I never get a break. When things are going smoothly and I finally can breathe, he pulls me back into his narcissistic vortex. He ignores our agreements, he pushes my buttons, to see if I’ll react, and he almost dares me to take the next step. He trusts I won’t. He thinks I’m weak again so he starts sucking me into his hell. I’m not weak. I’m just tired. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of repairing my children’s broken hearts when he does the wrong thing. I’m tired of worrying about what’s next.
I’ve read a lot that coparenting with someone operating in the Cluster B spectrum of mood disorders, is impossible. That you have to parent separately without much contact, if any. I do this the best I can without much contact but it doesn’t prevent him from getting in. Disrespecting me by ignoring our parenting plan, deciding not to pay me child support to see if he can get away with it, and continuing to decide when and how he pays spousal support.
I’ve given him until Monday to catch up on his payments. He won’t give me anything. This is a dare that he doesn’t think I’ll take, but I have to. I have to because he’s going to not pay me again if I let him get away with it now. He knows court is an expensive pain in the ass but he doesn’t care because he knows I’m not going to do it….but I am. This time I am. I am because I have to and I do hate court. I absolutely depise it. Afterwards he’s going to make my life a living hell so I’m going to have to brace for it. It makes me nervous.
If the judge makes him do, as he swore in front of her he would do, he is going to use the kids to punish me. He’s going to punish them to punish me.
Just knowing makes me feels sick. Makes me not want to be an active participate in my life. It makes me anxious and frozen and hurt. I didn’t deserve this. The kids didn’t either. It’s just so unreasonable. So unkind. So him.