I don’t wanna

Lately I’m tired. I can’t write. Too distracted to read much. Too worried to sleep. I’m so over my thoughts. I’m getting on my own nerves. Haha. That is pretty rough.

November is creeping up. I feel it behind me…nails on chalkboard creepers. Go away! Can’t we just skip to December. These months….they don’t bring out the best in me. I’m just sitting on the edge. Perched and waiting to jump. The bottom always falls out. Always in November. Come on bitch. I’m ready. Put up your dukes (seriously don’t take me seriously 😒). I do fear November. That’s no joke.

Rest come to me. I need to prepare my mental bomb shelter.

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It lives and breathes but it shouldn’t.

It is where it all began.

Where they began.

Where they started.

It’s where we started.

It lives and breathes.

It’s where they said yes.

It’s where they changed me.

It where the love was more than I ever knew.

It’s where they came to me.

It’s where my smile hurt my cheeks.

It’s where I was happy.

It lives and breathes.

It’s where they watched me live.

It’s where the clean garage waited for visits that could only be in the car… until they were no more.

It’s where a placed a bench in the yard for you to sit and watch when the stairs were too hard…until they were no more.

It’s where I was when the loss of you made the air leave my lungs, my throat sting, and my eyes hurt from crying. It’s where you left me.

It lives and breathes.

It’s where they came and where their last breathes were released.

It lives and breathes.

It’s the place that kept me safe and hid my tears.

It never judged me when I fell apart and slept more than lived.

It held me in its walls when you let me go.

It surrounded me and the babies and kept our love safe.

It lives and breathes.

It lives and breathes.

It lives and breathes.

Moment I can’t be in🙄.

Why is it so difficult to be in the moment. I just want to be doing what I’m doing without my mind wandering everywhere. The only time I can truly invest and be is when I become a kid with my kids. When I’m not just watching them race in the pool, I’m racing them too. When I’m not ohhing and ahhing over their water slide tricks but I’m on that water slide too. Watching from the sidelines never does me any favors. So can someone take all this left over sadness. Take the worry and hurt. Can someone take away the anxiety and just let me be. I just want to be.

Tucks & Love

The nights are always more intense. When things are good and when things are bad. It’s like the darkness intensifies the emotions inside.

I check on my children every night before crawling in my own bed. I kiss their precious little heads. I re-tuck them and return their stuffedees that have fallen on the floor. I hurt for them as I know they want more. They want both their parents in the same home.

There are nights when my daughter opens her eyes and looks at me briefly. I can see she’s trying to focus. I can see the little bit of hope in her sleepiness that it might be her daddy, like old times, when he’d kiss them too. She stopped saying long ago, I thought daddy was here too. Mommy, is daddy ever coming home again? Those questions stopped coming long ago. My son doesn’t even remember us living together anymore. He will never remember a real family. Every night, every single night I morn the loss of that life for them.

I hear all the time from people…medical doctors, psychiatrists, family, and friends, children are resilient and they’ll be fine. If this were true we wouldn’t have so many screwed up adults carrying around baggage from their childhoods. That’s what’s wrong with my ex. I’m sure of it. Children aren’t resilient. They just don’t have choices.

Anyway….these things keep me up at night. I hope I’m enough. I hope I’m not too damaged to be the best mother I can be. I just wanted more for them. I really did.

❤️~If Only Mommy

Drop

It’s the release of letting go.

Straightening your fingers.

Accept it falling away.

See it suck towards the horizon.

Away.

Far away.

Allowing it to be gone.

Trusting your most basic instincts.

Knowing what they don’t even know about themselves.

Refusing to grab hold.

Resisting the need to repair.

Forward moving in thoughts and actions.

Staying true to myself.

Searching the paths to fit us three.

Never denying fear or sadness.

Reaching for hope.

Breathing.

Living.

Me.