I knew a storm was brewing within me. I knew. The pep talk I wrote to myself yesterday was my last attempt to push it away. It didn’t work. I mean, I still believe and mean every word I said and this unsettled feeling I feel inside isn’t because I don’t believe I can’t live my life that way. This churning inside me is because I’m so disappointed and so upset about how my life has turned out. I mean what did I do to deserve this? Where in my life did I make the ultimate mistake, unforgivable sin that I deserved everything that has come to me?
My proudest moments in my life revolved around my family. When my daughter was born, I quit my job to stay at home and care for her just like my mother did. I had such a special bond with my mom and I felt that bond began from her being with me, at home, teaching me, loving me, taking care of me….being there at home. I wanted to be the same type of mother to my children. I was. I enjoyed doing it, even though it can be quite isolating when they’re young, especially when you have a hard baby and my daughter was. She cried for 3 months. Screamed and cried constantly. It was hard but I loved her more than anyone I’d ever loved and I did it. I was proud of myself. When my second came faster than planned, I handled it. I had 2 under 2 and a dying mother. I just did it. I was a good mother and a good daughter even when I had no time for me. I didn’t even think about it. I made time for my husband in there too, loving him, taking care of him. I was proud of my family and loved my family. Then what seemed like a moment in time it was gone and I didn’t have a say in it. Gone. Now what gave me such pride, staying home to raise my children has crippled me. Getting a job is intimidating as hell but I can’t keep living on child and spousal support and savings like this. I need to put more in than I’m taking out. On a good day I make a good impression. I know people, I have connections but it’s been a long time and my confidence has plumated. I also don’t want to work my ass off and have zero time with my children. Being a single mom is probably something employers try to avoid. I know they don’t have to know but it sucks that that is how it has to go. Act like my kids don’t exist until I get hired. Feels wrong but I know it’s necessary.
The kids and I still have each other. We are the 3 musketeers but I’m not the mother I wanted to be. I’m not the mother I could have been, with a tiny bit of support. No, I’m snappy and exhausted. I’m not consistent and I worry often about some creep trying to take advantage of me, because I’m a single mom and exhausted, to get to my children. I’ve obviously watched too many 20/20s or Datelines. I don’t want my children to be a statistic. I would never forgive myself if I missed something. I never wanted to be a single mom.
I can’t sleep at night. Nights are so lonely. I just stare at the ceiling and think, I am my children’s everything and what if I’m not enough. I have to protect them, provide for them, care for them, teach them, encourage them, and love them all by myself. If someone breaks in my house, I’m the person who’ll have to protect them. My dad was that person for me. I shouldn’t think these things but I can’t control it. It’s all so overwhelming. People give me advice but not often does anyone offer to help me. I don’t ask for help either. 1 kid people are usually eager to help with but 2, especially 2 that are wild, like mine….no one is offering. Not often. Everyone has their own lives. I get it. I understand. This is my life. I should handle it. It’s just so lonely. So scary. I mean how am I suppose to be the mom I could be like this? I can’t be. That’s the reality. I can only be what I can be and alone, I can’t be great. I can be good but great needs a partner. Who’s got time to find one. Not me. My children come first. They always will.
Maybe I’m just exhausted. I finally fell asleep last night around 3:30 and my daughter started throwing up at 4:00. I didn’t go back to sleep. I’m exhausted but I’m not going to be able to sleep. The thoughts keep me full of fear that I can’t shake and I just wait for the sun to rise. I don’t know if it will ever change. I always have hope but it seems something is always trying to knock me down. My dumbass keeps smiling like a fool, full of hope just to get smacked down again. Groundhog Day. I hate feeling this way. I feel defeated. Like a failure. I’m almost embarrassed to post but, screw it. I can’t believe I allowed someone to make me feel so unsure of my value. My old self wouldn’t recognize me now.