Being a Good Parent

Long ago when all I could do was imagine my grown up life one day, I was being parented by good parents.  They gave me space with limits.  They weren’t  perfect but I sure knew to say, “Yes, Ma’am and Yes, Sir”, respect my elders, how to write a thank you note, and how it was important to give to others.  I was taught to respect myself and to not ever give up too.  And above all, I was told I was loved and I was.  I knew my parents loved me.  I never had reason to doubt it.  

Then one day came and just like that, I was a parent.  I was shocked by the amount of love I felt instantly for this little, tiny, baby and I was amazed that I never knew how much my parents actually loved me!  I couldn’t believe what I thought wasn’t even close and I understood them so much more.  

Everyday since becoming a parent I’ve tried my hardest to be the best mother I could be.  I’ve had visions of who I wanted to be as a mother my entire life and every day I attempt being her.  I wouldn’t have a clue how to do it if my own mother hadn’t been so great.  To be a great parent, the easiest way is to be from great parents.  We repeat the patterns we’ve been taught to repeat.  If we don’t have great parents, we’ve known someone we thought was one and we could possibly try to copy their patterns.  Or maybe if we needed an example we could find guidance.  With the love I felt for my children, I’m sure I would have tried my hardest, even if I hadn’t been shown the best examples. 

Today I’m baffled by how many parents fail at their job.  They disappear or are selfish.  They’re lazy and don’t care.  Maybe they’re just doing what was done to them.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that we all should try to be better parents than the ones we had.  Even if ours were pretty great.  If yours weren’t, why wouldn’t you envision your own childhood and give them what you wished you had?  Why is that so hard.  Remember yourself as a child and heal yourself by being a better parent than the one that failed you.  How could you not try?

I’m lucky that I had two parents that loved me.  I really am.  I was lucky enough to have 2 healthy happy children.  I have not been lucky in lots of other ways.  I will never let that affect who I am as a parent to my babies.  I wish others could feel that same way too.  I wish before cheaters cheated they’d think about how this could hurt their children.  I wish before abusers beat or ripped someone apart with words, they’d think about how that was changing their children forever.  I wish that when people do seperate and/or eventually divorce that they would put their children before their dating life or their social life.  It makes children feel last when they constantly feel like they’re last in place in your priorities.  

I’ve seen an article floating around Facebook lately about letting your children know you’re the most important person in your family, not them.  I get the point of this article but it doesn’t read right to me.  How about let’s put family first and together as a unit our family is most important.  Not any one member.  That just sounds better to me. Family.  We should all try to have better families even when it’s just a mom and her two kids, like me. 

Much Love ~ iom

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Lessons to Learn

Sunset on 15

Life is my heart beating.  Life is my chest rising up and down…air filling and releasing.  Life is blood pulsating through my veins. Keeping me warm.  Life is my thoughts.  Life happens without my help and life happens with it but one thing I know, there aren’t always answers.  It’s not always automatic.  There aren’t always reasons why.

Everything that has ever happened to me, painful things, I’ve had to learn from every angle.  When they resurface, after I’m far into healing, it always comes through someone else.  Someone I love but just in reverse.  I have to learn to understand the other side.  I don’t understand how this keeps happening over and over again but I can’t help but wonder…what lesson am I suppose to learn?  What did I miss the first time?

Am I suppose to learn that I can have compassion for myself and for someone else doing to someone else what was done to me?  It’s hard.  It hurts and it opens old wounds that I’ve worked hard healing.  I have a hard time just turning my back on anyone.  I don’t like when it’s done to me, but sometimes I want to.  Sometimes I want to run, but I can’t.  I can’t desert someone I love when they’re clearly hurting.  When it’s obvious they’ve lost their way.  It’s evident that they need support so I must push through.  I must start again and try not to let it affect me.  At least not outwardly.  Now it needs to be private pain because this isn’t about me.  

I miss my boring married life where there were routines and patterns.  I miss knowing how my days would turn out and how the nights would end.  I miss being held and comforted at night.  I miss being loved.  I miss being touched and kissed and treasured.  I miss loving too.  I miss giving my love.  I love to love.  

How can I learn to be selfish.  Learn to take care of myself and focus on my new future. How do people put their needs above everyone else’s? I don’t mean my children.  Their needs will always be more important than mine but what about everyone else?  I’m not built like this but leaving my needs and my self behind, last in line, isn’t going to secure my future and I have to do it alone.  Relying on or needing anyone ever again isn’t going to happen.  I just hope to love again.  

I’m feeling lost and sad about the things I’ve been hearing about.  I’m just happy that my normal is pretty solid.  I’m just surrounded by so many things that are not.  So many people that are hiding many, many secrets.  People making huge mistakes and not caring about one another.  It worries me.  

We must find a better way. 
must find a better way. Happiness, love, simple joys, good conversations, passionate  kisses…that’s not too much to wish for, is it?

🦄🍀🌻 iom

Porn.  Is it what you dreamed of?

Last night I received a text, from my ex, in response to me asking if he forgot to pay child support that said,  “You gonna get busy being a survivor? Or be a victim for the rest of your life.”  This because I asked for the money he is suppose to give me but doesn’t want to.  This is after I heard he’s been at one of the local strip clubs this week.  This is after I know he is taking women out on pricey dates.  This is after surviving the mind fuck he tried to ruin me with.  His porn addiction gone astray to becoming a full blown sex addict.  He has done things that would make your skin crawl.  He wants to insult me.  He likes to throw around the word victim as an insult just the way he use to call me a fucking cunt after I’d bust him doing something awful.  He likes to flip it and try to insult me when he’s the one doing wrong.  Not me.

If that wasn’t enough to make me scream, I received a phone call that completely blindsided me.  I can’t even admit who it was about yet, because I can’t believe it.  It is someone I love very much.  He is losing his family because of porn.  Again someone else started with porn and moved on to something much worse.  Prioritizing porn and sex addiction ahead of everything.  Before his family and now he, like my ex, may lose everything that makes him normal.  I promise he’s not ready to face his problem.  He’s saying all the right words but will he follow it up with actions?  Only time will tell but I will say, I don’t think anyone knows how hard this is going to be.  

There has been evidence of sexual obsession as far back as you want to look.  Artists have created images of taboo sexual actions for hundreds and hundreds of years.  Soon after photography entered our world so did naked photos and sexual explicit images.  Stag films entered after movies were invented.  Most were exclusively for men but not anymore.  Women have been degrading themselves for too long.  These women are someone’s daughters.  All these women were once innocent little girls dreaming of fairy tale endings.

Porn is a forbidden fruit.  It is easily and secretly obtained in family homes across America and every other country in our world.  It is splitting apart our families.  It is stealing joy and creating misery.  Couple after couple after couple are not happy.  This is based on unhappy sex lives.  One  partner has watched too many pornos and the other feels like an object and not loved.  Partners are expected to be physically perfect like the plastic images on the screen.  We are expected to be “Randy and Ready” for whatever, whenever without complaint.  All because people have watched and obsessed about insane, unrealistic performances on screen for years.  If you won’t allow someone to stretch out your asshole with a butt plug the size of a horses head while being pegged by a viagra inhanced dick, someone pinching, pulling, and assalting nipples of massive, bouncing, surgically inhanced breasts, while smacking each other’s faces, and calling each other motherfucker, whore, asshole, and dirty slut, then you may just be too boring sexually to satisfy your partner’s needs.  Seriously…come on! I’m adventurous in my sexual escapades but no way in a thousand hells will I ever let someone stick a horse head butt plug in my ass people!!!  All because someone, somewhere decided to ask a struggling actor to do ridiculous things on screen, making it appear normal.  Now people idolize these images and performances and expect this from their partners.  When partners can’t perform like this, they’re blamed for not satisfying them in the bedroom causing them to to look elsewhere.  Divorces occur and our families are breaking up, causing a ripple effect of misery because no one can satisfy their sexual needs.  They don’t consider their sexual needs are unrealistic and based on bullshit porn they’ve obsessed about since they first saw their first naked image.  They’ve been mind fucked by the porn industry and they haven’t been fucked alone.  It’s so widely available now in our internet obsessed worlds that now people can’t live normal lives.  They can’t shake these images and walk around in their normal jobs with half hardies and damp panties wanting to be fucked in the break rooms by someone else’s spouse.

I’m exhausted with all this bullshit.  I’m not an innocent in this either.  I’ve seen.  I’ve looked. BUT I’ve never obsessed.  I’ve looked out of curiosity but this curiosity is how it started for the sex addicted.  They allowed their minds to be seduced and conquered and now our futures are in jeopardy.  

I just don’t know what we’re suppose to do to stop it.  It’s out of control.  If you don’t believe me understand this, people in your church, in the pew beside you, are obsessing about porn and aren’t listening to the sermon.  They’re visualizing the sexual assault watched, that morning, on their cellphones as their spouse took a shower, and their children were glued to the tv.  This forbidden fruit is ruining our families.   Children are craving their parents attention and not getting it because currently they are the nuisance that is in the way of getting off to some porn.  So these porn addicted parents act irritated and mean because this addiction has taken over their lives.

I’m sickened.  I’m tired of hearing about another family lost to this.  No more Christmases, no more birthdays, no more happy homes.  Porn wins and we lose.  

🖕🏻Fuck you porn.  
You’re the gateway to hell.
The gateway to misery.

-iom

A Pair

I miss being part of a pair.  I see couples, married, joking and having fun.  Laughing together at their kids or smiling together watching their kids accomplish something.  That was one of the things that ol’ Cheater McCheaterson said to me, that wasn’t awful, that he didn’t want to miss me looking back at him smiling about something one of our kids just did.  Smiling and proud and happy.  That was one of the things that seemed  real and heart felt but probably was manipulative.  I despise this personality disorder from which he suffers.  You can’t take anything at face value.  Even if some things are just that….just as they seem.  I can never trust that they are.

I really miss having someone to snuggle with on the couch.  I miss holding hands and hugs in the kitchen.  I even miss ass grabs…and dry humps from behind when I was incredibly too busy.  It was all silly and playful. I realize these were just crumbs.  There were tons of low blows and jabs along the ways.  There was always resistance and always criticism.  I was willing to love through all of that, with only crumbs.  I don’t think I thought I deserved better but I knew I didn’t deserve infidelity.  Not the first time, which I was willing to forgive if he would’ve been willing to do the work.  The 2nd, more disgusting time, during the time he was suppose to be working to repair our marriage, was just too much for anyone to take.  Then all the mean stuff afterwards.  

I miss being a part of a pair.  I miss the visions I had of our future.  Shit, I miss having happy visions of my future.  Now all I have fear.  Fear not knowing what to do.  Fear of not knowing how to do it.  Fear from not having my parents to help me figure it all out, even if only emotionally.  Their encouragement helped me push through the fear before.  Knowing they’d help if I needed them to, helped too.  Even if I never needed them, knowing they were there mattered.  Lately at night I have been lying in my marriage bed, starring at the ceiling, and wondering how the hell I got here.  Will I always been alone?  Will I ever be comfortable with anyone else.  Do I even want to try?  Then I think I’m not ready but I’m not getting any younger.  Getting older makes me feel ugly.  I wanted to grow old with someone.  A pair of oldies.  Didn’t seem as bad that way.  Men seem to look good when they age.  Women sometimes just look old.  It’s totally not fair.  Maybe I need Botox.  Maybe a pair of Botox injections.  

It’s raining.  I’m moody in the rain.  Sad and moody rain girl wishing for a spoon 🙄.  Needing some sunshine.  

☀️ 🌈 🍀-iom

Always a Spare 

I wonder often if I will always feel that I never have anything with anyone that is special between us. Life has lead me to believe I do not hold these positions alone but that most people have a backup or a spare if I fail them or they tire of me.  That I’m easily replaceable and not unique. In fact I’m so replaceable that they have someone just like me, waiting in the wings if I should mess up or miss step. The thing is, I know this is not true.  I know that I am very unique and special to everyone I’m close to. Emotionally I feel that thinking like that is foolish and everyone uses me for their own personal gain or need. That I need to open my eyes and protect myself at all cost.  Never be a fool ever again.  Run away before they turn their back on you….leaving you in the dust and never looking back. 

I miss my rose colored glasses.  I dislike the way I question most kind things that are said to me. I don’t like feeling I’ve failed if anyone needs me less, wants me less, desires me less. I can’t beat these triggers. They own me. If someone wants too much of me I push against them because it feels like a setup. I feel like I’m being made a fool out of. I feel everyone knows the truth but me, so I push back with such force to scare them away. Protecting my heart feels more important to me right now. Not letting anyone in again feels safe. Being alone makes more sense. Getting hurt is harder than it use to be and a lot of people don’t care if they hurt you. As long as you don’t hurt them and for goodness sake, move out of their way, they’re done with you. Don’t be pathetic. You lost your place in line.

A wounded bird can’t take more before she’s healed. She has to be careful.  She has to protect her nest. She can’t come undone for anyone to take advantage of her tender heart. No one can possibly understand. She doesn’t even.

🌷iom

A Look at the Past

I started another site years ago before switching to this one.  I’m not sure why I did that.  I’m sure I wasn’t thinking clearly about anything and something felt wrong so I just abandoned my previous site, although I barely wrote anything there.  Occasionally I’ll get a ping that someone has started following the site or commented on one of my old post but mostly I ignore it and act like it doesn’t exist without actually deleting it.  This morning I wanted to look at it and I was shocked that I started it 4 years ago.  Over 4 years of living in this bullshit with a man who use to be my husband and a man I don’t even recognize anymore.  It’s all so surreal.

I guess I’ve gotten far but I am still not where I want to be.  I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.  I’ve been through a massive amount of abuse.  I’ve raised two children during this process without breaking and keeping their lives as normal as possible.  I’ve buried both parents and barely had time to mourn either one of them.  I’ve dealt with two affairs, one, the first one, seemed pretty typical of affairs….husband sleeps with single women who treats him like he’s the best thing she’s ever met,  treats him like he is God’s gift to women.  He thinks he falling in love with her and so the kids and I don’t exist.  We stand in the way of his happiness.  He moves out but in under a year he moves back in after leaving the other woman. He in the process rents an apartment on the sly where he has another affair secretly with a stripper.  I’m pretty sure he paid for her to live there.  Like he was keeping her or owning her but still coming home from work everyday (for probably 3 months before the disappearing started again) and living like a family man.  He just wasn’t going to work, he was going to his secret apartment.  So basically I’ve been through hell and this is just touching on some of the major points.  Returning to the original point, reading this post from 4 years ago I felt so awful for the me who wrote it.  She didn’t know what was to come.  She didn’t know how much worse it would get.  She seemed so broken already.  So timid almost.  So unsure of herself.  So shrunken.

This is my post from 4 years ago.

Marriage was supposed to be my happily ever after.  In ways it was and in many ways it wasn’t but the best thing that ever happen to me came from this marriage, my children.  Did I not do enough to make my marriage work.  Maybe.  I could have tried harder.  Everyone could try harder.  Did I deserve what was done to me, no.  Hell no!  No one deserves to be treated badly.  The list of how I failed through his eyes.

  1. Sex everyday.
  2. Do what he asked me to do regarding our children.
  3. Make sure the house was clean when he got home.  No scattered toys.
  4. Make sure no toys are in his garage spot when he gets home from work.
  5. Spend a minimal amount of money.
  6. Don’t leave him to long with the kids alone.
  7. Let him do what he wants without complaining.
  8. Don’t be offended when he criticizes everything I cook.
  9. Teach the kids to do as he says not as he does.
  10. Take blame for any bad behavior of our kids.
  11. Never ask to look at our finances.

My list was different.

  1. To love me unconditionally.
  2. To treat me kindly.
  3. The be my friend and lover.
  4. To spend time with us as a family.
  5. Be treated as an equal.
  6. Think of me.
  7. Support me when I’m feeling weak.
  8. Love our children.
  9. Work daily on our marriage.
  10. Be transparent.
  11. Parent with me as a team.
  12. Surprise me sometimes.
  13. Be loyal and trustworthy.

We couldn’t work it out.  I tried.  I tried alone.  Marriage is complicated and anyone not working at it….quitters.

***************************************************************

What a douche bag he was and is.  How lucky he was to have any time with me.  Jerkoff.  He was LUCKY.  He still is because I’m sure I could RUIN his life, but I don’t.  What good will that do.  He is extremely lucky I tolerate his existence at all but for our children, I can do so much.  I seriously deserve an Oscar.  This acting I do is superb…top notch.  Haha!

One thing that does make me sad is knowing I will never ever get to see our babies run to greet their daddy when he arrives home from work.  It was a special memory.  One they probably won’t even remember.  It just belongs to me.

Life is unpredictable but it is also great.  No one ever promised me it would be easy.  I’m not sure it’s meant to be.  I just need to decide how I want to rest of it to go and try my hardest to make it happen.

Love,

IOM

 

 

 

Red Flags and Narcissist  

There can never be enough said about this subject of red flags.  When you begin a relationship with someone and there’s just something that feels off, pay attention.  Your intuition is usually right on.  Please don’t push down these feelings because you think, you’re too cautious, you’re imagining things because you’re afraid to be hurt, or maybe you don’t want to lose what appears to be a great man (or woman but I’ll be referring to this person as a man.  Flip it to suite you) to be with forever.  When you have a feeling in your gut, don’t be afraid to question it and if you’re met with answers that aren’t answers or ignored, pay attention.  Something isn’t right.

When there are Red Flags in the beginning of a relationship don’t trick yourself in believing the issues will work themselves out.  They will but at the expense of losing yourself completely and being bullied and abused for years or for life.  Losing yourself isn’t worth it.  Losing someone who seems like everything except something doesn’t feel right, isn’t worth losing yourself over.  Take your time before ever marrying someone like this or just even being in a committed relationship with someone like this.  Find the answers out!  Don’t commit to anyone that doesn’t feel 100% right.   Don’t ignore the signs!  The signs, the red flags, are signs that this may be a bad decision. I wish I hadn’t ignored mine but again, I was young and in love.  

Red flags are real.  Trust your gut.  It never lies.  ❤️