Some days I wish for the simplicity of my younger days. How big the world was and as equally big, my dreams. I miss knowing that if I fell my parents were always there to pick me up…that I was loved unconditionally.
I adore my children. It is exhausting raising them without having someone to split the responsibility with, share the joys with, and plan for their future with. It is lonely when I have the best news about one or both of them but I know I can’t share it with their father because he will ruin it. He will steal the joy and make it about him. So I have it alone. I can share it with friends but no one cares about your children like you do or like their father is suppose to. I can learn to be ok with it just being a moment that I alone am proud of. That should be enough for me.
Their father is ignoring them right now. Barely giving them any time. Missing his nightly calls. He’s doing this partly because of they’re shining and it takes away from him. The other reason he’s ignoring them is because my birthday is coming up. If he talks to them, they may ask for his help to get me something. My birthday isn’t about him and he doesn’t want to acknowledge it, so he ignores them. It’s a pattern. Happens every year. He can’t turn personal holidays, like someone else’s birthday or Mother’s Day, into an event about him so he chooses to ignore them. Ignoring them gets him talked about so that brings the attention back to him. True narcissist style. He doesn’t really understand that this doesn’t hurt me, it’s just another day, but it does hurt our children. They want to be able to do something for me. I help them with his birthday so they get really confused when he doesn’t do the same. I always tell them to make me something but they always seem sad even when I act super excited about my picture or whatever else they made me. That part breaks my heart.
I really miss those carefree days when I didn’t know someone with a personality disorder could turn my world upside down. I miss the days before I really knew they existed. The days when I thought everyone cared about others and wouldn’t intentionally hurt you for their personal gain. I miss the days of not having huge stressors. I miss the days of believing I would get married to a wonderful man, have children and grow old together, loving and supporting one another. I miss those dreams. I miss the simplicity of them. I miss my innocence. I miss my ignorance. It was bliss.