5 years

My son’s birthday just past and in the middle of the celebration I realized how I’ve been living the last 5 years.  My son turned 7 but when he was 2 my husband cheated on me, probably not the first time, but the first time he was caught.  Everything I thought I knew was gone in an instant and I was left there…crumbling.  Every inch of me hurt.  I hurt for my children, I hurt for myself, I hurt from the rejection, and I hurt because the one person I let in and trusted, betrayed me in the rawest, cruelest way possible.  Ever since that day I’ve been crawling out of the sink hole that sucked me down.  Everyday o linger somewhere between broken & defeated and happy and determined.  Every day I fight weakness and claim strength.  Everyday I feel the doubt creeping up and I run from it.  Everyday.

Everyday I feel ugly but tell myself I’m not.

Everyday I feel not good enough but I know that I am.

Everyday I battle.

One day I will win.

One day.

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Being a Good Parent

Long ago when all I could do was imagine my grown up life one day, I was being parented by good parents.  They gave me space with limits.  They weren’t  perfect but I sure knew to say, “Yes, Ma’am and Yes, Sir”, respect my elders, how to write a thank you note, and how it was important to give to others.  I was taught to respect myself and to not ever give up too.  And above all, I was told I was loved and I was.  I knew my parents loved me.  I never had reason to doubt it.  

Then one day came and just like that, I was a parent.  I was shocked by the amount of love I felt instantly for this little, tiny, baby and I was amazed that I never knew how much my parents actually loved me!  I couldn’t believe what I thought wasn’t even close and I understood them so much more.  

Everyday since becoming a parent I’ve tried my hardest to be the best mother I could be.  I’ve had visions of who I wanted to be as a mother my entire life and every day I attempt being her.  I wouldn’t have a clue how to do it if my own mother hadn’t been so great.  To be a great parent, the easiest way is to be from great parents.  We repeat the patterns we’ve been taught to repeat.  If we don’t have great parents, we’ve known someone we thought was one and we could possibly try to copy their patterns.  Or maybe if we needed an example we could find guidance.  With the love I felt for my children, I’m sure I would have tried my hardest, even if I hadn’t been shown the best examples. 

Today I’m baffled by how many parents fail at their job.  They disappear or are selfish.  They’re lazy and don’t care.  Maybe they’re just doing what was done to them.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that we all should try to be better parents than the ones we had.  Even if ours were pretty great.  If yours weren’t, why wouldn’t you envision your own childhood and give them what you wished you had?  Why is that so hard.  Remember yourself as a child and heal yourself by being a better parent than the one that failed you.  How could you not try?

I’m lucky that I had two parents that loved me.  I really am.  I was lucky enough to have 2 healthy happy children.  I have not been lucky in lots of other ways.  I will never let that affect who I am as a parent to my babies.  I wish others could feel that same way too.  I wish before cheaters cheated they’d think about how this could hurt their children.  I wish before abusers beat or ripped someone apart with words, they’d think about how that was changing their children forever.  I wish that when people do seperate and/or eventually divorce that they would put their children before their dating life or their social life.  It makes children feel last when they constantly feel like they’re last in place in your priorities.  

I’ve seen an article floating around Facebook lately about letting your children know you’re the most important person in your family, not them.  I get the point of this article but it doesn’t read right to me.  How about let’s put family first and together as a unit our family is most important.  Not any one member.  That just sounds better to me. Family.  We should all try to have better families even when it’s just a mom and her two kids, like me. 

Much Love ~ iom

Untouchable

This one I didn’t think I could touch but it wouldn’t be right not to acknowledge it when the emotions run so deep.  Although most of you or maybe none of you even know why this song is so important but it is huge to me.  The tragedy, the bands I’ve always followed, and the music that’s helped keep me alive, this one is one that hurts and heals in union.  To all the songs that have spoken to my soul, this one was needed.  Thanks to Gregg Allman for always leading the pack.   The little boys who idealized you and grew up to form bands of their own and becoming some of my favorites, thank you.  I’ve watched you play so many times and your voice and the emotion behind it never failed to amaze.  You will be missed.

Don’t be Careless


Some people give a shit and some people just don’t.  Don’t be careless.  Pay attention to those who don’t acknowledge your pain.  They will only hurt you worse.  

People make mistakes but the ones who admit them, and ask for forgiveness are better than the ones who appear to be perfect but are actually cold and distant.  

Be human.

Be real.

Have a heart.

🦄If Only Mommy

“Are You My Mommy?”

I spend a lot of my life thinking what were you thinking?!  I think it’s because I do idiotic things based on the fact that I refuse to be negative…well at least a refuse to be that way 88.4% of he time.  The rest of the time I’m Debbie Downer.  I’ll blame it on menustration (& now I’ve lost any male readers I may have had 😂).  So basically the majority of the time I see the future turning out ok.  Obviously my rose colored glasses have been laced with MDMA and I’m reacting to that 🌈.  

Today at my daughter’s soccer game I noticed 2 things. First, I am the loudest parent there.  Like I’m that mom.  What happened to me?!?!  Second, I yell out these crazy positive things to them when they miss a goal or get scored on etc.  Like I’m running around throwing glitter 🙄.  One of my fellow soccer mom friends asked me if I’d be her mom because I was so positive 😂.  Of course I said sure. 

Most of my what the hell were you thinking time is spent on why I give so many people 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th…to infinity chances!  Why?  Am I a glutton for punishment?  Who knows.  Maybe chances never run out with me.  Maybe I see something inside people that they don’t even see, or maybe I’m just an idiot.  Only time will tell but until then, yes I will be your mommy 😂😂😂.

With hope, happiness, & love,

If Only Mommy❤️

All of me 

Thoughts I try to keep in front of my emotions…

  1. If someone wants to be in your life they will try and not give up easily.  Those who barely try or push you away and pull you back don’t really care.  You are just a void filler for them when no one else is around.  
  2. Trust yourself.  Trusting others isn’t necessary.
  3. Needing someone to make you feel safe isn’t really a need.  You can take care of yourself.
  4. When bad things happen, the people that really care about you show up.  They contact you in some way to make sure you’re ok.  The ones that don’t, do not.  Don’t waste time on the ones who do not.  It’s a waste of time.  Love the ones who love you back.
  5. When someone toys with your emotions walk away…scratch that….RUN AWAY! 
  6. When someone does show you you’re worth their time, you’re worth a top spot in their lives, and you are someone they never want to be without, let them love you.  Let them know you.  Let them know all of you and be free and open with all of who you are.  You deserve big love and someone will smile everyday to be loved by every inch of you.  Everyday. Even hard days ❤️.
  7. Be smart about your choices.
  8. Never accept crumbs.
  9. Remember you are not replaceable.  Understand your worth.  Live it.