We’re into our soccer tournament weekend. Today was steamy! Whew! It was still super fun. They play so hard and I love to watch them.
As I pulled into the soccer complex, circling for a spot, the kids and I were getting pumped up about the games. We were talking about what might happen, guessing how many goals were going to be scored etc. We were happy. Nothing felt wrong. 30 minutes later I snagged a spot someone just pulled out of. It felt like a win too! I got our things and we started out walk to find the field we were assigned to. This is were I felt the slight ting of sadness. Here I was, keeping the kids close so they’d be safe. There was lots of traffic and tons of opportunities to get lost in the crowd. I was carrying a cooler, two chairs, another bag of sunscream, snacks, electronics, my purse and a picnic blanket. The kids had their balls and a water. In front of me was a man, his wife, and two boys. He was carrying the bulk of their load. Behind me the same, a dad carry the heavy loads. I got to the field and there were fathers and husbands setting up the chairs, the tents, and whatever else they had. The moms were helping the kids to where they needed to be and keeping the younger ones in check. Then there was me. I’m throwing down everything, popping open one chair for B before taking L the water and water sprayer fan she dropped. I ran back to finish setting up. Realized I hadn’t put sunscreen on anyone. I start running around applying sunscreen.
The game starts and I cheer, like normal. Running up and down the field (they are really fun to watch). L scored the first goal. Yippee! Then the first game was over. I packed it all up and we went back to the car to get our other bag with lunch in it. We picnicked to avoid fighting for another parking spot an hour and 1/2 later. Then we repeated the process again.
This soccer day was done and after packing it back in the car and heading back home, I feel the sadness again. I tried to ignore it again. I always do. I knew it would return. My daughter found this Youtube family and watched for awhile before she said, “I like watching this….they have a really good family.” That sadness stung. It retuned and I tried to busy it away as I made dinner, drug us all to the store, and then got them ready for bed. After final tucks I came downstairs where it hit me….I will never get over my children not having the family they deserved, I will never move pass the pain I feel when they watch other daddies be there for their children, and I will NEVER forgive him from creating those sad eyes on my children’s faces when he disappoints them yet again. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER! And I can never fix it. I cannot make the percentage of likelihood that they will also fail at marriage decrease, I cannot make up for what he does, but I can be a super mom most of the time…even if my smiles turn to exhausted tears when they’re sound asleep at night. I will be as close to “enough” as I possible can. That’s all I can do.