There are things I feel I’ve figured out in this life I’m living. I have friendships that have lasted most of my life that I know are real, ones that have come and gone, and some that are still lingering in the in between. I’m not sure if they’ll stand the test of time or putter out because of life. You never know. The people that aren’t constant are still important and I still think of them as friends even if we haven’t talked in a year. There was a connection at some point that was important.
What I don’t have a grasp on is which people are trustworthy or not. I have a problem with trust. I trust pretty much no one completely. It is my way of protecting myself. It hurts to be betrayed, it hurts to be lied to and it hurts to know you’ve been talked about differently than you’ve been talked to. It makes you question everything. It makes me trusts myself less. It makes me isolate. Circumstances have made me this way. I use to think everyone was good. Now I know that everyone is different and not many people are like me. It scares me a lot. I don’t like thinking about what others say about me to protect themselves. I don’t like being a scapegoat. Maybe the time has passed and that doesn’t happen anymore but I really dislike it. It hurts.
I listen when someone talks to me. I watch everything instinctively and I’ve learned over time that there is so much more than the actual words being spoken. I’ve learned that if someone speaks unkindly about someone they once cared about, they’re covering up for something they don’t like about themselves or their own actions. I’ve learned that when someone answers a question with a question that they are never to be trusted. I’ve learned that if someone talks to you about the same thing over and over again that it is important to them and they are trying to figure out why. I’ve learned that sometimes someone just wants to be heard. Really heard.
I’m sure I’ll continue to understand more about people and how we interact. I’m sure people will continue to amaze me and disappointment me. What I’m not sure of is if anyone will ever be able to break down this wall I protect myself with. So far when I let it down a tiny bit I seem to get burned. So my guess is, not for a while. I still keep hoping for the best. That’s all any of us can do. People and life are just mysteries, unsolved puzzles or brain teasers…sometimes fun to figure out and sometimes exhausting. That about sums it up.