Left Over Emotions

I’m sad and I’m pissed off about it. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? I mean big deal, right? People get sad. I just need to allow it, get through it, and move on. Here’s the thing, my moving on feels stagnant. It not only feels stagnant, it is. I don’t want it to be and I don’t try incredibly hard to get things moving pleasantly along. I just can’t. I’m juggling too many balls already to throw some others in the mix.

When your marriage ends and you’ve been a stay at home parent you lose. Unless your life before lead you to the kind of financial stability that is almost impossible to blow, you lose. It doesn’t matter if you were the one who did what you needed to do and you married someone who wasn’t who they appeared to be, it doesn’t matter. They win. You lose. There aren’t many ways around it. You lose the years you gave to raising your family and away from a career that cannot be replaced. You don’t start where you left off, you have to start at the bottom and hope to get to where you were before. Even considering getting to where you deserve to be, should be, is a pipe dream. You’d have better luck starting over with something new. At least emotionally. It’s degrading to work under people who have less experience and have worked fewer years than you. You lose. Your spouse, who wronged you and worked the entire time, continues climbing the hill to success. They make more than when they were with you, take multiple vacations a year, keep their wardrobe updated, and take time for self care. All the things you can’t afford because they don’t follow court orders and pay you what they are suppose to to make up the difference. Nope they don’t. They’re suppose to keep your kids on health insurance but they don’t. You get blamed. You lose.

Dating? Ha! I flip between not wanting to and knowing I can’t add that in to the juggle. I don’t have time. I don’t have any desire to play games. I’m not yet at the point to believe fully that just being me is enough. Pushing through years of someone telling you how everything you do is wrong, keeping money from you, insulting you, baiting you when they need something, screwing with you when they’re bored and exploding on you when something isn’t going their way when it doesn’t even have anything to do with you. It’s hard to believe I am enough and I don’t have time to fight my demons to make myself comfortable enough to be me. I’m lonely though. I like being with someone. I like supporting someone and receiving support back. I barely remember what it feels like.

I’ve never be able to plan for the future with anyone although it is something I’ve always craved. My ex would never talk about the future, talk about what we wanted as a couple and plan together how to get there. You know, normal stuff. I was baited with normal and spent many years confused about why we couldn’t get there. I thought he was struggling because of his parents divorcing when he was young. I thought he didn’t know how because he didn’t see the example from having a two parent home. My heart hurt for him and I told myself I’d be a good wife and be patient. I’d give him time to get there. Time to trust me and not be afraid. I thought he was normal and I’ve always been full of empathy. He used my tender heart to mistreat me. Someone I trusted recently told me I allowed him to do it. That hurt. I didn’t allow anything. No one allows abuse. You get stuck in it when someone you thought you knew shows you who they really are. You’re confused. You’re afraid. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to walk away. Especially when your parents die during all of this and you know you have no support when you walk away. Oh, and their deaths, per your ex, made you boring and too sad to tolerate. I never had time to be sad. I was left alone to take care of an infant and a 1 year old the first time and a 3 & 4 year old the second. I couldn’t even make it to my dad’s side as he was dying because I wasn’t allowed enough money for a babysitter and I had to wait until a friend left work so I could drop them off with her. He died 5 minutes before I got there. Still warm but gone. My husband didn’t want to be inconvenienced. It wasn’t fun. It was too much work to have to keep our children for an unknown amount of time. He felt trapped if he didn’t know what time I’d return. He’d rather not do it. It was my problem. The worst part is I’m still defending why I wasn’t boring and too sad years later when I know those were just words used to hurt me. He never thought that or even cared. He just wanted to hurt me and make me feel badly so I wouldn’t ask him for help. I rationally know that but I’m still defending myself. So ridiculous. Abuse. This is what it does, even when you are strong.

My parents both died in November. The third week. Three years apart. November stirs up a lot for me every year. I try not to be sad or be taken over with it but the sights, the smells, the way the sun sets, it all makes me feel it all like it just happened. I miss them. I’ve never needed them more and I’m alone. No one to hold me or let me take time for myself. There’s no one taking on life’s stressors with me. It’s just me, worried about my future, worried about how I’m going to have enough for all the things the kids will need every year and every stage of development, and worried that I will be enough. I have no one to discuss their issues with. No one to talk to about worries and no one to be excited and proud with when they’re amazing. It isn’t what I dreamed it would be. I never knew it would be so lonely. I never knew I’d be so overwhelmed with all the things so often. I didn’t know I’d wake in the middle of the night full of fear because I don’t know if I’ll be enough, I’ll have enough, and that they feel loved enough. I hope they can’t see that I feel depressed often and can’t do anything about it. I hate that I can’t be the mother I could have been without all this pressure on me alone. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and it’s not getting lighter.

My kids are wonderful. They are smart, funny, caring and loving. They have their own problems that I have to help them learn to work around. I have to teach them how to not give up, to keep pushing forward even after defeat. I have to teach them how to work with their genetically inherited anxiety, adhd, and other. I have to help them grow to be emotionally strong, while allowing them space to have emotions. Never telling them they aren’t real or important but that they are needed to recover and move forward. All the while ignoring my own needs. There isn’t anyone to pick up the slack for me to have a moment for myself to recharge or release. I’m never at 100%. I carry a lot of guilt because of that.

I’m so angry I’m sad. I’m angry a stupid month stirs up so many emotions. I’m tired and I feel like I’m failing because something is knocking me down. I’m lonely but don’t need rescuing. I’m tired but don’t need sleep. I just want something that I needed and will never be. Sometimes I don’t. Today I do. This month I do. I just want someone to understand. I want a mentor that can help me get where I need to be so I can breathe. This load I’m carrying only lets me sip at the air I need.

4 thoughts on “Left Over Emotions

  1. I am so sorry for your struggle and your torment, and I get it. Sadly I have been there too, in the pit of despair and feeling unworthy or not enough, but I am here to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel if you believe in it and keep pushing forward every day. I’ve been divorced for four years this December, five if you count the year of separation with its own soap opera script of surprises, after a 21 year marriage plus four years together leading up to the wedding. Half of my life.

    You’re right, we lose as stay at home parents. The system is slanted and turns a blind eye, it’s unbelievable in this day and age that the system is still so archaic and allows for this type of treatment to continue to happen.

    This year is the first time that I have felt almost normal, started dating with intent, and feel happy with my life. In the middle of a pandemic no less! Out of the fire, rising from the ashes, determined to have a good life in spite of him and his narcissistic punishments. You will get there, you will, and your children will love you for it and for all of your struggles. Wish I could hug you ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much! Hopefully I’ll get where you are one day. It’s been many years already for me. I have no love for him. That’s not what this is about. It is just so much to push past and it’s constant. I think that’s it, the push forward is always met with resistance and not ease. The words you don’t believe, the treatment you didn’t deserve, and the discarding you didn’t think would happen…it all gets in even when you rationally knew it wasn’t true or something you deserved. I guess sometimes that’s shocking too. I fought so hard to keep my mind strong, resist the insults and gaslighting and some of it still made its way in.

      I’m so happy to read that you’ve found normal again. I so hope I will (such a strange thing to say). I hope your dating leads you to someone who deserves you and gives you the things you should’ve always had in a partner. It gives me hope hearing you’re living happily. It sounds so light and free 🙂❤️.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s a long road for sure, and I definitely have no love for my ex. I read a meme recently that said “you know you are truly healed when your ex is no longer your type” and to that I say “amen!” Dating has its own set of issues, and I need to work on trust and being able to reveal my true self. Baby steps for sure.

        I wish you the best and for the light at the end of the tunnel to move closer for you. I will keep reading your blog and hopefully you know that you are not alone, there is someone out there who will listen without judgement and will cheer you on with every step forward ❤

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s