Heavy Loads

We’re into our soccer tournament weekend.  Today was steamy!  Whew! It was still super fun.  They play so hard and I love to watch them.  

As I pulled into the soccer complex, circling for a spot, the kids and I were getting pumped up about the games.  We were talking about what might happen, guessing how many goals were going to be scored etc.   We were happy.  Nothing felt wrong.  30 minutes later I snagged a spot someone just pulled out of.  It felt like a win too!  I got our things and we started out walk to find the field we were assigned to.  This is were I felt the slight ting of sadness.  Here I was, keeping the kids close so they’d be safe.  There was lots of traffic and tons of opportunities to get lost in the crowd.  I was carrying a cooler, two chairs, another bag of sunscream, snacks, electronics, my purse and a picnic blanket.  The kids had their balls and a water.  In front of me was a man, his wife, and two boys.  He was carrying the bulk of their load. Behind me the same, a dad carry the heavy loads.  I got to the field and there were fathers and husbands setting up the chairs, the tents, and whatever else they had.  The moms were helping the kids to where they needed to be and keeping the younger ones in check.   Then there was me.  I’m throwing down everything, popping open one chair for B before taking L the water and water sprayer fan she dropped.  I ran back to finish setting up.  Realized I hadn’t put sunscreen on anyone.  I start running around applying sunscreen.  

The game starts and I cheer, like normal.  Running up and down the field (they are really fun to watch).  L scored the first goal. Yippee!  Then the first game was over.  I packed it all up and we went back to the car to get our other bag with lunch in it.  We picnicked to avoid fighting for another parking spot an hour and 1/2 later.  Then we repeated the process again.  

This soccer day was done and after packing it back in the car and heading back home, I feel the sadness again.  I tried to ignore it again.  I always do.  I knew it would return.  My daughter found this Youtube family and watched for awhile before she said, “I like watching this….they have a really good family.”  That sadness stung.  It retuned and I tried to busy it away as I made dinner, drug us all to the store, and then got them ready for bed. After final tucks I came downstairs where it hit me….I will never get over my children not having the family they deserved, I will never move pass the pain I feel when they watch other daddies be there for their children, and I will NEVER forgive him from creating those sad eyes on my children’s faces when he disappoints them yet again.  NEVER.  NEVER.  NEVER!  And I can never fix it.  I cannot make the percentage of likelihood that they will also fail at marriage decrease, I cannot make up for what he does, but I can be a super mom most of the time…even if my smiles turn to exhausted tears when they’re sound asleep at night.  I will be as close to “enough” as I possible can.  That’s all I can do.  

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10 thoughts on “Heavy Loads

  1. I was reading this and remembering my children, who all played soccer. When I got to the part of you having to do everything by yourself, I remembered my experiences.
    When I blew out my knee, I was in a locked brace from ankle to hip. One week after my surgery, it was game time and our turn to provide drinks for the team.
    We got to the field and Loser got out and walked away. I got the huge cooler out of the van, that probably weighed more than I did. Loser had lit his cigarette and was “coaching the girls.”
    It was a struggle but I started hauling that cooler all the way across the field, while Loser stood there watching me…smoking and playing “God.” One of the girls from the other team, who I knew, came running over and said “Mrs. ****, let me help you.”
    I don’t know which is worse…you grieving over what you once had, or me grieving over what I never had.
    This should be your new motto….”one day.”

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  2. When I read this post I’m reminded of a family I knew growing up. My parents knew the husband and he turned out to be a jerk who left his family. The wife raised their children on her own and the older they got the less they wanted to do with their dad because they became aware of the sacrifices and hard work their mom put in daily while their dad didn’t do much. Now their relationship with their dad is non existent and he can’t understand why because he’s a dense bafoon! But they’re so crazy proud of their mom!

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    • Thank you. I hope I’m enough. I’d love them to have their daddy like they should but I hope they’ll understand how much I do for them and want to do for them. They really are my everything.

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      • You are! I think in situations like this it’s so easy at times to want to parent from a place of guilt because your children don’t have the life you had hoped to give them but that doesn’t mean you can’t give them the best parent. I think what my family friend did that was so admirable is that she parented out of love and not guilt. She kept boundaries for her children, gave them responsibility, listened to them, was honest, let them know she was doing her best and showing them that. I know there were times they tried to push boundaries, manipulate and guilt her into giving into them but she did a great job of being a mom first and now that they’re older and done with school you can tell that she has a great friendship with her children and they admire her so much! I know it’s hard doing this alone but just take it a day at a time!

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        • I do the same. I patented from guilt at first and I’m sure I still do at times but I parent them like I envisioned doing before all this happened most of the time. It’s not the fairy tale but I’m lucky to have them.
          Thank you for your reply 🙂.

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  3. IOM, what an amazing mom you are. Your kiddos are lucky to have you. Having said that, I cringed when I read your post, I can relate to everything you say. My girl is only 3, but I already feel this big emptiness where her dad should be in her life; and that I can never forgive my husband for stealing the prospect of an intact family from her. I know she’ll be fine – just like your children – but still, we wanted something better, more complete, more whole for them, and their own father robbed them from this! Argh, I’m upset, for your kids and mine. Big hugs!

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