I am a person of feeling. It seeps out of my pores. I lose my train of thought, I tell stories within stories, and I cry often. I feel. To have a marriage, have children, and then have it end in such a manner, without reason, leaves a person like me hollow in the spaces where all the meaning should have been but never was.
We met on Valentine’s Day of all days. So cliché. I met who I thought would be the love of my life on Valentine’s Day, love day (eye roll). He was the man I would marry and have a family with and live happily ever after. Except none of it was true. It was all as fake as a mirage in the desert. It never existed. I saw it. I even thought I felt it but it was never there. It was just me building a family, having children, and feeling each and every moment alone with you right beside me. Alone when we made love. Alone when we said our I do’s. I was alone in the delivery room as we welcomed our children into the world. I was alone.
There was never support, only jealously and rivalry…competition. There were criticisms and betrayals. The loneliest times I’ve ever felt were in spaces with you. I attempted to bond us and make us closer. I wanted to be closer to you. I needed it. I thought you had a wall up and needed time but you didn’t. The wall I imagined being up never existed. You were never more than who you were. You were shallow and empty. You were self serving and secretive. You were focused on your needs and resented the love I had for our children.
From moment one of our lives as parents you try to dictate how I parented. You criticized the way I breastfed, the foods I ate, how much water I had to drink. You stormed out when I refused to let our baby girl, in leg braces, cry it out. When you asked me to turn off the monitor and ignore our infant crying I didn’t so you pushed me with your feet out of our bed. You were annoyed with me every time either of our babies cried or pulled me away from you.
When our son needed more from me as a toddler you said I was making him weak. When he needed to get in bed with us during the night you made me take him back to his crib every time. Even when he woke up 15 times a night to be close to me. Even when it would have meant we both would have gotten a little sleep. You blamed me for his waking.
Our marriage ended but it really never began. You were always a fraud. I was something you wanted for a reason and never for love. You need me for that reason until I wasn’t needed anymore because I gave my love to our children too. You were so jealous of it. Resented it. It was much worse with our son. He was your competition. The thought of it is just so insane.
Now I am a member of this club. The club where you had a marriage that was never real. A club where you allowed yourself to fall in love with an empty man and had children with him believing you were building a family together. It wasn’t true. Everything you believed you had never existed. It was just something you were doing alone. Your feeling and emotions and moments were real and his…his were all an act. He played the part until it wasn’t fun to play anymore. Until the attention and love wasn’t just his. Then he turned into a beast. A scary, evil, shadow of a man that you thought was real.
I belong to a club where every memory wasn’t what I felt or believed it to be and I don’t know what to do with that. For me to finally grasp that there was never a reason why, doesn’t make sense even though it is true, was life changing. I believe there is a reason for most everything. That is unless you married a narcissist. Then everything you believed about humanity shifted. I believed everyone had feelings. I believed that everyone could love and have empathy. I was wrong. Everything changed inside of me. I’m a person who feels and there is nothing to feel about any of that.