Mapping Out a New Way

I’m a little lost.  It isn’t anyone’s fault but my own.  I’m avoiding everything.  I’m avoiding because of fear but that’s just an excuse.  It’s true but it’s still an excuse.  An excuse I’ve become way too comfortable with and it’s doing nothing but stealing from me.  It’s making me miss out on a new life that I should be further in creating.  I’m not setting a good example for my children. I’m focusing on the wrong things. I’m drowning, my feet are stuck in cement, waves are crashing around me, and I’m staring at a mirage in the distance.  I need to blink, or shake my head and refocus.

We all have had tragedies. I’m positive that no living person hasn’t had something difficult happen to them.  Yes, I do understand that I had a lot of them piled on top of each other, in a short period of time,  but that doesn’t make me different or more damaged.  Does it make things harder?  Maybe, but it doesn’t mean it has to be.  I’ve never been weak but I’ve been acting weak for a few months now.  I’ve been neglecting myself which I’ve learned doesn’t help me at all.  I can’t be the best me without taking care of myself.  In fact I begin to be a person who reacts and not a person who does.  A person who reacts is insecure, nervous, defensive, and sometimes not nice.  I’ve never been as aware of this as I am today.  I’ve never been so disappointed in myself and I can’t sit here and marinate in this self pity.  It isn’t who I am.  I am not a person who makes her own life worse by doing nothing.  I set goals and I go for it.  I can’t hide and let life pass me by.

So today I’ll begin again and get back on track.  No one is going to do it but me.  I have to believe in myself.  I will be kind and loving and not insulted, overly sensitive, and insecure.  If I don’t believe in myself, who the hell will.  I know who I am.  I know what I’m capable of.  I make mistakes and live outside of my moral code when I lose sight of that.  I hurt myself and I hurt others when I do and I’m ashamed of not seeing it before now.  I have to do better.  I have to be better.

   🗺 iom


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