Digging in Deep

Last night I went out with some good friends.  It’s always so great to get to be myself again. To let go of the things that hold me back. We talked about my struggles for a while, and watching how angered they all get when talking about my exe’s treatment of me and then their eyes fill with tears when they talk about how I’m going to make it fine, makes me feel loved.  They really care about me as I do them.  They always remind me how strong I am. They follow up with calling my ex a douchebag and an asshole, and so on. You know, they say exactly what needs to be said 😉.  They know me. We’re all like sisters. They also knew I couldnt spend the entire night talking about that shot so subjects have to change…thank goodness.

One of my friends brought up an interesting question, if you could be alone in a room with anyone you’ve ever dated who would it be and why? It cracked me up because she had obviously thought of this recently and wanted to share her picks. Her two last boyfriends before she met and married her husband. She included one of them just because she thought she should, a pity pick. It was the other guy she really wanted to be alone with one time, just to see what happened. just to hear what he had to say. This is all just pretend and fantasy. They live in different areas and both are happily married. Their relationship just ended bad and quickly and they never spoke again. There was never closure. I understand why she wanted this. We all want closure. Even if it’s with someone years ago. Even if lives moved on, families were made and life move on. Just because it’s easier to close a chapter once all the questions have been answered.

I couldn’t decide on a pick. As I just wrote that, I thought of who I’d want it to be. Last night, I had no one. I picked my last boyfriend before marriage but not because I didn’t have answers or I still want him. I mean he’a still quite handsome and still single but he’s a mess. BIG MESS!  He doesnt live here anymore anyway. Still super cute and fun so maybe he could be a something (wink wink). Haha.

With this question I realized I needed to dig in deep and examine my patterns. I need to write down what I want from a man. How I need the next person to be. If I dont think about it then how will I ever know. I did this before meeting my husband. He hit all of them. It’s obviously not fool proof but I’m wiser now.

I’m going to dig in deep and try to get to the heart of why my relationships have started and why they all ended. There are only a few long ones. My husband of course the longest and the only one the ended badly. All of these memories have music attached to them and I’m going to try to find one of the ones that popped up when I thought of the last guy. I obviously need a soundtrack attached to my memories! haha!


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