5 years

My son’s birthday just past and in the middle of the celebration I realized how I’ve been living the last 5 years.  My son turned 7 but when he was 2 my husband cheated on me, probably not the first time, but the first time he was caught.  Everything I thought I knew was gone in an instant and I was left there…crumbling.  Every inch of me hurt.  I hurt for my children, I hurt for myself, I hurt from the rejection, and I hurt because the one person I let in and trusted, betrayed me in the rawest, cruelest way possible.  Ever since that day I’ve been crawling out of the sink hole that sucked me down.  Everyday o linger somewhere between broken & defeated and happy and determined.  Every day I fight weakness and claim strength.  Everyday I feel the doubt creeping up and I run from it.  Everyday.

Everyday I feel ugly but tell myself I’m not.

Everyday I feel not good enough but I know that I am.

Everyday I battle.

One day I will win.

One day.

Being a Good Parent

Long ago when all I could do was imagine my grown up life one day, I was being parented by good parents.  They gave me space with limits.  They weren’t  perfect but I sure knew to say, “Yes, Ma’am and Yes, Sir”, respect my elders, how to write a thank you note, and how it was important to give to others.  I was taught to respect myself and to not ever give up too.  And above all, I was told I was loved and I was.  I knew my parents loved me.  I never had reason to doubt it.  

Then one day came and just like that, I was a parent.  I was shocked by the amount of love I felt instantly for this little, tiny, baby and I was amazed that I never knew how much my parents actually loved me!  I couldn’t believe what I thought wasn’t even close and I understood them so much more.  

Everyday since becoming a parent I’ve tried my hardest to be the best mother I could be.  I’ve had visions of who I wanted to be as a mother my entire life and every day I attempt being her.  I wouldn’t have a clue how to do it if my own mother hadn’t been so great.  To be a great parent, the easiest way is to be from great parents.  We repeat the patterns we’ve been taught to repeat.  If we don’t have great parents, we’ve known someone we thought was one and we could possibly try to copy their patterns.  Or maybe if we needed an example we could find guidance.  With the love I felt for my children, I’m sure I would have tried my hardest, even if I hadn’t been shown the best examples. 

Today I’m baffled by how many parents fail at their job.  They disappear or are selfish.  They’re lazy and don’t care.  Maybe they’re just doing what was done to them.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that we all should try to be better parents than the ones we had.  Even if ours were pretty great.  If yours weren’t, why wouldn’t you envision your own childhood and give them what you wished you had?  Why is that so hard.  Remember yourself as a child and heal yourself by being a better parent than the one that failed you.  How could you not try?

I’m lucky that I had two parents that loved me.  I really am.  I was lucky enough to have 2 healthy happy children.  I have not been lucky in lots of other ways.  I will never let that affect who I am as a parent to my babies.  I wish others could feel that same way too.  I wish before cheaters cheated they’d think about how this could hurt their children.  I wish before abusers beat or ripped someone apart with words, they’d think about how that was changing their children forever.  I wish that when people do seperate and/or eventually divorce that they would put their children before their dating life or their social life.  It makes children feel last when they constantly feel like they’re last in place in your priorities.  

I’ve seen an article floating around Facebook lately about letting your children know you’re the most important person in your family, not them.  I get the point of this article but it doesn’t read right to me.  How about let’s put family first and together as a unit our family is most important.  Not any one member.  That just sounds better to me. Family.  We should all try to have better families even when it’s just a mom and her two kids, like me. 

Much Love ~ iom

Don’t be Careless


Some people give a shit and some people just don’t.  Don’t be careless.  Pay attention to those who don’t acknowledge your pain.  They will only hurt you worse.  

People make mistakes but the ones who admit them, and ask for forgiveness are better than the ones who appear to be perfect but are actually cold and distant.  

Be human.

Be real.

Have a heart.

🦄If Only Mommy

Luck 🍀

I woke up thinking about all these years and their stretched out arms saying, “hold me, mommy” and I think, I hope I’m strong enough to hold them many, many more.  I see their little legs and arms stretching out, their little faces thinning out, and their need for me lessening. I just want to hold on to this forever.  I’ve never wanted anything more than to be a mother and these two little precious gifts who were given to me to love.   How lucky I am.

Lessons to Learn

Sunset on 15

Life is my heart beating.  Life is my chest rising up and down…air filling and releasing.  Life is blood pulsating through my veins. Keeping me warm.  Life is my thoughts.  Life happens without my help and life happens with it but one thing I know, there aren’t always answers.  It’s not always automatic.  There aren’t always reasons why.

Everything that has ever happened to me, painful things, I’ve had to learn from every angle.  When they resurface, after I’m far into healing, it always comes through someone else.  Someone I love but just in reverse.  I have to learn to understand the other side.  I don’t understand how this keeps happening over and over again but I can’t help but wonder…what lesson am I suppose to learn?  What did I miss the first time?

Am I suppose to learn that I can have compassion for myself and for someone else doing to someone else what was done to me?  It’s hard.  It hurts and it opens old wounds that I’ve worked hard healing.  I have a hard time just turning my back on anyone.  I don’t like when it’s done to me, but sometimes I want to.  Sometimes I want to run, but I can’t.  I can’t desert someone I love when they’re clearly hurting.  When it’s obvious they’ve lost their way.  It’s evident that they need support so I must push through.  I must start again and try not to let it affect me.  At least not outwardly.  Now it needs to be private pain because this isn’t about me.  

I miss my boring married life where there were routines and patterns.  I miss knowing how my days would turn out and how the nights would end.  I miss being held and comforted at night.  I miss being loved.  I miss being touched and kissed and treasured.  I miss loving too.  I miss giving my love.  I love to love.  

How can I learn to be selfish.  Learn to take care of myself and focus on my new future. How do people put their needs above everyone else’s? I don’t mean my children.  Their needs will always be more important than mine but what about everyone else?  I’m not built like this but leaving my needs and my self behind, last in line, isn’t going to secure my future and I have to do it alone.  Relying on or needing anyone ever again isn’t going to happen.  I just hope to love again.  

I’m feeling lost and sad about the things I’ve been hearing about.  I’m just happy that my normal is pretty solid.  I’m just surrounded by so many things that are not.  So many people that are hiding many, many secrets.  People making huge mistakes and not caring about one another.  It worries me.  

We must find a better way. 
must find a better way. Happiness, love, simple joys, good conversations, passionate  kisses…that’s not too much to wish for, is it?

🦄🍀🌻 iom

Porn.  Is it what you dreamed of?

Last night I received a text, from my ex, in response to me asking if he forgot to pay child support that said,  “You gonna get busy being a survivor? Or be a victim for the rest of your life.”  This because I asked for the money he is suppose to give me but doesn’t want to.  This is after I heard he’s been at one of the local strip clubs this week.  This is after I know he is taking women out on pricey dates.  This is after surviving the mind fuck he tried to ruin me with.  His porn addiction gone astray to becoming a full blown sex addict.  He has done things that would make your skin crawl.  He wants to insult me.  He likes to throw around the word victim as an insult just the way he use to call me a fucking cunt after I’d bust him doing something awful.  He likes to flip it and try to insult me when he’s the one doing wrong.  Not me.

If that wasn’t enough to make me scream, I received a phone call that completely blindsided me.  I can’t even admit who it was about yet, because I can’t believe it.  It is someone I love very much.  He is losing his family because of porn.  Again someone else started with porn and moved on to something much worse.  Prioritizing porn and sex addiction ahead of everything.  Before his family and now he, like my ex, may lose everything that makes him normal.  I promise he’s not ready to face his problem.  He’s saying all the right words but will he follow it up with actions?  Only time will tell but I will say, I don’t think anyone knows how hard this is going to be.  

There has been evidence of sexual obsession as far back as you want to look.  Artists have created images of taboo sexual actions for hundreds and hundreds of years.  Soon after photography entered our world so did naked photos and sexual explicit images.  Stag films entered after movies were invented.  Most were exclusively for men but not anymore.  Women have been degrading themselves for too long.  These women are someone’s daughters.  All these women were once innocent little girls dreaming of fairy tale endings.

Porn is a forbidden fruit.  It is easily and secretly obtained in family homes across America and every other country in our world.  It is splitting apart our families.  It is stealing joy and creating misery.  Couple after couple after couple are not happy.  This is based on unhappy sex lives.  One  partner has watched too many pornos and the other feels like an object and not loved.  Partners are expected to be physically perfect like the plastic images on the screen.  We are expected to be “Randy and Ready” for whatever, whenever without complaint.  All because people have watched and obsessed about insane, unrealistic performances on screen for years.  If you won’t allow someone to stretch out your asshole with a butt plug the size of a horses head while being pegged by a viagra inhanced dick, someone pinching, pulling, and assalting nipples of massive, bouncing, surgically inhanced breasts, while smacking each other’s faces, and calling each other motherfucker, whore, asshole, and dirty slut, then you may just be too boring sexually to satisfy your partner’s needs.  Seriously…come on! I’m adventurous in my sexual escapades but no way in a thousand hells will I ever let someone stick a horse head butt plug in my ass people!!!  All because someone, somewhere decided to ask a struggling actor to do ridiculous things on screen, making it appear normal.  Now people idolize these images and performances and expect this from their partners.  When partners can’t perform like this, they’re blamed for not satisfying them in the bedroom causing them to to look elsewhere.  Divorces occur and our families are breaking up, causing a ripple effect of misery because no one can satisfy their sexual needs.  They don’t consider their sexual needs are unrealistic and based on bullshit porn they’ve obsessed about since they first saw their first naked image.  They’ve been mind fucked by the porn industry and they haven’t been fucked alone.  It’s so widely available now in our internet obsessed worlds that now people can’t live normal lives.  They can’t shake these images and walk around in their normal jobs with half hardies and damp panties wanting to be fucked in the break rooms by someone else’s spouse.

I’m exhausted with all this bullshit.  I’m not an innocent in this either.  I’ve seen.  I’ve looked. BUT I’ve never obsessed.  I’ve looked out of curiosity but this curiosity is how it started for the sex addicted.  They allowed their minds to be seduced and conquered and now our futures are in jeopardy.  

I just don’t know what we’re suppose to do to stop it.  It’s out of control.  If you don’t believe me understand this, people in your church, in the pew beside you, are obsessing about porn and aren’t listening to the sermon.  They’re visualizing the sexual assault watched, that morning, on their cellphones as their spouse took a shower, and their children were glued to the tv.  This forbidden fruit is ruining our families.   Children are craving their parents attention and not getting it because currently they are the nuisance that is in the way of getting off to some porn.  So these porn addicted parents act irritated and mean because this addiction has taken over their lives.

I’m sickened.  I’m tired of hearing about another family lost to this.  No more Christmases, no more birthdays, no more happy homes.  Porn wins and we lose.  

🖕🏻Fuck you porn.  
You’re the gateway to hell.
The gateway to misery.

-iom

Easter prep, the Rad Bunny, and Jesus.  

ion

Colorful Eggs


Can you hear the bunny 🐰?  The Easter Bunny is by far the creepiest of the holiday present bringing characters.  He is certainly around to ruin the rest of them.  He and the tooth fairy 🙄.  Seriously would you really want a big headed, scary as hell bunny hopping into your house, delivering a basket full of, unrelated to Jesus rising from the dead, treats.  I’m pretty sure that when Jesus was suffering for us he didn’t utter, “We shall name this important event Easter and you shall costume a person in the scariest of overgrown bunny gear to hop about and deliver baskets full of goodies to the children.”  There were no instructions regarding littering the yards of churches from town to town with small, colorful eggs filled with candy and if you’re lucky dolla bills yo.  Jesus and this Bunny never knew each other. I promise.  Jesus does love all the little children so I’d bet he’s cool with the rad Bunny.  As long as the kiddos are happy.  

Here comes Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail.  Hippity, hoppity Easter’s on its way.  

 

🐰 🐔 ❤️ – iom