5 years

My son’s birthday just past and in the middle of the celebration I realized how I’ve been living the last 5 years.  My son turned 7 but when he was 2 my husband cheated on me, probably not the first time, but the first time he was caught.  Everything I thought I knew was gone in an instant and I was left there…crumbling.  Every inch of me hurt.  I hurt for my children, I hurt for myself, I hurt from the rejection, and I hurt because the one person I let in and trusted, betrayed me in the rawest, cruelest way possible.  Ever since that day I’ve been crawling out of the sink hole that sucked me down.  Everyday o linger somewhere between broken & defeated and happy and determined.  Every day I fight weakness and claim strength.  Everyday I feel the doubt creeping up and I run from it.  Everyday.

Everyday I feel ugly but tell myself I’m not.

Everyday I feel not good enough but I know that I am.

Everyday I battle.

One day I will win.

One day.

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Fighting depression is no joke.  It is a fight that I struggle with.  Not every day but a lot of the days.  Today I can’t shake missing my family.  The way it was supposed to be.  The way that it was at times.  It makes me sad that the good memories are fading.

Sometimes it’s like it’s swallowing me whole but I can’t explain that to anyone who hasn’t experienced it.  Some people move on faster than others and I’m not one of those who can.  Maybe if it had been just me I would’ve already moved on to someone else but with our kids in the mix, it makes it much harder for me.  I know that this depression has a hold on me…I certainly don’t enjoy things like I use to or like I should.  I tire of people painting these fairy tale pictures of how it’s going to be.  They have no idea what all of this has done to me and they don’t get how my ex isn’t going to be better, change, or be reliable to help with our children.  I will never be able to call him and ask him to pick up our kids because I’m stuck in traffic or when I start working I get stuck at work. He will never be that person.  When the kids were in preschool and my dad was sick, I asked him about 3 times to pick up one of the kids because I was still at the hospital and every time I’d get a call from the school to ask if we had forgotten to pick them up and that they would be in the office waiting. I’d have to leave the hospital and rush to get them and when I called him to ask him why, he’d say I was being ridiculous that he was about to go get them.  He wasn’t.

I just wish I was one of those people who breezed through life effortlessly.  I think I deserved that.  I know I’m a good person.  I know I didn’t deserve this.   I don’t know.  I’m just bummed out sometimes about the way things have turned out.  Then I get mad at myself for feeling that way and not being thankful for what I have.  Many people have it much worse.  It still doesn’t mean that it’s not hard.  It doesn’t mean that I’m not constantly fighting and I’m not constantly scared.  Maybe I’m not strong enough.  Maybe I’m just meant to fail at everything.  Maybe my purpose is for other people to feel good about their lives.  Wow what a pity party.  Usually when I dip down this low I bounce back quickly.  Fingers crossed that happens ASAP.

✌🏻 iom

Scared of Love

This song is pretty hot and I like it. The verse that says You’ve been scared of love and what it did to you.  You don’t have to run,  I know what you’ve been through…and the rest of that, yeah that pretty much sells it for me.  If I was dating someone right now they could surely use this song to their advantage because I am scared of love…and what its done to me. It would just be great to meet someone who could be patient. Other than the trust thing,  I’m pretty great you know.   True story.

Love to all of you beautiful people.

-iom

 

Fear Inside

When you always feel that pull at your core but you keep going like it’s not there.  Constant resistance.  I constantly fight it.  One day it will release me.  

A Look at the Past

I started another site years ago before switching to this one.  I’m not sure why I did that.  I’m sure I wasn’t thinking clearly about anything and something felt wrong so I just abandoned my previous site, although I barely wrote anything there.  Occasionally I’ll get a ping that someone has started following the site or commented on one of my old post but mostly I ignore it and act like it doesn’t exist without actually deleting it.  This morning I wanted to look at it and I was shocked that I started it 4 years ago.  Over 4 years of living in this bullshit with a man who use to be my husband and a man I don’t even recognize anymore.  It’s all so surreal.

I guess I’ve gotten far but I am still not where I want to be.  I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.  I’ve been through a massive amount of abuse.  I’ve raised two children during this process without breaking and keeping their lives as normal as possible.  I’ve buried both parents and barely had time to mourn either one of them.  I’ve dealt with two affairs, one, the first one, seemed pretty typical of affairs….husband sleeps with single women who treats him like he’s the best thing she’s ever met,  treats him like he is God’s gift to women.  He thinks he falling in love with her and so the kids and I don’t exist.  We stand in the way of his happiness.  He moves out but in under a year he moves back in after leaving the other woman. He in the process rents an apartment on the sly where he has another affair secretly with a stripper.  I’m pretty sure he paid for her to live there.  Like he was keeping her or owning her but still coming home from work everyday (for probably 3 months before the disappearing started again) and living like a family man.  He just wasn’t going to work, he was going to his secret apartment.  So basically I’ve been through hell and this is just touching on some of the major points.  Returning to the original point, reading this post from 4 years ago I felt so awful for the me who wrote it.  She didn’t know what was to come.  She didn’t know how much worse it would get.  She seemed so broken already.  So timid almost.  So unsure of herself.  So shrunken.

This is my post from 4 years ago.

Marriage was supposed to be my happily ever after.  In ways it was and in many ways it wasn’t but the best thing that ever happen to me came from this marriage, my children.  Did I not do enough to make my marriage work.  Maybe.  I could have tried harder.  Everyone could try harder.  Did I deserve what was done to me, no.  Hell no!  No one deserves to be treated badly.  The list of how I failed through his eyes.

  1. Sex everyday.
  2. Do what he asked me to do regarding our children.
  3. Make sure the house was clean when he got home.  No scattered toys.
  4. Make sure no toys are in his garage spot when he gets home from work.
  5. Spend a minimal amount of money.
  6. Don’t leave him to long with the kids alone.
  7. Let him do what he wants without complaining.
  8. Don’t be offended when he criticizes everything I cook.
  9. Teach the kids to do as he says not as he does.
  10. Take blame for any bad behavior of our kids.
  11. Never ask to look at our finances.

My list was different.

  1. To love me unconditionally.
  2. To treat me kindly.
  3. The be my friend and lover.
  4. To spend time with us as a family.
  5. Be treated as an equal.
  6. Think of me.
  7. Support me when I’m feeling weak.
  8. Love our children.
  9. Work daily on our marriage.
  10. Be transparent.
  11. Parent with me as a team.
  12. Surprise me sometimes.
  13. Be loyal and trustworthy.

We couldn’t work it out.  I tried.  I tried alone.  Marriage is complicated and anyone not working at it….quitters.

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What a douche bag he was and is.  How lucky he was to have any time with me.  Jerkoff.  He was LUCKY.  He still is because I’m sure I could RUIN his life, but I don’t.  What good will that do.  He is extremely lucky I tolerate his existence at all but for our children, I can do so much.  I seriously deserve an Oscar.  This acting I do is superb…top notch.  Haha!

One thing that does make me sad is knowing I will never ever get to see our babies run to greet their daddy when he arrives home from work.  It was a special memory.  One they probably won’t even remember.  It just belongs to me.

Life is unpredictable but it is also great.  No one ever promised me it would be easy.  I’m not sure it’s meant to be.  I just need to decide how I want to rest of it to go and try my hardest to make it happen.

Love,

IOM

 

 

 

Red Flags and Narcissist  

There can never be enough said about this subject of red flags.  When you begin a relationship with someone and there’s just something that feels off, pay attention.  Your intuition is usually right on.  Please don’t push down these feelings because you think, you’re too cautious, you’re imagining things because you’re afraid to be hurt, or maybe you don’t want to lose what appears to be a great man (or woman but I’ll be referring to this person as a man.  Flip it to suite you) to be with forever.  When you have a feeling in your gut, don’t be afraid to question it and if you’re met with answers that aren’t answers or ignored, pay attention.  Something isn’t right.

When there are Red Flags in the beginning of a relationship don’t trick yourself in believing the issues will work themselves out.  They will but at the expense of losing yourself completely and being bullied and abused for years or for life.  Losing yourself isn’t worth it.  Losing someone who seems like everything except something doesn’t feel right, isn’t worth losing yourself over.  Take your time before ever marrying someone like this or just even being in a committed relationship with someone like this.  Find the answers out!  Don’t commit to anyone that doesn’t feel 100% right.   Don’t ignore the signs!  The signs, the red flags, are signs that this may be a bad decision. I wish I hadn’t ignored mine but again, I was young and in love.  

Red flags are real.  Trust your gut.  It never lies.  ❤️

A Storm is Brewing

I knew a storm was brewing within me.  I knew.  The pep talk I wrote to myself yesterday was my last attempt to push it away.  It didn’t work.  I mean, I still believe and mean every word I said and this unsettled feeling I feel inside isn’t because I don’t believe I can’t live my life that way.  This churning inside me is because I’m so disappointed and so upset about how my life has turned out.  I mean what did I do to deserve this?  Where in my life did I make the ultimate mistake, unforgivable sin that I deserved everything that has come to me?

My proudest moments in my life revolved around my family.  When my daughter was born, I quit my job to stay at home and care for her just like my mother did.  I had such a special bond with my mom and I felt that bond began from her being with me, at home, teaching me, loving me, taking care of me….being there at home.  I wanted to be the same type of mother to my children.  I was.  I enjoyed doing it, even though it can be quite isolating when they’re young, especially when you have a hard baby and my daughter was.  She cried for 3 months.  Screamed and cried constantly.  It was hard but I loved her more than anyone I’d ever loved and I did it. I was proud of myself.  When my second came faster than planned, I handled it.  I had 2 under 2 and a dying mother.  I just did it.  I was a good mother and a good daughter even when I had no time for me.  I didn’t even think about it.  I made time for my husband in there too, loving him, taking care of him.  I was proud of my family and loved my family.  Then what seemed like a moment in time it was gone and I didn’t have a say in it.  Gone.  Now what gave me such pride, staying home to raise my children has crippled me.  Getting a job is intimidating as hell but I can’t keep living on child and spousal support and savings like this.  I need to put more in than I’m taking out.  On a good day I make a good impression.  I know people, I have connections but it’s been a long time and my confidence has plumated.  I also don’t want to work my ass off and have zero time with my children.  Being a single mom is probably something employers try to avoid.  I know they don’t have to know but it sucks that that is how it has to go.  Act like my kids don’t exist until I get hired.  Feels wrong but I know it’s necessary.  

The kids and I still have each other.  We are the 3 musketeers but I’m not the mother I wanted to be.  I’m not the mother I could have been, with a tiny bit of support.  No, I’m snappy and exhausted.  I’m not consistent and I worry often about some creep trying to take advantage of me, because I’m a single mom and exhausted, to get to my children. I’ve obviously watched too many 20/20s or Datelines.  I don’t want my children to be a statistic.  I would never forgive myself if I missed something.  I never wanted to be a single mom.

I can’t sleep at night.  Nights are so lonely.  I just stare at the ceiling and think, I am my children’s everything and what if I’m not enough.  I have to protect them, provide for them, care for them, teach them, encourage them, and love them all by myself.  If someone breaks in my house, I’m the person who’ll have to protect them.  My dad was that person for me.  I shouldn’t think these things but I can’t control it.  It’s all so overwhelming.  People give me advice but not often does anyone offer to help me.  I don’t ask for help either.  1 kid people are usually eager to help with but 2, especially 2 that are wild, like mine….no one is offering.  Not often.  Everyone has their own lives.  I get it.  I understand.  This is my life.  I should handle it.  It’s just so lonely.  So scary.  I mean how am I suppose to be the mom I could be like this?  I can’t be.  That’s the reality.  I can only be what I can be and alone, I can’t be great.  I can be good but great needs a partner.  Who’s got time to find one.  Not me.  My children come first.  They always will.  

Maybe I’m just exhausted.  I finally fell asleep last night around 3:30 and my daughter started throwing up at 4:00.  I didn’t go back to sleep.  I’m exhausted but I’m not going to be able to sleep.  The thoughts keep me full of fear that I can’t shake and I just wait for the sun to rise.  I don’t know if it will ever change.  I always have hope but it seems something is always trying to knock me down.  My dumbass keeps smiling like a fool, full of hope just to get smacked down again.  Groundhog Day.  I hate feeling this way.  I feel defeated.  Like a failure.  I’m almost embarrassed to post but, screw it.  I can’t believe I allowed someone to make me feel so unsure of my value.  My old self wouldn’t recognize me now.