My reality is complicated. Majorly. To heal, I have to not allow my ex much contact with me, even though we have children together. I’m not good with this. I even pride myself for being able to tolerate him but what I push away is, that this doesn’t allow me the space I need to heal. I know this is why I struggle, why I haven’t moved forward more and why I still linger in the abuse. The excuse I use to defend my actions is that I am really close to his parents, and I am. I don’t want to lose them. They are my earth parents now that my parents are in Heaven. They are really wonderful to me. I fear the only way I will heal fully is to let them go. Staying connected to them connects me to him. He’s always present in my mind. Always. I don’t love him. That part is long over. I’m just not over how he treated me and our children.
Every day I wake up feeling like I’m going to make it a great one (and no I am not a morning person…not even close). Every night I fight the feeling that I’ve failed. I know I feel this way because he made me feel this way all the time. I haven’t moved on because I honestly don’t think anyone will love me. He didn’t, why would anyone else? I can’t push these thoughts away. I know rationally that this isn’t true but the abuse is still dominating, so it’s a constant battle. One that exhaust me every day. One that keeps me from being me.
My thoughts lately are if I shut people out, I can’t get hurt. If I disconnect before I go too far, I’m in control. If I present myself as happy, put together, strong and keep new people at a distance I will protect myself. I will win, but I’m not winning. I’m struggling and it’s been too long. I’m losing my positive outlook and without it I have nothing. I will crumble. I’m my own cheerleader and I have been my entire life because I have to be to survive. I’m losing her. I’m letting the memories from the abuse, the feelings of self doubt, the way it felt when I realized he really didn’t love me and how empty that feels, take over. Doing this makes me feel like I’m losing. It makes me feel embarrassed because it’s pathetic. I surely hope this is temporary. It has to be but unless I get off this vicious cycle it will return. I’ve been on this hamster wheel for years now and I’ve got to find a way off. The only way off leaves me without the support I count on. All of it…scary.