I’ve disappeared on here a little as of late.  Maybe it’s only because it’s summer or it could be because of other things. I haven’t decided to be honest with myself yet as I paddle down denial river.  I habitually do this.  It’s when there are no answers, when I’m uncomfortable in my own skin, and when there’s a lot of emptiness. 

I know something’s not right because I’m reading less; your writings, journal articles, google searches for curiosity reasons.  All ceased.  It’s baffling and familiar all the same.  It’s not sadness or happiness.  Just still.  I’m moving.  I’m active.  Social even.  I’m just not sure I’m feeling any of it.  I miss my hyperness, being excited, and feeling positive.  

I have a show coming up that I bought tickets to months ago.  I lined up a babysitter a month ago.  I’m dreading it.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!  I hope I’ll snap out of it soon.

I saw this the other day and felt like it described how I feel a majority of the time. I mean, I struggled before when I was younger and closer to perfect (no one is perfect but you know what I mean).   How the hell am I suppose to feel now with all of this emotional baggage, wrinkles, and scars.  My trust issues alone. No one is that patient and I’m a runner…if it seems too good, it is.  Run before you get hurt.  

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3 thoughts on “

  1. I know exactly how you feel. If my friends and children saw me today, they would be shocked. I remember one of my daughters coming home once. I had been building walls or something all day and plopped down in a chair. She walked in and said “I’ve never seen you sitting down before when I came home.”
    I would tell you this. Don’t get too comfortable with the numbness. I did and now I don’t want to give it up. Hiding is better than getting out in the world. I’d hate to see that happen to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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