I have faults…hell yeah I do. I’ve never claimed to be perfect. Far from it. I have this aching doubt that grows within me. Years and years and years of words I can’t get out. Raised voices. Knowing eyes. Trusting the untrustworthy. Fuck, it has scarred me. It doesn’t keep me from smiling. It’s never kept me from laughing. It does make me different when I’m alone and those voices inside me get louder.
When I’m feeling weak and battling to keep the wounds from breaking open, I feel like I’m drowning. My fists are clinched. My jaw tight. My shoulders rise up, tense under my ringing ears. I feel sore like I’ve been in a boxing match. Punching my way out.
You could never cage me. My truths are evident. I am kind, loving, sweet. I am a tight hugger. I am sincere. I am a doubled over laugher….mouth wide open….tears running down my face until I can’t breathe. I fully commit. I am a full faced smiler. NEVER try to cage me. I am all of those good things. I will love you with my whole heart even it embarrasses me to admit it. NEVER cage me, not with your assumed ownership of me, or your insulting words. NEVER cage me with you disappearances causing me to worry that you’re hurt or lost or taken from me. NEVER cage me by leaving my life and never say goodbye, making me think I’ve done something wrong. If you do I will bring out one of my other truths and you will not like it. I will pounce. I will break free from your cage and I will come at you with fire in my eyes. I will unleash the anger, I rarely let out,and I will put you in your place. In that FUCKING CAGE that you wanted me to die in. The one that you try to break me down and surround me with. The one make by your terrible actions, words, disappearances, and betrayals. The one that couldn’t be seen but felt like it weighed a million pounds.
Don’t blame me for your mistakes. I wasn’t one of them.