I started another site years ago before switching to this one. I’m not sure why I did that. I’m sure I wasn’t thinking clearly about anything and something felt wrong so I just abandoned my previous site, although I barely wrote anything there. Occasionally I’ll get a ping that someone has started following the site or commented on one of my old post but mostly I ignore it and act like it doesn’t exist without actually deleting it. This morning I wanted to look at it and I was shocked that I started it 4 years ago. Over 4 years of living in this bullshit with a man who use to be my husband and a man I don’t even recognize anymore. It’s all so surreal.
I guess I’ve gotten far but I am still not where I want to be. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I’ve been through a massive amount of abuse. I’ve raised two children during this process without breaking and keeping their lives as normal as possible. I’ve buried both parents and barely had time to mourn either one of them. I’ve dealt with two affairs, one, the first one, seemed pretty typical of affairs….husband sleeps with single women who treats him like he’s the best thing she’s ever met, treats him like he is God’s gift to women. He thinks he falling in love with her and so the kids and I don’t exist. We stand in the way of his happiness. He moves out but in under a year he moves back in after leaving the other woman. He in the process rents an apartment on the sly where he has another affair secretly with a stripper. I’m pretty sure he paid for her to live there. Like he was keeping her or owning her but still coming home from work everyday (for probably 3 months before the disappearing started again) and living like a family man. He just wasn’t going to work, he was going to his secret apartment. So basically I’ve been through hell and this is just touching on some of the major points. Returning to the original point, reading this post from 4 years ago I felt so awful for the me who wrote it. She didn’t know what was to come. She didn’t know how much worse it would get. She seemed so broken already. So timid almost. So unsure of herself. So shrunken.
This is my post from 4 years ago.
Marriage was supposed to be my happily ever after. In ways it was and in many ways it wasn’t but the best thing that ever happen to me came from this marriage, my children. Did I not do enough to make my marriage work. Maybe. I could have tried harder. Everyone could try harder. Did I deserve what was done to me, no. Hell no! No one deserves to be treated badly. The list of how I failed through his eyes.
- Sex everyday.
- Do what he asked me to do regarding our children.
- Make sure the house was clean when he got home. No scattered toys.
- Make sure no toys are in his garage spot when he gets home from work.
- Spend a minimal amount of money.
- Don’t leave him to long with the kids alone.
- Let him do what he wants without complaining.
- Don’t be offended when he criticizes everything I cook.
- Teach the kids to do as he says not as he does.
- Take blame for any bad behavior of our kids.
- Never ask to look at our finances.
My list was different.
- To love me unconditionally.
- To treat me kindly.
- The be my friend and lover.
- To spend time with us as a family.
- Be treated as an equal.
- Think of me.
- Support me when I’m feeling weak.
- Love our children.
- Work daily on our marriage.
- Be transparent.
- Parent with me as a team.
- Surprise me sometimes.
- Be loyal and trustworthy.
We couldn’t work it out. I tried. I tried alone. Marriage is complicated and anyone not working at it….quitters.
What a douche bag he was and is. How lucky he was to have any time with me. Jerkoff. He was LUCKY. He still is because I’m sure I could RUIN his life, but I don’t. What good will that do. He is extremely lucky I tolerate his existence at all but for our children, I can do so much. I seriously deserve an Oscar. This acting I do is superb…top notch. Haha!
One thing that does make me sad is knowing I will never ever get to see our babies run to greet their daddy when he arrives home from work. It was a special memory. One they probably won’t even remember. It just belongs to me.
Life is unpredictable but it is also great. No one ever promised me it would be easy. I’m not sure it’s meant to be. I just need to decide how I want to rest of it to go and try my hardest to make it happen.