Fighting depression is no joke. It is a fight that I struggle with. Not every day but a lot of the days. Today I can’t shake missing my family. The way it was supposed to be. The way that it was at times. It makes me sad that the good memories are fading.
Sometimes it’s like it’s swallowing me whole but I can’t explain that to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. Some people move on faster than others and I’m not one of those who can. Maybe if it had been just me I would’ve already moved on to someone else but with our kids in the mix, it makes it much harder for me. I know that this depression has a hold on me…I certainly don’t enjoy things like I use to or like I should. I tire of people painting these fairy tale pictures of how it’s going to be. They have no idea what all of this has done to me and they don’t get how my ex isn’t going to be better, change, or be reliable to help with our children. I will never be able to call him and ask him to pick up our kids because I’m stuck in traffic or when I start working I get stuck at work. He will never be that person. When the kids were in preschool and my dad was sick, I asked him about 3 times to pick up one of the kids because I was still at the hospital and every time I’d get a call from the school to ask if we had forgotten to pick them up and that they would be in the office waiting. I’d have to leave the hospital and rush to get them and when I called him to ask him why, he’d say I was being ridiculous that he was about to go get them. He wasn’t.
I just wish I was one of those people who breezed through life effortlessly. I think I deserved that. I know I’m a good person. I know I didn’t deserve this. I don’t know. I’m just bummed out sometimes about the way things have turned out. Then I get mad at myself for feeling that way and not being thankful for what I have. Many people have it much worse. It still doesn’t mean that it’s not hard. It doesn’t mean that I’m not constantly fighting and I’m not constantly scared. Maybe I’m not strong enough. Maybe I’m just meant to fail at everything. Maybe my purpose is for other people to feel good about their lives. Wow what a pity party. Usually when I dip down this low I bounce back quickly. Fingers crossed that happens ASAP.