Would I rather be alone or put myself out there and risk being hurt, being rejected, being abused again? The answer is, yes. Right now, I’d rather be alone than risk being hurt. Just knowing that made me realize how much of myself is lost. I know my answer isn’t the right one but my truth is that. I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know if I want to.
The current version on me isn’t trusting however has put herself in a couple of situations where I had no value. Is this because of fear? I don’t know. I guess it may be worth looking at. I’m tired of all this inner focus. I just want to live and do but I guess that’s not how I operate. Does anyone ever free themselves of this noisy inner dialogue?
I vividly remember a time in my life where I would find so much peace, just lying in a hammock, listening to the sounds of nature. I remember when a warm summer breeze would steal away my focus and I’d put my arms out and head back just to be. I remember being free to make choices, right or wrong, and not be paralyzed by the outcome. It was ok to make mistakes as long as no one got hurt or especially if it was fun. I remember me, a fun loving, animated, silly, friendly, music loving, beer drinking, hugging, kissing, compassionate, lover of life and everyone in it. I remember being that girl and taking really ridiculous scary chances and having those as being some of my favorite memories during the time when I was single/without kids. I remember me. I remembering being totally mesmerized by the stars on a clear night, especially when there was great music playing. I remember laughing until I cried so many times and not being able to breathe. I love that. Who doesn’t.
Present day me…the stakes are higher. I have to be a freakin’ grownup all the time…who likes that shit. Ha! Not me. I can’t be free with my heart for many, many, different reasons but a couple of big ones are, I am so terribly broken from what has been done to me that I am so scared that will happen again and what I need from someone isn’t humanly possible (also due to the fact that I am still so broken). Who wants to say that?!? I don’t even like this me. She sucks. She’s naïve. She tries too hard. She expects to much. She gets her feelings hurt too easily. She runs and hides a lot instead of being bold, and loud, and the life of the party. She hears people introduce her to others with stories of who she use to be and it makes her feel sick, feel sad, and feel lost.
I want to be happy and if I write another angry, sad, pathetic post I’m going to throat punch myself (ok that’s a little funny because…come on….that’s not even possible). Ok I’ve got to be in there. I just need to learn to not give so much of myself to anyone who doesn’t make me a priority and still try. I’ve just got to try. I can’t push new people away in fear of being hurt, not forever. Now, its just the way it is but… forever….I hope I learn to take more chances. For now. NO. Not gonna happen.
eye rolling, tender heart having, smart ass being, me….all millions of pieces of me