Hamster Wheel to Nowhere.

My reality is complicated.  Majorly.  To heal, I have to not allow my ex much contact with me, even though we have children together. I’m not good with this.    I even pride myself for being able to tolerate him but what I push away is, that this doesn’t allow me the space I need to heal.  I know this is why I struggle, why I haven’t moved forward more and why I still linger in the abuse.  The excuse I use to defend my actions is that I am really close to his parents, and I am.  I don’t want to lose them.  They are my earth parents now that my parents are in Heaven.  They are really wonderful to me.  I fear the only way I will heal fully is to let them go.  Staying connected to them connects me to him.  He’s always present in my mind.  Always.  I don’t love him.  That part is long over.  I’m just not over how he treated me and our children.  

Every day I wake up feeling like I’m going to make it a great one (and no I am not a morning person…not even close).  Every night I fight the feeling that I’ve failed.  I know I feel this way because he made me feel this way all the time.  I haven’t moved on because I honestly don’t think anyone will love me.  He didn’t, why would anyone else?  I can’t push these thoughts away.  I know rationally that this isn’t true but the abuse is still dominating, so it’s a constant battle.  One that exhaust me every day.  One that keeps me from being me.  

My thoughts lately are if I shut people out, I can’t get hurt.  If I disconnect before I go too far, I’m in control.  If I present myself as happy, put together, strong and keep new people at a distance I will protect myself.  I will win, but I’m not winning.  I’m struggling and it’s been too long.  I’m losing my positive outlook and without it I have nothing.  I will crumble.  I’m my own cheerleader and I have been my entire life because I have to be to survive.  I’m losing her.  I’m letting the memories from the abuse, the feelings of self doubt, the way it felt when I realized he really didn’t love me and how empty that feels, take over.  Doing this makes me feel like I’m losing. It makes me feel embarrassed because it’s pathetic.  I surely hope this is temporary.  It has to be but unless I get off this vicious cycle it will return.  I’ve been on this hamster wheel for years now and I’ve got to find a way off.  The only way off leaves me without the support I count on.  All of it…scary.

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7 thoughts on “Hamster Wheel to Nowhere.

  1. Every night I go to bed with conflicting emotions. Most nights I just want life to be over. But when I wake the next morning, I’m usually ok because I get to see my kids. Hoping for a night one day when I go to sleep happy, looking forward to waking the next day.

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  2. I completely understand. I have many of the same thoughts. But you, sweet girl, you are an optimist. You have one of the sunniest dispositions I’ve seen. Don’t lose that. You are my sunshine on a cloudy day. Many days I think, “I wish I could be as upbeat and positive as If Only Mommy.” When you’re having a rough day or a rough few days put it out there and let us help you get through it, but don’t ever stop being sweet, sunny, beautiful you!

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    • You are so sweet!!! I try to stay positive but some days get me down. Some days I’m overwhelmed. I think we all are.
      You inspire me! You are tough and resilient and I hope I keep it together as well as you have when my world crumbles more…and it will.
      I think we all help each other. That’s the best thing about being here. Hugs to you, my sweet friend!!!

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