Vortex

I never get a break.  When things are going smoothly and I finally can breathe, he pulls me back into his narcissistic vortex.  He ignores our agreements, he pushes my buttons, to see if I’ll react, and he almost dares me to take the next step.  He trusts I won’t.  He thinks I’m weak again so he starts sucking me into his hell.  I’m not weak.  I’m just tired.  I’m tired of fighting.  I’m tired of repairing my children’s broken hearts when he does the wrong thing.  I’m tired of worrying about what’s next.

I’ve read a lot that coparenting with someone operating in the Cluster B spectrum of mood disorders, is impossible.  That you have to parent separately without much contact, if any.  I do this the best I can without much contact but it doesn’t prevent him from getting in.  Disrespecting me by ignoring our parenting plan, deciding not to pay me child support to see if he can get away with it, and continuing to decide when and how he pays spousal support.  

I’ve given him until Monday to catch up on his payments.  He won’t give me anything.  This is a dare that he doesn’t think I’ll take, but I have to.  I have to because he’s going to not pay me again if I let him get away with it now.  He knows court is an expensive pain in the ass but he doesn’t care because he knows I’m not going to do it….but I am.  This time I am.  I am because I have to and I do hate court.  I absolutely depise it.  Afterwards he’s going to make my life a living hell so I’m going to have to brace for it.  It makes me nervous.

If the judge makes him do, as he swore in front of her he would do, he is going to use the kids to punish me.  He’s going to punish them to punish me.  

Just knowing makes me feels sick.  Makes me not want to be an active participate in my life.  It makes me anxious and frozen and hurt.  I didn’t deserve this.  The kids didn’t either.  It’s just so unreasonable.  So unkind.  So him.

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12 thoughts on “Vortex

  1. Iom, my heart breaks for you and my inner warrior rises up in massive rage! In my country if the father doesn’t pay child support he is in contempt of court and an arrest warrant is issued. It doesn’t sound like that’s what happens there..? You say it involves court again.. wow that’s hectic.
    I am a strong believer in being as open as possible with kids about the crazy behaviour of their father. When they know that their fathers behaviour is not normal it helps them to feel more normal. They can look to your for their standard of what the range of ‘normal’ is. Knowing the truth frees them up to trust in their own instincts. I can’t remember what their ages are but giving them managable portions of truth and perspective will strengthen them.

    So much love to you Iom! 💗

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parenting-narcissist-do-instead

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    • So what’s a concerned co-parent to do? Bill Eddy, founder of The High Conflict Institute and author of Don’t Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce shared some advice with us on an episode of “Co-Parenting Matters”, “Dealing With High Conflict in Your Co-Parenting Relationship.” According to Eddy, it’s important to realize that you cannot change a narcissist. And certainly trying to convince the narcissist that he’s a narcissist is pretty much a fool’s errand.

      http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/individuals

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much ❤️! It is so frustrating. It is just hard to believe people care so little about how their actions affect others. I’m the complete opposite.
      I do give my children a lot of truths about their father when he lies or disappoints them but I try not to bad mouth him otherwise. He’s still their father and a part of them. I’m always hopeful for them to have a good relationship with him but they have to ride the wave of his emotions. He’s lots of fun when he’s at a good place but if something more exciting comes up he’ll totally ditch them to have his fun. They are 6 and 8 and they are fully aware that’s something is off with him. He avoids hard questions and disappears when they confront him when he treats them badly. Then they miss him so they forget to ask him again when he reappears. They’re usually excited to see him because they’ve been so sad that he disappeared. It’s a awful way for them to be treated. They can count on me and know they’re first in my life. I always pick them over anything. They never doubt my love.

      With child support here I just have to file and they will take care of it. Mostly they give him a bunch of chances until they finally start garnishing his wages. It’s just a long process. He will pay on and off enough to not really ever be reprimanded. Exhausting. For alimony and him being in contempt of our parenting agreement we have to go to court. They make BIG money in family court here. BIG!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Stay strong, sweetie. I know it’s a PITA and exhausting to boot. You know, too, that if you don’t take action he’ll continue to play these games.

    Hopefully you have documented, Documented, DOCUMENTED every time he has violated the agreement and every time he has ditched the kids.

    Be prepared for the rage channel as Chump Lady calls it. Deal with him like you would the county tax collector- calm, cool, collected. Business-like.

    Good luck!

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  3. Were his payments court ordered, or did the court accept his useless word? I am not getting child support but I demanded that my alimony come straight out of his 401K. He has no say and can’t decide to “be late” or “forget.”
    I agree with Spaghetti Sam. DOCUMENT! Give no “wiggle room.” If he gets it once or twice, he will take advantage of your good nature or just assume that you are too weak to take him to task.
    Stand up and roar! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I miss this earlier when you wrote it! I wish my alimony was takenout of his check! I agreed for him to pay some of it in a big chunk to lower the monthly amount. He never paid the large amount. I shouldn’t have agreed to doing it that way but that was back when I thought he would do what he agreed to and swore to do in front of a judge.

      Liked by 1 person

      • If he agreed and it was ordered by the judge, you can haul his butt into court. Even when “promises” are made and they are not carried out, if you take them to court, the judge will order the payments to be paid THROUGH the court. If they don’t, they go to jail.
        It doesn’t matter how long ago it was. You can still take him to court. There are court records that will show proof of what he promised, what the judge accepted and what he is NOT doing.

        Liked by 1 person

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