My son’s birthday just past and in the middle of the celebration I realized how I’ve been living the last 5 years. My son turned 7 but when he was 2 my husband cheated on me, probably not the first time, but the first time he was caught. Everything I thought I knew was gone in an instant and I was left there…crumbling. Every inch of me hurt. I hurt for my children, I hurt for myself, I hurt from the rejection, and I hurt because the one person I let in and trusted, betrayed me in the rawest, cruelest way possible. Ever since that day I’ve been crawling out of the sink hole that sucked me down. Everyday o linger somewhere between broken & defeated and happy and determined. Every day I fight weakness and claim strength. Everyday I feel the doubt creeping up and I run from it. Everyday.
Everyday I feel ugly but tell myself I’m not.
Everyday I feel not good enough but I know that I am.
Everyday I battle.
One day I will win.
Sunset on 15
Life is my heart beating. Life is my chest rising up and down…air filling and releasing. Life is blood pulsating through my veins. Keeping me warm. Life is my thoughts. Life happens without my help and life happens with it but one thing I know, there aren’t always answers. It’s not always automatic. There aren’t always reasons why.
Everything that has ever happened to me, painful things, I’ve had to learn from every angle. When they resurface, after I’m far into healing, it always comes through someone else. Someone I love but just in reverse. I have to learn to understand the other side. I don’t understand how this keeps happening over and over again but I can’t help but wonder…what lesson am I suppose to learn? What did I miss the first time?
Am I suppose to learn that I can have compassion for myself and for someone else doing to someone else what was done to me? It’s hard. It hurts and it opens old wounds that I’ve worked hard healing. I have a hard time just turning my back on anyone. I don’t like when it’s done to me, but sometimes I want to. Sometimes I want to run, but I can’t. I can’t desert someone I love when they’re clearly hurting. When it’s obvious they’ve lost their way. It’s evident that they need support so I must push through. I must start again and try not to let it affect me. At least not outwardly. Now it needs to be private pain because this isn’t about me.
I miss my boring married life where there were routines and patterns. I miss knowing how my days would turn out and how the nights would end. I miss being held and comforted at night. I miss being loved. I miss being touched and kissed and treasured. I miss loving too. I miss giving my love. I love to love.
How can I learn to be selfish. Learn to take care of myself and focus on my new future. How do people put their needs above everyone else’s? I don’t mean my children. Their needs will always be more important than mine but what about everyone else? I’m not built like this but leaving my needs and my self behind, last in line, isn’t going to secure my future and I have to do it alone. Relying on or needing anyone ever again isn’t going to happen. I just hope to love again.
I’m feeling lost and sad about the things I’ve been hearing about. I’m just happy that my normal is pretty solid. I’m just surrounded by so many things that are not. So many people that are hiding many, many secrets. People making huge mistakes and not caring about one another. It worries me.
We must find a better way.
I must find a better way. Happiness, love, simple joys, good conversations, passionate kisses…that’s not too much to wish for, is it?
Most days I am mommy, momma, mama and it seems I also play the role of daddy. I can do it but I wish I didn’t have to. I wish they had a daddy they could count on.
The kids had their first school dance. It was suppose to be daddy/daughter Mother/son. He said he was going. She asked me if it was ok if he could come in after their Wednesday night dinner to see her new dress. I said ok and she showed it off basically begging for his approval. He left with a little see you Friday. Which was the dance night. I sent him a text Friday morning to not forget and a few hours later reminding him that he would be taking a photo with our daughter. He replied to that one. He wasn’t coming. He’d make it up to her and they could have their own daddy/daughter dance. That he would wear his tuxedo. He never called her. He doesn’t get that she doesn’t care about him making it up to her. You only have one first school dance. You can’t make that up. You have to show up.
It’s never going to end with this guy. He will never put them before himself. He hasn’t called them since Wednesday and he just didn’t show up. It’s inexcusable. The kids and I had a fun time and we took a picture together, the 3 of us.
Today we took a road trip to the beach for the day and had a lot of fun. I just love my babies. They are so cute and so smart. I’ve done everything for them their entire lives. I know that they always know they can count on me. Hopefully that will be enough.
Goodnight 💤 iom
I miss being part of a pair. I see couples, married, joking and having fun. Laughing together at their kids or smiling together watching their kids accomplish something. That was one of the things that ol’ Cheater McCheaterson said to me, that wasn’t awful, that he didn’t want to miss me looking back at him smiling about something one of our kids just did. Smiling and proud and happy. That was one of the things that seemed real and heart felt but probably was manipulative. I despise this personality disorder from which he suffers. You can’t take anything at face value. Even if some things are just that….just as they seem. I can never trust that they are.
I really miss having someone to snuggle with on the couch. I miss holding hands and hugs in the kitchen. I even miss ass grabs…and dry humps from behind when I was incredibly too busy. It was all silly and playful. I realize these were just crumbs. There were tons of low blows and jabs along the ways. There was always resistance and always criticism. I was willing to love through all of that, with only crumbs. I don’t think I thought I deserved better but I knew I didn’t deserve infidelity. Not the first time, which I was willing to forgive if he would’ve been willing to do the work. The 2nd, more disgusting time, during the time he was suppose to be working to repair our marriage, was just too much for anyone to take. Then all the mean stuff afterwards.
I miss being a part of a pair. I miss the visions I had of our future. Shit, I miss having happy visions of my future. Now all I have fear. Fear not knowing what to do. Fear of not knowing how to do it. Fear from not having my parents to help me figure it all out, even if only emotionally. Their encouragement helped me push through the fear before. Knowing they’d help if I needed them to, helped too. Even if I never needed them, knowing they were there mattered. Lately at night I have been lying in my marriage bed, starring at the ceiling, and wondering how the hell I got here. Will I always been alone? Will I ever be comfortable with anyone else. Do I even want to try? Then I think I’m not ready but I’m not getting any younger. Getting older makes me feel ugly. I wanted to grow old with someone. A pair of oldies. Didn’t seem as bad that way. Men seem to look good when they age. Women sometimes just look old. It’s totally not fair. Maybe I need Botox. Maybe a pair of Botox injections.
It’s raining. I’m moody in the rain. Sad and moody rain girl wishing for a spoon 🙄. Needing some sunshine.
☀️ 🌈 🍀-iom
This made me laugh because I am ALL TEETH! My daughter’s 2 new grown up teeth are gigantic, she’s going to be all teeth too. Currently she looks a little like a cute little beaver.
It seems I don’t have tons to write about lately. I have lots of drafts but nothing that seems worthy or interesting enough. I’m not sure if I’ve just reached a lull in my emotion crazed mind or if I’m just tired. I’ve had a sick kid home from school every day but one since last week. I’m not sure how I survived when they were both home all the time. The strength of being a mother. You give up so much of yourself…willingly.
I’ve eaten my words more since becoming a mother than I ever have. How arrogant I was before. Thinking I knew anything. I didn’t know anything. We all know the when I’m a mother I am never going to let my child act like that! Laughable. I remember clearly after having my first child saying I’m so glad I’ll never have to date again with this post pregnancy body. Thanks life 😕. I just need to keep my mouth shut.
I guess I should be at ease with this moment of time where I have little to say. At least I’m not losing it because of something awful happening. Maybe next time it will be about something magical. Let’s hope!
When you always feel that pull at your core but you keep going like it’s not there. Constant resistance. I constantly fight it. One day it will release me.
Trying not to let hyperness take over so I’ll post 2 funnies from rebel circus that made me laugh.
Plus my WP is acting wacco. Weird, aye?!? That’s what I’m saying!
Lalalalalalaluuuuuvvv yaz ~ iom❤️