I wonder often if I will always feel that I never have anything with anyone that is special between us. Life has lead me to believe I do not hold these positions alone but that most people have a backup or a spare if I fail them or they tire of me. That I’m easily replaceable and not unique. In fact I’m so replaceable that they have someone just like me, waiting in the wings if I should mess up or miss step. The thing is, I know this is not true. I know that I am very unique and special to everyone I’m close to. Emotionally I feel that thinking like that is foolish and everyone uses me for their own personal gain or need. That I need to open my eyes and protect myself at all cost. Never be a fool ever again. Run away before they turn their back on you….leaving you in the dust and never looking back.
I miss my rose colored glasses. I dislike the way I question most kind things that are said to me. I don’t like feeling I’ve failed if anyone needs me less, wants me less, desires me less. I can’t beat these triggers. They own me. If someone wants too much of me I push against them because it feels like a setup. I feel like I’m being made a fool out of. I feel everyone knows the truth but me, so I push back with such force to scare them away. Protecting my heart feels more important to me right now. Not letting anyone in again feels safe. Being alone makes more sense. Getting hurt is harder than it use to be and a lot of people don’t care if they hurt you. As long as you don’t hurt them and for goodness sake, move out of their way, they’re done with you. Don’t be pathetic. You lost your place in line.
A wounded bird can’t take more before she’s healed. She has to be careful. She has to protect her nest. She can’t come undone for anyone to take advantage of her tender heart. No one can possibly understand. She doesn’t even.