be quite isolating when they’re young, especially when you have a hard baby and my daughter was.  She cried for 3 months.  Screamed and cried constantly.  It was hard but I loved her more than anyone I’d ever loved and I did it. I was proud of myself.  When my second came faster than planned, I handled it.  I had 2 under 2 and a dying mother.  I just did it.  I was a good mother and a good daughter even when I had no time for me.  I didn’t even think about it.  I made time for my husband in there too, loving him, taking care of him.  I was proud of my family and loved my family.  Then what seemed like a moment in time it was gone and I didn’t have a say in it.  Gone.  Now what gave me such pride, staying home to raise my children has crippled me.  Getting a job is intimidating as hell but I can’t keep living on child and spousal support and savings like this.  I need to put more in than I’m taking out.  On a good day I make a good impression.  I know people, I have connections but it’s been a long time and my confidence has plumated.  I also don’t want to work my ass off and have zero time with my children.  Being a single mom is probably something employers try to avoid.  I know they don’t have to know but it sucks that that is how it has to go.  Act like my kids don’t exist until I get hired.  Feels wrong but I know it’s necessary.  

The kids and I still have each other.  We are the 3 musketeers but I’m not the mother I wanted to be.  I’m not the mother I could have been, with a tiny bit of support.  No, I’m snappy and exhausted.  I’m not consistent and I worry often about some creep trying to take advantage of me, because I’m a single mom and exhausted, to get to my children. I’ve obviously watched too many 20/20s or Datelines.  I don’t want my children to be a statistic.  I would never forgive myself if I missed something.  I never wanted to be a single mom.

I can’t sleep at night.  Nights are so lonely.  I just stare at the ceiling and think, I am my children’s everything and what if I’m not enough.  I have to protect them, provide for them, care for them, teach them, encourage them, and love them all by myself.  If someone breaks in my house, I’m the person who’ll have to protect them.  My dad was that person for me.  I shouldn’t think these things but I can’t control it.  It’s all so overwhelming.  People give me advice but not often does anyone offer to help me.  I don’t ask for help either.  1 kid people are usually eager to help with but 2, especially 2 that are wild, like mine….no one is offering.  Not often.  Everyone has their own lives.  I get it.  I understand.  This is my life.  I should handle it.  It’s just so lonely.  So scary.  I mean how am I suppose to be the mom I could be like this?  I can’t be.  That’s the reality.  I can only be what I can be and alone, I can’t be great.  I can be good but great needs a partner.  Who’s got time to find one.  Not me.  My children come first.  They always will.  

Maybe I’m just exhausted.  I finally fell asleep last night around 3:30 and my daughter started throwing up at 4:00.  I didn’t go back to sleep.  I’m exhausted but I’m not going to be able to sleep.  The thoughts keep me full of fear that I can’t shake and I just wait for the sun to rise.  I don’t know if it will ever change.  I always have hope but it seems something is always trying to knock me down.  My dumbass keeps smiling like a fool, full of hope just to get smacked down again.  Groundhog Day.  I hate feeling this way.  I feel defeated.  Like a failure.  I’m almost embarrassed to post but, screw it.  I can’t believe I allowed someone to make me feel so unsure of my value.  My old self wouldn’t recognize me now.  

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19 thoughts on “A Storm is Brewing

  1. You are going to have those downs and probably more than you want or think you can handle…but you will handle them. Admitting that you are sad and lonely and depressed and scared, shows that you are self-aware. It’s not going to be an easy road but you will pull through.
    Your children need you and you will be there for them. They hopefully, offer you some comfort. I understand the way you’re feeling. You are fortunate that you are still relatively young. I am fortunate in that my children were grown when Loser and I split.
    Now, I try not to think about dying alone but I will. I had a spouse that I devoted 41 years of my life to. I have four children that I raised virtually on my own. They are all gone now and it’s just me.
    I’ll go kicking and screaming…not with a whimper. That’s what I want you to do now. Stand up and roar! You deserve to be loved and respected. Never settle for less than that. You’ve already paid too high a price for that bullshit.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you. You have the best things to say. Some days I feel crazy because it’s so up and down. One day it’s terrible and the next day I feel like I can do anything. That alone is exhausting. I’m a worrier and I know that I shouldn’t be but it’s impossible to stop. I also worry I will die alone one day, so your not alone on that one. I worry about what if I get really sick that there’s no one to take care of me or even care and then my kids will be thrown to the wolves. You know, all the basic stuff. Haha. Oh to be normal. I’m sure I’d be bored.

      I hope I can do it all. I probably need to force myself into the dating world if for nothin else than to figure out what I really want. Scary stuff.

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      • Don’t force yourself. You might end up “settling.” I know Loser was so desperate to not be alone, he picked up the first tramp he found and it’s costing him but he’s willing to pay.
        I am not desperate enough to pay for companionship. You shouldn’t be either. If your heart is still open, you will find the right one…just don’t, as I said….settle.

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        • I won’t force myself…I promise. I see too many red flags now. They’re everywhere!!! Haha. I’m comfortable being alone long enough to heal and figure out some things. I’m glad I’m not a serial dater (one relationship after another). Never was my style.

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          • It wasn’t my style either. I guess that’s why I didn’t realize Loser had given me herpes…I wasn’t “worldly.”
            You never know…one day you might just be minding your own business and WHAM! Mr. Right is standing in front of you! At least….I hope so…for you. 😘

            Liked by 1 person

            • Loser needs a throat punch! I’m sorry he gave that to you but don’t think it’s a death sentence (I’m sure you don’t) I have a few friends who were unhappily gifted that as well. They never have problems.
              There are too many things out there to contract these days. I dodged a bullet with my ex. I mean I found a video him screwing a stripper with NO protection and that’s just he one I found. You know there were others!!!
              Ohhh the daring world. Can a girl just get some without having to triple wrap someone’s member 🤣😂🤣😂!

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              • I would be too embarrassed to tell anybody I had it…and I’m through with men anyway.
                The tramp was lucky. He told her before they started fucking each other and it was okay because she already had it.
                Sure wish he had been that gracious with me.

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                • You shouldn’t be. I think the statistics would show you are so not alone in this. Plus no one needs to know that information in the beginning. Anyone worthy of you would stick around. I’m sure of it 😊.

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                  • I don’t know. I know Loser screamed at me “if you care enough, it doesn’t matter.” I think had I been given the choice, I would have opted to NOT have it. I can’t say that I would want to “interact” with a different strain, either. 😦

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  2. Iom, you can do this! It’s going to be hard but you can do it. Discipline yourself to stay in the moment. This one right now….

    Place your pain, fears and worries into Gods hands.
    Pray The Serenity Prayer often..

    God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference.
    💜

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ifonlymommy… I felt like I was reading my exact thoughts in this post. So many similar feelings, especially about dating and moving on. My kids are my priority right now and will always be. I feel like I should be putting myself out there and dating, but to me it looks terrifying. I see all these people moving on and getting engaged and I kinda envy it and worry that I will always be alone. Then again, I am absolutely enjoying my new dynamic with my kids and our “threesome” that we have. If I knew that my person would be coming into my life eventually, I know for a fact I would be enjoying my life right now a hell of a lot more than I am which is crazy. I want to enjoy every second of this ride with my kids because one day I know for a fact I will look back and wish I could go back and enjoy them as they are still young. It’s hard to sit back and watch my ex move on repeatedly and find love while I continue to come to everything alone.. but I hope it will be my time next.
    ps my ex gave me HPV.. lovely right?
    xoxo

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    • Seems like there are a lot of similarities. It sucks how easy they can move on. What sucks worse for me is realizing I’m just one of many to him. He doesn’t know how to love. He sure tricked me for a long time.
      With dating, I think I’d be at peace too if I could look in the future and see that there someone for me. That would be awesome! I hate being alone but in the same breath, I’ve become comfortable in it. I’d hate for someone to disrupt the peace that I now have with just he 3 of us. One day they will grow up and I don’t want to be alone after they do. It’s so hard to figure out. I honestly think I’m not ready. Personally I’m not confident enough to pick the right person. I think I’d put up with someone treating me poorly again if I rushed into it. I can’t imagine ever letting anyone know my children either. Everyone says, “when you meet the right person, you won’t even question it.” “It will just work.” Then I think, you don’t know me do you? Haha. Lonely sucks but not as bad as abuse. Hopefully we can both enjoy these little ones more and worry less in this new year. I’m certainly trying.
      Hugs to you!

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    • Oh and the HPV thing I wouldn’t stress about. Im sorry he gave you something. I’m scared something will show up in me at some point but I’ve been tested a lot. So embarrassing to get tested for stds when you’re married and have been married for years and years. Those memories suck too! I’ve known tons of people who tested positive for HPV and years later teated negative, like it just cleared up on it on. Our bodies are amazing things.

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