A Pair

I miss being part of a pair.  I see couples, married, joking and having fun.  Laughing together at their kids or smiling together watching their kids accomplish something.  That was one of the things that ol’ Cheater McCheaterson said to me, that wasn’t awful, that he didn’t want to miss me looking back at him smiling about something one of our kids just did.  Smiling and proud and happy.  That was one of the things that seemed  real and heart felt but probably was manipulative.  I despise this personality disorder from which he suffers.  You can’t take anything at face value.  Even if some things are just that….just as they seem.  I can never trust that they are.

I really miss having someone to snuggle with on the couch.  I miss holding hands and hugs in the kitchen.  I even miss ass grabs…and dry humps from behind when I was incredibly too busy.  It was all silly and playful. I realize these were just crumbs.  There were tons of low blows and jabs along the ways.  There was always resistance and always criticism.  I was willing to love through all of that, with only crumbs.  I don’t think I thought I deserved better but I knew I didn’t deserve infidelity.  Not the first time, which I was willing to forgive if he would’ve been willing to do the work.  The 2nd, more disgusting time, during the time he was suppose to be working to repair our marriage, was just too much for anyone to take.  Then all the mean stuff afterwards.  

I miss being a part of a pair.  I miss the visions I had of our future.  Shit, I miss having happy visions of my future.  Now all I have fear.  Fear not knowing what to do.  Fear of not knowing how to do it.  Fear from not having my parents to help me figure it all out, even if only emotionally.  Their encouragement helped me push through the fear before.  Knowing they’d help if I needed them to, helped too.  Even if I never needed them, knowing they were there mattered.  Lately at night I have been lying in my marriage bed, starring at the ceiling, and wondering how the hell I got here.  Will I always been alone?  Will I ever be comfortable with anyone else.  Do I even want to try?  Then I think I’m not ready but I’m not getting any younger.  Getting older makes me feel ugly.  I wanted to grow old with someone.  A pair of oldies.  Didn’t seem as bad that way.  Men seem to look good when they age.  Women sometimes just look old.  It’s totally not fair.  Maybe I need Botox.  Maybe a pair of Botox injections.  

It’s raining.  I’m moody in the rain.  Sad and moody rain girl wishing for a spoon 🙄.  Needing some sunshine.  

☀️ 🌈 🍀-iom

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11 thoughts on “A Pair

  1. Spring is coming my girl and your babies are so little and the truly beautiful women only get better with age. Not saying I have not felt the fear. I still do feel the fear but a part of me knows something better is always coming. My kids are older. I have more freedom in a way. My ex and I still talk about the kids and talking with him about our “kids” will always trump talking to anybody else….even somebody special. It is hard. It is almost like a remapping of your mind but it comes. wishing so much you could find a little me time for….well anything but dating too. I hope you push yourself and get creative and find a way. Not to find the “one” but to see yourself again in the refelction of others. muchos love to you today!

    oh and the men and age thing. Blasted partially truth! But I have met men that have had younger woman (I am 42 and I have the marks of having four chidren) and some stay with and create a life with them – all good. But I have also met men that say older woman are the bomb because they have a sexy from having let go of expectation to look a certain way to be sexy. Besides you can’t even be thirty……..start worrying at 50 my dear. And see it this way for a moment. You are building so much strength in this time. Muscles of your mind, heart and soul…..more love for next time around and better boundaries too.

    I know you know…just reminding you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I hope so! Some days are more frustrating than others. You know me, I’m always writing it out! My children are young and demand all my time so you’re right, that will change and things will look different then but I also don’t want to rush the time away. It’s already going by too fast! You are sweet but I wish I was 30! We are the same age, sweet lady! I just had my babies in my 30s…I was way too wild in my 20’s to settle down. Haha. So at least I have that to reflect back on.
      I appreciate your kind and uplifting words. I hope your love life is still going well. It’s very exciting to see good things happen to good people!

      Liked by 1 person

      • see!!!! 40 rocks. A really good friend of mine is 49 and just met the second love of her life but her kids are older than mine even so it was easier for her. My mom remarried at about 47.

        Things are going quite well though I hate to get excited. I feel careful but same time I feel well matched with this new man. He has three kids and one step child. Was married for almost two decades like me and divorced for almost 3 years like me. It is the first man I have dated with the same time restraints as me and obligations and it feels like that makes everything more natural. He works away 2 weeks and home 1 week but also lives an hour away from here. So its a lot of talking and so far a couple dates every two weeks. It has been his struggle with dating. One week home and of course in that time he has his kids….but for me it feels like about all I can handle. And so its lovely in that way. Balanced expectations of time and hearts both in equally.I never wrote about the man I dated that had no kids and wanted to move in and take care of everything. That was so terrible and exhausting. I am getting long winded. I just truly believe its timing and somebody is out there walking a similar walk as you and you will find each other.
        Some cuteness. This man I know from elementary school but last memory I have of him is grade four. We recently discovered that we both moved from teh prairie to this small city at about the same time when we were both 6. Our grandpas were both farmers and played the accordian, guitar and fidde and both drove school buses. We both got married around same age…had the same amount of children underfoot and got divorced around the same time. Sort of fun to think about right?
        I look forward ot the day you tell me your story of finding new love. I dont worry for a second. And I love that you get it down on teh page…all of the moments. Thats is how we gift the world and honour ourelves.

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  2. man can I relate.. I miss being a pair too. I miss all the things that come with it. I miss having a home. I miss being financially stable. I miss laying in bed and watching our shows together. I miss laughing together. I miss having someone to clean with. I miss so much. The struggles being single are real. Thank you for the realness of this post. You are amazing. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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